The Journey

My New Website

2011-04-04T08:00:00.001-04:00

My new site is ready, and the first post is already up for you to check out.

I will be at http://jennybryant.com/ from now on. I hope you will join me there!

Announcement!

2011-03-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

As of Monday, April 4, I will no longer be posting here at The Journey.

Blogger has served me well, but the time has come to move on to my own domain. Over the next couple weeks, I will be preparing to unveil my new website.

My next, and final, post here will direct you to my new site. Stay tuned! I love you all. :)

Grace

2011-03-18T07:00:00.001-04:00

I am changing a diaper when I realize yet again how amazing God’s grace is.

God, in all his holiness and all his goodness, knew we could never meet his standards on our own. And rather than punish and condemn us, he helped us. He bridged the gap between us and himself. We are like little children, and he is the compassionate father who sees that we simply cannot do it on our own and reaches down to help us. We are the toddlers who cannot use the toilet, and he is the parent who gently cleans us and patiently teaches us a better way, helping us move toward the goal.

Because of the grace he gives me, the grace I have done nothing to earn, I am compelled to pass that same grace on to others. Scripture tells the story of the man whose enormous debt was forgiven, yet he went out and demanded smaller debts from other people. This is not the person I want to be. I have been forgiven for so much. I have been given so much grace. How can I possibly have the audacity to be unforgiving and not extend grace to others?

And while God’s grace does not punish us for being unable to meet his standards, neither does it nullify those standards. God is not a punitive God, nor is he permissive. As a parent, this speaks to me. If this is how God has chosen to treat me, his child, I want to do everything in my power to treat my children the same way. In doing so, I hopefully will show them a glimpse of what God is like-- his love for them, the grace he gives them. As someone who has been forgiven and redeemed, I hope God is reflected in all my relationships, including those with my children.

And yes, I fail at this regularly. But even in my failures, God has grace and forgiveness for me. As I walk with my children, meeting them where they are, he walks with me. And unlike me, he never fails. And I am so grateful. His love is amazing, indescribable, beautiful.

Faith

2011-03-16T07:00:00.001-04:00

I was planning a lesson for children’s church about Moses and the Exodus. As I read through the Bible story, a particular scene caught my attention. God had just told Moses that he wanted him to go back to Egypt and rescue his people.

Moses doubted himself. “Who am I to go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” And God promises to be with him. And then God promises Moses a sign.

“This will be the sign that it is I who will send you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”

Now, most of us know how the rest of the story went. We know that God did some amazing things in order to bring his people out of Egypt and to show that he was indeed God. But put yourself in Moses’ place for a minute. When he woke up that morning, he had no idea that God was going to interrupt his normal daily life and give him such an enormous job. And now he’s standing here, trying to take in this impossible-sounding assignment, and God tells him he will give him a sign-- after he brings the people out of Egypt.

When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.

I sat and pondered this for a while. If God asked me to do something that I felt totally comfortable and confident doing, obeying wouldn't require much faith. But would I have the faith to step out and do something that sounded so impossible? Something that terrified me? Something I didn't feel confident enough to do? And what if the sign that it was really from him would not come until after I had done the thing he was asking me to do?

Once God has interrupted your life in such a dramatic fashion, you have a choice: You can step out in faith and obey in spite of your fears, or you can ignore what has just happened and try to go back to your daily life.

Moses obeyed. Despite his fears, despite his worries, he obeyed. The only other option was to ignore what had happened to him and try to go back to life as usual. But I suspect that even if he had done that, things never would have felt the way they did before. He would always have that niggling feeling in the back of his mind, down deep in his spirit, that God was calling him to something more...

A Simple Cup of Coffee

2011-03-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

For a few weeks, this thing has been building. I have been purposely ignoring someone who is simply being friendly, someone who only wants a cup of coffee and a chat in the middle of his day. He comes by the church almost every Saturday while I am there cleaning. I have come to expect that he will stop by and ask if there’s any coffee. And yet every Saturday, I do not make coffee.

But the last time that scenario played out, I felt convicted. I had that sinking feeling inside that I knew what I was doing was not okay. And I asked myself, why am I doing this? It’s such a simple thing. A cup of coffee, a short chat, a friendly face. Why in the world would I knowingly, purposely deny him that?

I could blame it on my introversion, my shyness, or my desire to spend some time alone. Yes, I am introverted. Yes, I am shy. Yes, I enjoy spending a little time alone on Saturday mornings. But none of those things made it okay for me to refuse to give this man what he was looking for. The truth is, there really was no good reason for it.

So this Saturday, I made him coffee. He came in, poured a cup for himself and a cup for me, and we talked. It was just a short time. Five minutes, maybe ten. I had given him a travel mug to drink from, and when he left, I told him to go ahead and take it with him and come in for a refill next Saturday.

Perhaps a new tradition has begun.

I like to talk about community and the concept of loving others, but I wonder if sometimes I get so caught up in looking at the big ways of doing it, or just pondering it theoretically, that I miss so many little opportunities. Truth be told, there are opportunities throughout our daily lives to lift people up, encourage them and love them. How many times do I ignore those opportunities? More than I would like to admit, I think.

"We can do no great things; only small things with great love." -Mother Teresa

Empathy

2011-03-09T08:30:00.000-05:00

After my experience on Sunday morning, I am not sure what to do. I feel like I cannot carry on as usual and pretend it never happened. Even when I do carry on as usual, something in me feels... unsettled. I am reminded of what James has said about being "haunted" by the Holy Spirit; when you are haunted, you are unable to live a normal life.

It's not that I feel an urge to go out and try to fix everyone's problems. For once, I don't feel that way. I know that is not my place. But I am left asking myself, what do I do with this? I sat in that room and became immensely aware of people's pain and God's compassion. That is real, and I cannot ignore it.

Empathy is a gift, I think. And I think that is at the core of what I felt on Sunday. There have been many times in my life when I have felt so strongly what other people are feeling. Combine empathy with intuition, and yes, I absolutely believe it is a gift that God wants to use. Not that I am "special" somehow; I think we each have a gift he wants to use. But perhaps this is mine.

But what do you do with empathy and intuition? As with any gift, some people might use these things to manipulate others. But I don't think that is what empathy and intuition should be used for.

I want to use them to connect with other people. When you can "read" people well, and pick up on their emotions, you are better equipped to come alongside them and encourage them or help them through their problems. You can pray for them with a keen sense of what they are going through.

In fact, it hit me the other day that this is part of what Jesus did in his life here on earth. He became human. He can empathize with our struggles, fears, and joys. And Scripture says he intercedes for us with God.

As I look at the life of Jesus, I am so encouraged by what he did with his empathy and understanding of people. He had compassion. He loved them. He encouraged them. He spoke hard truths when necessary. He didn't let himself become completely overwhelmed by the pain of other people. He intercedes for us.

And so while I am still left wondering how, specifically, God wants to use me, I am not anxious and worried about it. I simply feel led to get to know the people in my life better, to spend time developing relationships with them, and encouraging them when I can, and praying for them. And I know I do not have to let myself get overwhelmed by other people's pain; I can be aware of it, let the feelings run through me, and give it to God.

But one thing is for sure; I cannot go on as though Sunday morning never happened.

Eclipsed By Glory

2011-03-07T08:10:00.000-05:00

During worship at church on Sunday morning, I felt the unmistakable presence of God. It wasn’t something flashy, fancy, or loud; just a quiet sense of peace. It’s hard to describe. It reminded me of the passage in 1 Kings where Elijah was waiting to hear from God, and there was a strong wind, an earthquake and a fire-- but God was in none of these. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

After the third song, the music continued playing, and those who wanted to share their prayers or praise were free to speak. The first prayer request brought me to tears. I don’t even know the people who were being spoken of-- I have heard their names but we have never met-- yet the words that were said broke me, and I could not stop myself from crying. As others shared their prayer requests, I suddenly felt the heaviness of the pain and brokenness and suffering represented in the room.

I said nothing; I don’t think I could have said anything in that moment, honestly. I had no words. It is still hard to find the words for how I felt. It was as though all these feelings were rushing through me and I felt so much love and compassion for everyone in the room, and this deep sense of wanting to be there with people through their pain. Not necessarily to make it all better or fix everyone’s problems-- but to be there. To be a friend, to help them through it, to show them the love and compassion of Jesus.

The next song began, and we sang these words: All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I cried again. In that moment, I saw so clearly the beauty of God’s love and grace in comparison to our pain. We are afflicted, and he has such compassion for us. We are afflicted, and he walks alongside us. We are afflicted, and in the midst of all our pain, his grace is washing over us. Pain hurts, it is not fun-- and yet, even in the midst of pain, there is so much beauty. There is the opportunity for hope, redemption, and grace.

In the past, I have prayed to see people the way God sees them, to love people the way God loves them. And of course I am not arrogant enough to assume that I could ever see people exactly the same way God sees them, because I am not God. But I do believe God wants to let us see people through his eyes and he wants us to have the same heart for them as he does. And in that moment, I truly believe I had a glimpse of God’s heart for us. In our pain, our doubts, our brokenness, our fears, our suffering, our struggles-- he loves us, his compassion is overwhelming, he wants to walk alongside us through it all.

And I felt the beauty of this little community that was gathered together. We are all connected, and we are reaching out to each other in love, bearing each other’s burdens together, empathizing with each other, showing love and compassion. It is so beautiful. Indeed, these afflictions are eclipsed by glory.

Discontentment

2011-03-03T09:49:00.002-05:00

One of my biggest struggles in life is discontentment.

I realize I "shouldn't" be discontent. But let's be honest here, sometimes even though you know all the reasons you shouldn't do a certain thing or feel a certain way, you still struggle with it. And that's where I am, so I'm going to talk honestly about it.

I have spent years now looking toward the next big thing, the next life change, the thing I am so sure will make me happy and more complete. Getting married. Having a baby. Graduating from college. Buying a house. Getting a bigger vehicle. Going back to school. Selling the house. Getting a more fuel-efficient vehicle. Having a big house out in the country with lots of land. Having a comfortable-sized house in town so we will be close to friends and family. Losing another pants size, or three. Getting the newest electronic gadget. Making more money. Having a career I enjoy. And on and on and on.

And it's not just that I am always looking for the next big thing to make me content; it's that I'm looking toward life events and situations to make me content at all. I know those things are not where my sense of happiness and contentment should lie. So why do I succumb to the temptation to put too much stock in those things?

Conventional wisdom says you should plan out where you want to go and then take steps to get there. And I think that can be a good thing. But for people like me who too often equate contentment with getting to the next big goal, this is sometimes less like wisdom and more like a millstone around the neck. Perhaps I need less planning and goal-setting, and more faith, hope, and joy in God.

On Water

2011-03-01T07:00:00.001-05:00

I remember being a young child and riding with my grandfather in his pickup truck. He was my dad's dad, he lived with us, and I called him Papaw (much to my mother's chagrin; she would have preferred that I call him Grandpa or Granddad, but one of her friends always referred to him as my Papaw, and the name stuck).

Each day he'd go out in his truck and make his rounds: coffee (and perhaps donuts if I was with him) and a drive through the cemetery where his father was buried. I'd ride along sometimes and we'd listen to the radio, country music. There was a Randy Travis song that always made me think of him.

If the story's told, only heaven knows,
But his hat seemed to me like an old halo.
And although his wings, they were never seen,
I thought that he walked on water.

He was a good man, simple and kindhearted, but could have a sharp tongue when angry. I was always amused, awed, and a bit frightened when he would curse. Once when I was about seven or eight years old, I hid a whoopie cushion in his chair, which he very unsuspectingly sat upon. I swear he jumped ten feet in the air. I can still hear his gruff voice, grumbling, "What the hell was that?" as he looked around the room while the rest of us snickered. We actually captured the moment on a home video. We found the video a few months ago, watched it for the first time in years, and laughed.

He always wore blue work shirts, and when he was going out, a button-up sweater and his red and white Robinson's Building Center cap. He chewed Beech-Nut tobacco, and he had false teeth but I don't think I ever saw him wear them. He'd be awake at all hours of the night, unable to stay asleep for long because of arthritis pain. He'd sit and read westerns, and was always ready to talk and tell stories to anyone who'd sit with him for a while. He loved to give to others and kept very little money for himself. He never wanted anyone to pay him back; he just wanted people to remember to help others when they were able.

He passed away eight years ago, on March 1, 2003. He's buried in that same cemetery under a dignified old tree.

And I loved him, and he loved me,
And Lord, I cried the day he died,
'Cause I thought that he walked on water.

Speaking Out

2011-02-27T22:15:00.001-05:00

I ended my last post with a few questions:

When you are passionate about seeing change, do you think it is more effective to fight against the thing you don't like, or to fight for the thing you want to see? Do you see a distinction between the two, or do you feel they are the same thing?

Is there a time for specifically speaking out against something?

It has taken me longer to get back to this topic than I intended, but I needed to think about it for a while myself.

Before I get started, please note that these are simply the ideas I'm mulling over in my own head. My conclusions may not apply to everyone; for that matter, they may not always apply to me. As I think through these things more, I may change my perspective. But for now, this is where I am.

As I stated in my last post, when it comes to things that matter to me, I have become more convinced that my role is that of an encourager, not one who tears down the things I am against. I am not sure that constantly railing against various topics is really the way to shine a light on the changes I want to encourage.

Should that apply to everyone? I have absolutely no idea. But it is something that has irritated me about a few different Christian books lately because it seems like there is a lot of negative talk about whatever the author doesn't like. And this led to the question, "Is there a time for specifically speaking out against something?"

After thinking the question over for a while, I think my answer is yes. Yes, there are times that it is appropriate to speak out against things that are going on in our culture, in our world, and certainly in the church.

Where I think I part ways with the authors of some of these books is, I think that probably the most appropriate context for speaking out against something is relationship.

When Paul wrote letters to the various churches, they were not books written to the Church as a whole. Yes, they became part of the Bible we read today, but Paul certainly didn't write these letters with the goal to have them published, sell them, and to change the face of Christian culture as a whole. He was writing to specific churches, specific people he had relationships with, addressing specific issues within those churches.

I'm not saying Christian books are useless. I think they certainly serve a purpose, and I think God absolutely can and does use them to speak to people. I know God has spoken to me before through Christian books. But I do think they are to be taken with a grain of salt. In the end, the author does not know me or you or most of his or her audience. There is no relationship there. And I think a lot of times, real changes take place slowly, one person at a time, through relationship and community.

Of course, publishing a book is not the only way to speak out against something without the foundation of relationship; there are ways that people just like you and me can do it too. Facebook status updates, blog posts, and so on. So what do you think? If you feel the need to speak out against something, do you do it in a public way so anyone and everyone can see it, or do you do it more quietly in the context of relationship? Why?

The Fine Line

2011-02-18T08:29:00.000-05:00

I have read a couple of popular Christian books lately that have left me feeling frustrated and discouraged. It seemed I would enjoy these books very much, considering that I believe in loving and caring for other people as an integral part of living out a Christian faith. And, on the surface anyway, it seemed like this was what these books would be about.

But these books, rather than simply encouraging this approach to faith, spend a huge amount of time tearing down what they are against. And, to hear them tell it, what they are against is basically Christianity in America as a whole.

For one thing, I feel that to negatively characterize the whole of Christianity in America is painting with a broad brush. Are there American churches that are so integrated with the American dream that they are completely self-focused and self-dependent? Well, yeah. And it's true that this is not the gospel. But I honestly do not believe that the majority of Christians in America have this attitude. I think most of us are doing our best to live an authentic faith. Instead of hearing that we are probably living unbiblically, perhaps we should instead be encouraged to seek the heart of God even more. In the end, books are not going to convince me of the heart of God or his plan for me. God can and will do that as I continue to seek him.

But this approach bothers me for another reason, and it may take a few posts to completely address my thoughts about it. So please bear with me.

The first question I have been asking myself is, "When we want to see change, is it best to tear down what we are against, or encourage what we are for?" It seems like semantics, a fine line, and some people would say our job is to do both. When fighting for a particular change, aren't you naturally fighting against something else?

I have encountered this struggle in my own life regarding something I care very much about: discipline of children. I will be very honest; I would love to see the day when all parents are able to effectively discipline their children without feeling the need to use spanking as an option. And that applies to all ends of the spectrum, from the spankings that border on abuse all the way down to the light swat on a diapered bottom. But does that mean I must fight against spanking, tear it down, and characterize people who do it as bad parents? Or does it mean I should encourage the kind of discipline I believe in so strongly? (Please note that this is not what this post is actually about, so if you disagree with me here, that's okay; this is just here as a personal example of the issue I am addressing.) I have become more and more convinced that my role is that of an encourager, not one who tears down what I am against.

But the next natural question is, "Is there a time for specifically speaking out against something?" That is my next question, anyway. And I am still thinking on that, so I will have to address it later. ;)

But for today, I will leave you with this: When you are passionate about seeing change, do you think it is more effective to fight against the thing you don't like, or to fight for the thing you want to see? Do you see a distinction between the two, or do you feel they are the same thing?

In Pursuit of Myself

2011-02-17T09:15:00.001-05:00

In my last few posts, I've been really honest about where I am right now and the struggles I'm having with figuring out exactly who I am, both as a mom and outside of being a mom.

I had a talk with a good friend over the weekend that helped me make some headway in figuring this out. He suggested that perhaps one of my biggest challenges is simply that I don't have anything for me that I love to do. I think that was a good point. Lots of moms love to do the things I mentioned in my last post-- cooking, baking, crafting, etc. But that's not really my thing. I need to find that thing that I love doing and then do it. Because deep down, even though I know I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom forever, I absolutely DO feel that this is where I am supposed to be right now. It is so important to me to be home with my kids during their early years. I fully expect that once Isaac starts school, I will be pursuing school or a career of my own. But right now, this is where I know I am called to be. So I need to find a way to make it work better for me, and trying to force myself to become the "domestic goddess" I mentioned in my last post isn't the solution.

I think I am taking steps in the right direction, though. Over the weekend, my family joined the Y and I have been going to work out every day since then. It has been really nice to get some time to myself to exercise, plus it's good for me. Isaac loves the childcare there; in fact, he hasn't wanted to leave when it's time to go home! He looks forward to going to play every day.

I've also started reading a few books that have nothing to do with parenting. They're books about Christianity, particularly the American version of it, and while I don't agree with the authors on everything they say, it gives me a lot to think about. It's so nice to have something to think about and talk about other than my children.

Plus I am considering going ahead and applying for a master's program in counseling. I could start in the fall, and just go part-time. I think I could handle a class or two per semester, especially since they're evening classes.

Already I am feeling more balanced and more like myself again. And, interestingly enough, I've noticed myself enjoying my role as a mom more, too. Good stuff!

I Am Not a Domestic Goddess

2011-02-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

During the time I've been a stay-at-home mom, I've struggled with trying to live up to expectations. Are they my expectations of myself, or society's expectations of me? I'm not sure, but I'm also not sure it matters which it is. Either way, I've fretted about living up to certain expectations, and I have especially fretted over feeling like I'm failing.

I remember my last semester of college, sitting in class and dreaming about finally being able to be home with my son full-time. I was excited about spending more time with him, of course, but I also had visions of accomplishing so many other things. A perfect house! Homeschooling! Scrapbooking! Candle-making! Baking! Cooking everything from scratch! Making my own jewelry! Yes, I was going to be Homemaker Extraordinaire! A regular Domestic Goddess!

You can laugh. For that matter, I am laughing... but only a little. Because to be honest, I am still trying to live up to these kinds of expectations of myself.

I sometimes feel like, in other people's eyes, this is the perfect picture of the stay-at-home mom. Someone who is endlessly patient with the children, who keeps a wonderfully clean and perfectly decorated home, who is always cooking and baking, who is creative and crafty.

And some people are all those things, and they are great at it! I'm just... not. I don't like to cook, and I only occasionally like to bake. My attempt at homeschooling went awry very quickly. I spend too much time online. My home is rarely perfect, and even when it is, it doesn't last long because I am home with a toddler. As for being crafty... meh. I like the idea of it, but I rarely have the patience or dedication for it, or the money. I do have interests and talents, but they aren't of the baking and crafting variety. I love to read and write, I am interested in personality theory, psychology, counseling, sociology, and spirituality. I want to go back to school for a master's degree, and in a few years, I want to start a career.

For a while, I was reading several "mom blogs" and I finally had to cut way down on the number I was reading. They were reinforcing these expectations I was putting on myself. Lots of cooking, baking, crafting, homeschooling, and so on. No offense to moms who happen to blog about those things; if you love it and are good at it, awesome! The issue I'm having is totally me. I was putting pressure on myself and telling myself I was a failure for not being all those things I was reading about.

So where does that leave me? Am I a failure if I let go of these expectations? Or am I finally succeeding at accepting myself for who I am? And to address the question from my last post, do I know who I am outside of being a mom? I think embracing my own talents and interests is a step in the right direction.

Identity

2011-02-09T23:03:00.002-05:00

I am really struggling with life right now.

Part of the issue is winter, I'm sure. I always get like this during the winter. Everything is gray and dead, and it affects my mood. When spring rolls around, I seriously feel like a completely different person. But winter... winter sucks.

But winter is not really the whole problem.

I am feeling this deep sense of pain and dissatisfaction. I hate admitting that I feel this way, but I do. I know my life is great, but I am still struggling. I hear those voices in the back of my head, the question posed to me from a very young age: What do you have to be unhappy about? I guess if it worked to shame myself into a sense of happiness, I'd already be there. I am very good at shaming myself for not being who I think I should be or feeling how I think I should feel.

Sometimes I think that I don't know who I really am beyond being a mother. I mean, I went from being a teenager who didn't have a clue who I really was... to being a wife and mother while I was still a teen. Eighteen years old is young, folks. And while I think I have done okay with becoming a mother at such a young age, it has also taken its toll on me. I had to grow up faster than most people. I don't have much in common with most of my "age group." Although in a lot of ways I never really did. I was in college for a few years, so that was something for me, but once I graduated, honestly, my life began to pretty much revolve around being a mother.

And I can hear the arguments now, that being a mother is an amazing calling, and that raising children is so important, and why wouldn't I want to give my all to my children? I've said all those things myself. And I agree, but I'm not sure that I need to give so much of myself that being a mother becomes the totality of who I am.

Yet I feel like my reality requires that of me, and it frustrates me. Anytime I try to pursue something for me, it doesn't work out. A few years ago, I was all ready to go back to school, I was applying to master's programs... and then I found out I was pregnant with Isaac. I've applied for jobs I think I would really love, but I haven't gotten them. More recently, I was beginning to consider a part-time job or going back to school, and then I got a faint positive pregnancy test only to miscarry a couple days later. I'm still recovering from that emotional roller coaster. But yeah, it feels like every time I try to move into having an identity outside of being a mom, I get put back in my place.

Being a mom is a huge part of who I am. But as I am discovering, and re-discovering, other parts of who I am, I feel frustrated that I can't explore or pursue those things to the extent I desire.

I often become restless and bored, and irritable too. Sure, I can occupy myself getting all riled up and vocal about things like parenting methods, breastfeeding, and birth... and I have certainly done that before... but it feels empty somehow. Sure, I care about those things. I care about them very much. But I don't want to be consumed by them. Those things are not who I am.

There is really no point to this. I'm just sitting here and typing the words as they come to me. And I'm not even sure yet if I want to post this. It feels too raw, too honest, and way too vulnerable. I don't really want people telling me I shouldn't feel this way. This is a tricky stage of life for me to be in. Please be gentle with me. I am struggling to find my way.

Love

2011-01-05T08:03:00.001-05:00

As I contemplate the areas where I feel led to grow and develop, they can all be summed up with one word: love.

So as a new year begins, I am not making a list of goals that I will inevitably forget about in just a few short weeks. No timetables of accomplishments I want to achieve, no regimented schedules to help me get there, no pressure to be a perfect version of me.

I just want to focus on love. I want love to be my motivation in my daily life, in my decisions, in my interactions with others, in my treatment of myself.

Will I fail at this sometimes? No doubt about it. I’m human; of course I cannot love perfectly. But I feel this urge within my soul to love more genuinely.

And it is not something I can do on my own. I can force loving actions, maybe, for a time. But I cannot force love. So in order to love more genuinely, I must draw closer to the one who is love. My prayer is that I will be able to see and feel God’s love for me more than I ever have before, and that he will help me love others the way he wants me to.

I know this is a scripture that pretty much everyone knows, but I never get tired of it. I think it is so beautiful.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Children's Ministry

2010-12-28T19:46:00.003-05:00

When I realized it had fallen to me to put together the children’s ministry at church, I’ll admit my first response was trepidation. I’m not sure this is the right place for me, I thought. I mean, yeah, I love children and I think children’s ministry is important, but wow, this feels like a big deal. With some encouragement and affirmation from people who know me well and were sure I would be great at it, I decided to give it a chance. Then we promptly purchased a curriculum that turned out to be a horrible fit for us, stopped meeting at the theater, started meeting in a home, and completely abandoned any notion of children’s ministry for a while as we located and renovated a permanent place to meet.

Now we are settled into our new location and we are ready to get the children’s ministry up and running again. And again, I have an underlying feeling of anxiety. But this time, I am better able to pinpoint what the problem is. As much as I care about children and families, and as much as I love putting together a curriculum that fits into the vision of our children’s ministry, I find it so overwhelming to think of the enormous responsibility involved in teaching children about God. I have heard too many stories of people whose view of God was warped by the teaching they heard as children, and as adults they are still trying to sort it all out. And I am reminded of the scripture that says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways.” Combine that with the idea that “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea,” and yeah, there’s some anxiety there!

I look at myself and see how imperfect I am, and all the ways that I stumble on a regular basis. And I wonder how on earth anyone, much less God himself, could think it’s a good idea for me to teach children about God. I certainly don’t have it all figured out. In many ways I am still learning about who God is and how much he loves me. I’m still sorting out all the different teachings I’ve heard about God in my lifetime. How can I presume to teach children the right things about God? What if I inadvertently cause them to stumble?

But as I thought through this, a couple of things happened.

I realized that no one has a perfect, completely accurate understanding of God. Every last one of us is doing the best we can with the understanding we have of God, and every last one of us is going to get it wrong sometimes. At some point we may all give others an inaccurate view of who God is, not because we are doing it on purpose but because we are human ourselves and we are all still on the journey. Of course that doesn’t mean we can be careless about what we teach others about God, but it does mean that we can have grace for ourselves. God knows that none of us are perfect, and luckily, he is bigger than us and our mistakes. If God was limited by our understanding of him, we’d have no hope at all. I mentioned earlier that I’ve heard so many stories of people whose view of God was warped by teachings they heard as children, but then I realized that most of those people have hung in there and are trying to come to a more accurate understanding of God. Others may be in the process of walking away from damaging teachings they’ve heard, but that doesn’t mean they’re walking away from God himself. Perhaps they are taking the steps they need to take in order to gain a better understanding of who God is.

When I look at the whole situation, it makes a lot of sense for me to be involved in family and children’s ministry; it’s something I really do care about very much. But I have been too afraid to put that passion to use because of my fear that I will mess up. Now I am seeing that it is better to move forward prayerfully and carefully than to let fear stop me from moving at all.

So, children’s ministry, here I come! I'm excited about planning a curriculum and building a family and children's ministry. I love figuring out how to put our vision into action. I'll admit that I feel my strengths lie more in planning and administration than the actual teaching, so for that reason I'm still a little nervous. However, I think it is going to be okay. I definitely do have a heart for families and children, and a desire for the children at our church to learn about God in ways they can understand. I also know that we have an amazing group of volunteers to work with the children. I'm excited to see where things go!

His Grace Is Sufficient

2010-12-20T21:07:00.004-05:00

Looking at me from the outside, you might think I pretty much have things all together. Sure, you may think that I mess up every now and then, in little ways, but it doesn’t seem like anything too major, especially when you compare it to my accomplishments and the way God is working in my life.

But I have a secret. There is something that keeps coming back to haunt me. I struggle with this thing over and over. Try as I might, I cannot seem to permanently disentangle myself from it. Sometimes it feels like there is a battle taking place for my very soul. When the temptation arises, I fight against it, but eventually I become so weary and I start giving in. I know what I should do, but I find myself doing the very thing I hate.

The struggle is exhausting and painful. Sometimes it feels like a huge thorn is lodged deeply into me, piercing my flesh and going all the way down to my spirit. And when I look at this recurring battle, in all its ugliness and pain, I can see just how broken I really am. In that moment, I cannot be prideful, I cannot fool myself into thinking I have it all together, I cannot pretend to everyone else that all is well. On my own, I am nothing. I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

And so I cry out to God in frustration. I ask him to take this thing away from me. His answer stuns me. He says no. But why would he let me keep struggling through this when he could just make it all better? I plead with him to take it away. It is too much. I cannot bear this own my own. And then the answer comes more clearly than ever.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

He tells me that he is not going to take this thing away from me. We all have things that we struggle with, some publicly, some privately. Humanity as a whole is broken, far from the way God intended us to be in the beginning, and I am no exception. I am humbled by my own humanity, my own weaknesses and failures and temptations. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I cannot be perfect. I have no business being prideful.

And, in fact, if I were able to do just fine on my own, I would never be able to experience the amazing grace of God. There would be no need for it. The truth is, I don’t deserve this grace at all. Yet there it is, offered to me by a God who is able to use even my biggest screw-ups to remind me of his power and love.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness.

Inspired by Romans 7:15-25 and 2 Corinthians 12:1-10

Thy Grace Alone

2010-12-19T23:12:00.002-05:00

Several months ago, I began going through the book of Romans, reading and then writing about a chapter at a time. I only made it through a few chapters before I quit.

I'm thinking that it's about time to pick that back up. Romans always speaks to me in such a profound way, and it is especially hitting me hard lately as I grapple with the grace of God and my own brokenness.

I've realized that while I seem to understand grace in theory, I have such a hard time understanding it and accepting it when it comes to myself. Recently I have come face to face with my own brokenness and the issues and struggles that come from it. I've tried denying it, I've tried hiding it, I've tried giving in to it, and I've tried fixing myself. But I've come to a point where I have stopped trying to do all those things and instead am trying to wrap my mind around the unfathomable, amazing grace of God.

The song "Not What My Hands Have Done" by Aaron Keyes has been on my mind, and I think it fits perfectly in this post. You can also read the lyrics at the following link if, like me, you don't really like to watch videos. ;) http://www.lyricstime.com/aaron-keyes-not-what-my-hands-have-done-lyrics.html

Beauty To Be Found

2010-12-13T07:00:00.001-05:00

I find winter depressing and ugly. The bare trees, the gray sky, the chilling cold, the extra darkness. It feels lifeless and drab.

I feel like I am going through a personal winter right now. Where there once was color and joy, things feel dead and gray. I don't necessarily mean emotionally, although it naturally takes an emotional toll too. I mean within myself, spiritually, as I struggle through this season of life that reminds me so much of winter.

Yesterday I looked out the window and saw snowflakes coming down. It was like an extra measure of grace, a bit of much-needed beauty in the midst of the freezing air and the gray sky. And in that moment, I was reminded that beauty is still there. Even in the grayest, coldest season where everything feels lifeless, there is still beauty to be found.

It is the same in one's personal winter; there is still beauty to be found. It may be harder to come by, at times, but it is there. Perhaps in a hug, the kind words of a friend, laughter, a song, thoughtfulness.

I was also reminded that winter is just a season. The winters come and go, but they do not last forever. They are followed by new life, growth, and warmth. Though I may be in a dark place now, it will not last. Spring is coming. Joy is coming. There is hope.

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Nine Years

2010-12-08T07:00:00.001-05:00

When my husband and I got married, let's face it, the odds were against us. I was 17 and a senior in high school, he was 19 and a college student, and I was pregnant. People don't normally look at a situation like that and think, "Oh, that's going to work out great!" Many times, it doesn't work out well at all.

And it was tough, especially the first few years. We were still young and immature, and we said and did several things to each other that were hurtful and inconsiderate. We struggled, we were often distant from each other, and we were both at fault. I remember feeling at times that we were basically roommates. We had very few mutual friends or common interests. Somehow we managed to hang on.

When we had been married for about three years, I began to long for something more, but I didn't know how we could ever get there. It felt like we would have to start anew in so many ways. And so I prayed. I prayed that the slate would be wiped clean and that we could leave old hurts and habits in the past so we would be able to start building something new together. And my prayer was answered. It was amazing how things changed in my heart from that point on. Things improved, but we still had a long way to go.

When we had been married for five years, lots of things changed for us. Several things happened within the time span of just a few months. I joined a message board of other Christian women, and from reading there I began learning so much more about healthy communication and boundaries in marriage. I know the things I read there made a huge difference in me. Around the same time, we both became less dependent on our best friends and more dependent on each other, and we began discovering common interests and goals. And we started going to a new church, where we developed mutual friendships. Those things all sound so simple, but they made a world of difference in our relationship.

Since then, we have grown closer than I ever thought possible. Of course we still have our own interests and hobbies, but we also have common ones. We share important goals and dreams. I feel so blessed to be married to a man who I can truly say is my best friend. It's awesome to look back and see where we've been and how far we've come in the past nine years.

Happy anniversary!

Just Breathe

2010-12-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

I am at a self-reflective time in my life. I know some of you are thinking, "When is she NOT in a self-reflective time?"

I've realized that I'm running out of the emotional energy to keep up the idealism that has been part of my life for so long. Many times I have created all these ideals for myself and then I don't understand why I can't do them all. I've often found myself thinking something must be wrong with me.

But nothing's wrong with me. I'm human, and I can't do it all. So I've been working on taking the pressure off myself, figuring out what works for me right now and what doesn't, and then doing what I need to do without berating myself and feeling guilty.

In some areas, that means I've stopped trying to do things that are clearly not working at this point in my life. Homeschooling is one of them. Elijah went back to public school a few weeks ago, and it has made a tremendous difference in my emotional state (in a positive way). He is very happy with it too. I'm realizing it's okay to admit that something just isn't working.

In other areas, it means remembering that I am still on the journey myself. I haven't "arrived." No one has. It's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to mess up. There's no need for me to judge myself so harshly, or to judge others, for that matter. We're all on our own journeys, learning along the way, and doing the best we can in our own day-to-day realities. And that's okay.

In Which My Child Is Very Cute

2010-12-03T15:11:00.003-05:00

It was close to naptime, and as I looked back at Isaac in the rearview mirror, I could see how sleepy he looked. I decided to drive down my favorite country road in hopes that he'd go ahead and fall asleep.

This is a great idea, I thought. We'll be away from the busy roads and the traffic lights and all the things that could distract him.

As we drove through the country, I glanced in the mirror again. Isaac was not yet asleep, but his eyelids were drooping, his head was turned slightly toward the window, and he was very quiet. It wouldn't be long until he was sleeping.

Then suddenly, he sat up straight, his eyes flew open, and he pointed toward the fields. "A DOW!" he said, loudly.

("Dow" is Isaac-speak for cow.)

"Yes, those are cows," I affirmed. "See all the cows?"

"A DOW! A DOW! A DOW! MOOOOOOOO!"

We rounded another curve, and again he pointed. "A dow!"

"That's a horse. See the horse?" I said.

"A dow," he repeated, matter-of-factly. "A dow."

He pointed out every cow he saw, and also a few things that were not cows, as we drove through the countryside.

He did eventually fall asleep-- as we were at the traffic light to cross the highway on the way back home. So much for getting away from it all to help him sleep. ;)

Labels: Good or Bad?

2010-12-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

Labels. They're everywhere. They're in parenting. Politics. Religion. Sexuality. We are constantly using labels to define ourselves. Why? And are labels really such a bad thing, or do they serve a positive purpose?

I think there are pros and cons to labels. On the positive side, when we see that we identify with the stated purposes of certain groups, it's convenient to be able to use that label to give others an idea of where we stand. Attachment parenting. Libertarian. Emergent. Democrat. Baptist. Gay. Muslim. Christian. Republican. Those labels all evoke certain thoughts and images in our heads, and if the labels are accurately understood by the people we're talking to, they can be a positive thing and an aid in getting to know people better. And labels can create unity. As a parent, if I see someone else label themselves as an attachment parent, I know right away that we are going to have certain goals in common, and possibly certain practices as well.

On the other hand, labels can also create division, especially when they are misunderstood.

I've noticed over the past several years the tendency for Christians to be hesitant to label themselves as such, going with terms like "Jesus follower" instead. Why? Because for many people, the label "Christian" is a loaded one. It often evokes a mental image of legalism, judgment, materialism, and a whole host of other things that are not true to the heart of Christ. Many people feel that the proper response is to distance themselves from the label that brings up negative feelings for so many. And I can completely understand that.

At the same time, though, I wonder if we should distance ourselves from labels that have become misunderstood, or if we should seek to redeem those labels by keeping them and showing what they really mean. But that brings me to another question-- do labels keep their original meaning even when they bring up other connotations for large segments of the population? Or does the actual meaning of the label change along with the popular perception of it?

Another alternative would be to throw out labels entirely. Perhaps it would be a good thing to simply live our lives according to what we believe, have honest conversations with people about our thoughts on things like parenting, politics, religion, and so forth, and never bring labels into it.

I tend to believe that there is value in sticking with the original definitions of labels and seeking to clarify their purpose when people misunderstand. At the same time, there is also value in abandoning labels that are creating division.

Labels are complicated. They can bring unity and clarity, but they can also cause division and misunderstanding. Their meanings can change over time, at least in people's minds if not in the strict definition of them.

I'd be really interested in hearing thoughts from people who are well-versed in social psychology or linguistics. I definitely think both of these things play a part in the dynamics and understanding of labels within a culture.

Isn't That Just Good Parenting?

2010-11-29T07:00:00.003-05:00

My last post sparked an interesting, and very good, conversation about the implications of the attachment parenting label. It was pointed out that, if attachment parenting really is what I described, then it’s simply what good parents do and it doesn’t need the “attachment” label. It’s just parenting.

I agree with that statement-- but I would be hesitant to say it without first attempting to clear up the common misunderstandings of what is meant by "attachment" parenting in the first place. Here's why:

Suppose you have been given the impression that attachment parenting is breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping, and then you heard me say, “Attachment parenting is really just what good parents do, and it doesn’t even need the label. Just call it parenting.” If you hear that statement with an inaccurate understanding of what attachment parenting is, that would be an incredibly hurtful statement! What you would actually “hear” me saying is that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are bad parents. And, if you read my last post, you know that’s not what I believe at all.

At the same time, though, I concede that the label itself can cause confusion, but I would say that part of that confusion does stem from not knowing what is actually meant by the term. When you hear “attachment parenting,” it is logical to assume that anything that isn’t described as attachment parenting would be described as detachment parenting. So, if you think that attachment parenting is about outward actions, then you would assume that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are being called detached. And if you read my last post, you know I don’t believe that either!

Hence the clarification of what, exactly, the point of attachment parenting is. It’s hard, if not downright impossible, to have an honest conversation about the label itself if you think it is implying something it isn’t. This misunderstanding of what the actual goal of attachment parenting is contributes to a lot of the confusion about it.

As I stated in my last post, the heart of attachment parenting is relationship. It’s about forming a healthy parent-child attachment by being responsive and sensitive to your children and parenting them as individuals. Sure, things like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and babywearing are common ways to help foster attachment, but you are not a “detachment” parent if you don’t do them! Attachment has been one of my main goals with both of my children. Yet one of them hardly ever slept in our room, only nursed for a couple weeks, and was never worn in a sling (I didn't even know they existed!), while the other has co-slept since he was born (now only part of the time), is starting the weaning process at the age of 2, and has been worn in a sling some (but not frequently because of back problems that I have). And I have a very healthy attachment with both of them!

Attachment parenting emphasizes having plenty of nurturing physical contact with your child, breastfeeding (when possible) both for nourishment and comfort, being within close proximity at night (not necessarily in the same bed), and continuing to respond promptly and sensitively to a baby’s needs at night. In all honesty, these are things that are biologically appropriate. Mothers have God-given instincts to hold our babies, to comfort them when they cry, to nurse them, and to be responsive no matter the time of day. However, in recent history, there have been parenting books that promote the author's "methods" rather than encouraging mothers to trust and follow their natural mothering instincts. Here are some common examples: Don’t hold the baby so much; you’ll spoil him. Don’t nurse him whenever he cues that he wants to; put him on a strict schedule. Don’t ever put him in your bed; he may never leave. Don’t respond to his nighttime cries; he needs to learn that nighttime is for sleeping.

Could it be that attachment parenting has to be qualified with the “attachment” label to distinguish it from this attitude of parenting that has honestly become quite common in our culture? I agree that responsive, sensitive parenting shouldn’t need a label; it should just be “parenting.” But in our culture, maybe the label serves a purpose.

I also want to talk about why I think many parents are so eager to identify themselves with various labels and methods, and the pros and cons of labels in general (not just in parenting), but those topics will have to be for future posts.

What Is "Attachment Parenting" Anyway?

2010-11-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about this thing known as "attachment parenting.” Some of the misconceptions are perpetuated by authors who are trying to "sell" their particular method, so it isn't surprising that many times they negatively characterize parenting styles that differ from whatever they’re selling. Attachment parenting, then, gets unfairly labeled as permissive, child-controlled, spoiling children, and so on. While I’m sure that those things could be true of some people who claim to be attachment parents, I definitely don’t think it’s true for the majority.

But some of the misunderstandings of attachment parenting stem from the AP community itself. As with anything, there can be a tendency to become so caught up in the "rules" of what you're doing that you lose focus of the heart of it. That’s human nature. Unfortunately, because of this tendency, many people have a negative impression of attachment parents as self-righteous and judgmental of others who do things differently. And, again, this may indeed be true of some people who practice attachment parenting, but it’s not true of the majority.

Nevertheless, there's this idea out there that attachment parenting is all about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, and looking down our noses at people who don't do these things. I'm going to go on record as saying that, actually, attachment parenting isn't about any of those things.

Simply stated, the heart of attachment parenting is about knowing your children, fostering a healthy attachment with them, and responding sensitively to their needs. It's not about following a list of rules; it's about knowing your children as individuals and choosing to do things that are in their best interest. And it's definitely not about being self-effacing and being controlled by your children; there is a lot to be said for balance. Consider everyone's needs and find what works for your individual family. For example, in some families, co-sleeping is a great solution. In others, it's just not. And that's okay! We don’t need to judge others or ourselves against some imaginary list of AP rules.

When my oldest was a baby, I knew just a little about attachment parenting and I was convinced that I couldn't possibly be considered “AP” because I wasn't breastfeeding my son. Years later, I realized that wasn't true. You can be an attached parent whether you breastfeed or formula feed, co-sleep or sleep separately, use a sling or not, stay home or work, homeschool or school away from home. Because it's not about checking certain things off a list; it's about relationship, sensitivity, and nurturing. I can't see how making certain choices "just because" you think they're on the list of proper AP things is all that different from making certain choices "just because" that's what mainstream culture does. In both of those cases, you'd just be adhering to something without actually thinking it through for yourself and making an active choice.

In the end, it comes back to the same thing I always seem to come back to in posts like this. Don't do anything "just because." Do the research, think about your own family's needs and your own child's needs, and make the choices that fit best with your individual situation. Make informed, educated decisions and confidently own your choices.

Busy Restaurant, Tired Toddler

2010-11-22T07:00:00.001-05:00

It was 6:00 on a Friday evening, and our family was circling the parking lot of the crowded restaurant, hoping to find an empty spot. When we were finally unloaded and we met up with the rest of our group, we found out that it was going to be about an hour before we'd have a table.

I looked at my already-tired toddler and thought, "Oh no. This is going to be a disaster." We were having dinner with several members of Clark's family, a couple of whom were visiting from out of state. It was one of those times where I desperately hoped my children would be well-behaved, and I was starting to realize that may not work out as well as I'd hoped.

As we waited outside, we all took turns playing with Isaac. Eventually, our table was ready and we all went inside. Isaac was uninterested in sitting in a highchair, so I let him sit with me and he had a great time trying to crack peanut shells. When the food arrived, he happily moved to the highchair and began eating. Once he was finished with his food, he returned to our laps and the peanuts. A few minutes before we were all ready to leave, he did begin to get restless, which was easily remedied by allowing him to walk around to the other side of the table and crunch the shells under his feet. (Don't worry, this was one of those restaurants where it's fine to put the peanut shells in the floor!)

At the end of the night, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had worried that the combination of crowded restaurant and tired toddler would be disastrous, but it actually went quite well. We stayed patient with him, gave him things to do, and set him up for success as much as possible in a situation that was challenging. I thought back on advice I've heard from other parents and even from books, about training children to behave in restaurants by using physical punishment. Yet I have never done this with Isaac, and he is learning to behave in restaurants anyway. It was a good reminder-- and I need those as much as any parent sometimes!-- that many of the frustrating behaviors present at certain ages/stages are simply grown out of as the child matures and as the parents model and teach the appropriate behaviors, no punishment necessary. Very, very cool!

Just a few days later, my friend Ashley mentioned this very same concept in the guest post she wrote:

One last point: It helps to remember that a lot of the annoying behaviors that come with certain ages and phases are just that: phases. Children generally mature out of them, just by maturing and consistent, gentle reinforcement of boundaries. (Really, they do. It's like magic.)

I was encouraged by these reminders-- both the real-life experience we had at the restaurant and Ashley's post. Sometimes when you're in the midst of challenging stages in a child's development, it's hard to remember that they will eventually grow out of those behaviors with time and patience. But they do! And it's such a neat thing to see.

Let's Talk Toddlers (Guest Post)

2010-11-19T07:24:00.001-05:00

This guest post was written by Ashley Van Otterloo. She's a good friend of mine and is the mom of three children. I hope her words speak to you as much as they spoke to me!

So. Let's talk toddlers.

It's really common, as the parent of a budding toddler, to feel a little "duped" by any easy-parenting fantasies you held previously, or completely steamrolled by the realization that gentle parenting (and ANY parenting) is really long, really hard, often thankless work.

While creating a loving bond with our tiny babies, it's easy to imagine that our little one and ourselves will enjoy the euphoria of "togetherness" forever, and that baby will seamlessly become an equally agreeable child, in sync with our every idea. Even if a baby has been high needs or cried a lot, we might look forward to easier time of it once they get older and less colicky/clingy.

For many mothers, including myself, 12mo-2.5 years is a HUGE reality check about what it means to be a parent. I discovered very fast that my daughter is and forever will be her own person, with her own ideas, her own hopes, her own God-given bent and personality...that is often in contrast/conflict with mine! What a RUDE awakening!

It was a time that I spent much time in prayer, realizing the weight of the task I was about to undertake: leading an individual gently and thoughtfully through childhood, and realizing that *I* was now the adult in her life that she looked to for protection, instruction and nurture. Despite any cranky moods, unfairness, and challenge that the commitment brought me, I was committed to being her mom! What a HUGE paradigm shift this was for me!

In light of what I've gleaned from my limited experience (this is our 3rd time around), and from observations of emotional trends that tend to happen at this age, I thought I'd compile a little list that might be helpful for a mama navigating this for the first (or second, third, fourth...) time!

Things that make this time unique:

Differentiation (Mama and me are different!): From 12 months, babies begin a fantastic journey of finding their own place in the world, as they no longer view themselves an extension of mommy! This means exploration; fuzzy, emotional opinions of their own; unique ideas; lots of experimenting with behaviors and words. This age can be charming, funny, busy and exhausting for parents!

New experimental expressions like the infamous "NO!!!" are healthy, but can take some adjusting to emotionally, especially if your background (like mine) was a punitive paradigm. It can take a while to find a balance between allowing for individual expression and enforcing healthy boundaries.

Need for reassurance: The flip side of differentiation is need for nurture! Babies this age often get overwhelmed by their own ability to stray from mama, and from the sheer new volume of stimulation and information at their fingertips! While they're struggling to get down and explore their world, they also need plenty of cuddling, loving, direction and reassurance!

Increased Mobility : If you have a child this age, this point is obvious. Childproofing, wise choices in playdate location, lots of redirecting and on-feet time for parents is a hallmark of this busy phase!

Changing lifestyle: Up until this point, it's easy enough to tote along little Rex or Regina in a stroller or sling, and friends are generally happy to see your little bundle of cuteness. Once toddling is reached, however, things like eating and the bowling alley become more challenging. (Sometimes challenging is a laughable understatement! ) You're now responsible for making sure the boundaries of others are honored, AND setting your little one up for successful behavior by providing appropriate place to explore. If your social life is mostly composed of single or childless friends, this experience will likely be even more obvious.

For extroverted or social couples, this can be especially challenging, and it may take time and patience to reinvent your social support system in a way that nurtures you and provides a safe, successful environment for your child. The work put into it is always satisfying! Don't give up, and be patient with yourself and your spouse as you navigate these new waters.

Changing sibling relationships: For toddlers with older siblings, this is often an age of discovering rivalry (and relationship!). Different children with different needs and opinions about things require lots of involvement and navigation of physical boundaries from parents (especially in the very early years! ) The baby is all of a sudden more interesting and, sometimes, more scary. The Mama Bear that is awoken when on child hurts another can leave you feeling wild and breathless sometimes.

If your toddler is the older child, this is often a very rattling emotional time for mama! Feelings of betraying your toddler with another pregnancy, worry that you won't have enough resources to go around, feelings of annoyance that they won't mature more quickly, feelings of being overwhelmed by the needs of TWO small people can be daunting. It's a great time to take a deep breath and ask yourself what your child is actually capable of (and not what you WISH he/she were capable of), and trouble-shoot from there.

Body changes for mama: Most women notice changes in their bodies or, at very least, the amount of time/energy that can be devoted to self-image or self care after the infant year! This can contribute to rattling of the way we view ourselves, and tends to lend an emotional intensity to our reactions to increasing demands on our energy and patience.

Remembering that people who feel good behave better will help. Pick a hobby or pursuit you love. Call a girlfriend. Hand your toddler off to your spouse or a trusted loved one for a couple of hours. Taking care of ourselves (even if it's just half an hour in the tub every week to unwind and soak out the stress) isn't selfish. It's prudent.

Need for increased body boundaries, but continued need for nurture: While being an attached parent, it's often healthy and useful to recognize that there are age-appropriate times to gradually set limits on our children's access to our bodies (nursing boundaries, need for personal space sometimes). This can look different for every parent/child, according to individual needs. It's also important to recognize that while setting boundaries and limits, we can honor the fact that our toddlers are still very small and very much babies who continue to need some level of physical reassurance. As in all things, a healthy balance for everyone can be struck.

Discipline choices take a central role: This is a sorting out time for most parents in the area of discipline philosophy. Toddlerhood is where the proverbial rubber meets the road. The realization that parenting and reinforcing the same boundary over and over can be HARD sets in, and many mothers previously delighted with Gentle Discipline can feel disillusioned. (It is, after all, a lot easier to imagine being gentle with a cooing baby than with a mobile baby who has their own set of needs and opinions! )

Parenting isn't easy. It takes committment, time, patience, repetition, and a commitment to strive for teaching and instilling of love for the long haul. It takes *time* and energy, and there are no easy solutions when cultivating compassion, kindness and character.

It's also an age where the decision has to be reached to become educated and confident in your OWN parenting choices, and to grow rather thick skin from the flurry of advice that's bound to come your way. Others often have strong opinions about how we should parent our own children. I've found that with family, it's good to take a no-nonsense approach, and simply "out" myself as a proactive, gentle mother, and make it clear that my parenting choices aren't up for discussion. I do the same with close friends. This isn't forceful or rude; it's taking on the appropriate role of authority and protector in your precious child's life, and making the boundary of your place as Parent clear.

Much of parenting is donning a flame-proof attitude about the decisions you prayerfully and thoughtfully make, and then standing your ground, and surrounding yourself with those who will at least be respectful of your choices. It's a time when you step out of a follower role yourself, and become a leader for your children.

One last point: It helps to remember that a lot of the annoying behaviors that come with certain ages and phases are just that: phases. Children generally mature out of them, just by maturing and consistent, gentle reinforcement of boundaries. (Really, they do. It's like magic.) To be sure, each new phase brings with it it's own set of unique and what often appear to be bizarre behaviors. Read up on ages and stages...Ames and Ilg's "Your Two Year Old" is a great place to start.

I challenge each mom to pray and ask God to help her to fall in love with THIS child that you've been given. Not the child you imagined you had, not the child you expected, not the child you wish you had. Ask the Holy Spirit to wind your heart around what it is that makes this specific child's personality fantastic and capable, and then commit to pouring your effort into nurturing that. It's a beautiful journey, if hectic and crazy sometimes, and one that's worth the walking!

Midnight

2010-11-17T09:12:00.000-05:00

In the middle of the night, he wakes. He stumbles bleary-eyed into my bedroom, calling, "Mama! Mama!" I welcome him into bed and he snuggles next to me, immediately comforted. His eyes close, his breathing steadies, and he is back to sleep.

But I'm awake, and I lie there looking at him. I remember sleeping with him beside me for the first time, opening my eyes over and over again just to peek at him, amazed that this little person was finally here, and amazed at the beautiful birth we had just experienced.

Almost two years have passed. He has grown and learned so much. He's becoming more independent every day. Yet, underneath it all, I still see my baby. He still needs me for comfort, and he comes to me in the night to cuddle. These are precious moments.

Cooperation

2010-11-15T07:37:00.000-05:00

As we near bedtime, I go to the boys' room with Isaac, who is nearly 2. "It's time to pick up your toys," I say. "Let's start with your animals." I pick up the small red storage container we use to store his dinosaurs and zoo animals. "Pick up your animals and put them in here," I instruct him.

His reaction is predictable, especially if you're familiar with young children. He sees the toys, and he wants to play with them. Bedtime, schmedtime. It's playtime! And then, of course, he realizes that it is not playtime; Mom seriously wants him to pick up the toys. He feels a flood of disappointed and angry emotions, which team up with his sleepiness, and it all bursts out in the only word his limited vocabulary can come up with to describe what he's feeling:

"NOOOOOOOO!" he cries, as I demonstrate what I want him to do. I put a couple dinosaurs in the box. He grabs the other side of the box with his hands and tries desperately to pull it away, hoping to dump the toys back out and get just a few minutes of playtime.

I stand firm. "It's hard to pick up toys when you want to play. I know," I empathize. "It's time to pick up now. See the elephant over there? Put it in the box."

He has relinquished his grip on the storage bin but he is still protesting verbally. I reach over and get the elephant, making it "walk" to the box with exaggerated large movements. "Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp!" I'm providing sound effects for the elephant. "CRASH!" as it lands on the other animals in the box.

The tears have stopped, and there is a smile. There he is. Now he's with me.

"Can you find the giraffe?" I ask. He does. "Put it in the box." He does. We do the same thing with several other animals; I name one for him to find, then he finds it and puts it away. Soon we are done with the animals, but now there are cars. We approach the cars similarly, looking for red ones, yellow ones, motorcycles. Then we move on to putting away a few larger items that go in the closet. He works hard, following every instruction I give.

When we are finished, I look around at the tidy room and smile. "Look, your room is all clean!" I say. He nods his head in agreement. "You did it!" I say. He beams.

I'm Thinking...

2010-11-13T21:34:00.001-05:00

I may resurrect the blog. :)

I think I'm finally starting to feel like writing regularly again. Yay!

Where They Are

2010-09-25T21:47:00.003-04:00

I've heard many people say that God "meets you where you are." He's not angry or punishing us for not being able to do everything the way he knows is best. Nor is he throwing out expectations and standards; he expects us to grow and mature. But God recognizes our abilities and weaknesses at any given spot in our journey and he guides us through them. He patiently disciples us and helps us grow, and as we mature, we start living more as he desires us to live.

It hit me the other day that this is an excellent model for me as a parent, and it's something I've forgotten quite a bit lately, if I'm being honest. I've realized how often I refuse to meet my children where they are. As the adult, with my adult logic and rules and plans, I end up frustrated because my children are simply not on the same level. And it is so easy to become harsh and punitive when, rather than meeting my children where they are, I expect them to be where I am! But I was reminded that this is not how God treats me.

So I have been re-evaluating my parenting and reminding myself that my children are in completely different places developmentally than I am. They have their own abilities and weaknesses. I need to understand what they are and are not capable of at any given age/stage and meet them where they are. Of course this doesn't mean tossing out rules and standards of behavior; that would be permissive, and that's not how God treats me either. ;-) It means coming alongside them and patiently discipling them, guiding and teaching them, and helping them grow and mature.

I want the fruit of the spirit to be evident in my parenting-- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I am reminded of God's patience, kindness, and gentleness to me, and I want to show the same to my children. It seems that in meeting my children where they are, there is a greater likelihood for grace, patience, and understanding to characterize my relationship with them.

Commitment

2010-09-09T09:17:00.004-04:00

"At first, everything was going great. I was happy, my needs were being met, and everything was going smoothly. I couldn't have asked for more! But lately, things haven't been going so well. I don't feel like my needs are being met anymore, things aren't going the way I want them to go, and I have to admit, I've been mighty tempted to look elsewhere. I'm just sure someone else can meet my needs better. I know I made a commitment, but now I'm thinking that maybe it's time to give up on this and walk away."

If someone said this regarding their marriage, they would probably be encouraged to work things out. Every marriage goes through rough times occasionally, and these times are opportunities for growth. The couple could talk through things honestly, figure out what isn't working, and work together to move in a healthier direction.

Over the past couple of years, I've come to realize how many similarities there are between committing to a marriage and committing to a church community.

When you're trying to find the right church community, you do look around. But eventually, you are hopefully able to settle into a place that feels right. You're on board with the church's vision, you're getting involved and building relationships, and you're growing closer to God. But communities, just like marriages, go through hard times occasionally, and you may begin to feel less happy with the situation. Maybe you don't feel that your needs are being met anymore, or maybe you don't like how things are going. At that point, it can be tempting to walk away.

But should you walk away?

Now, I know the analogy breaks down. Sometimes, even when you've made a commitment to a church, things in the church change so drastically that it really is best to move on, or you've tried your hardest to make changes and it just isn't happening. I'm not talking about situations like that, though. I'm talking about the general hard times, the times where you don't feel like your needs are being met or you don't like how something is going.

Personally, I feel that if I've made a commitment to a church community, I am with them through thick and thin, and I'm not going anywhere unless I've done everything I can to make it work. Of course, that doesn't mean concerns should be ignored. Just as you would in a marriage, I think it's vital to talk it out within the community and be honest about what's working and what isn't, and then move forward together to try to get to a healthier place for everyone. This obviously implies that the community is honest enough to talk about things that aren't working and that the community is open to change if needed.

What do you think? Have you ever found a church that you feel you could commit to through thick and thin? Or are you still looking? If you're still searching for the right fit, I hope you find it. And once you find it, I hope you will commit to it and do everything you can to make it work. And I hope that within the church as a whole, we can move away from the consumer mindset that asks, "What can the church do for me?" and instead move toward a mindset that asks, "How can I contribute positively to this community?"

Connection

2010-09-08T13:32:00.000-04:00

I have noticed that the times I feel most connected to God are also the times I feel most connected to other people.

Let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another... I have heard this scripture used many times to explain why it is so important for people to go to church. And while I agree that this verse can mean that, I'm not sure that's really the heart of what is being said.

Let's be honest. A person could easily attend church without ever really meeting with any other believers. Sure, they're all in the same room, singing the same songs, listening to the same sermon. But the real question is, are they meeting with each other? Are they connecting, are they conversing, are they sharing their lives, are they encouraging each other and being encouraged?

I think I feel more connected to God when I am more connected to people because God made us this way. We are made to need connection with others, to desire and pursue relationship and community. And that connection, the meeting together that happens within community, that is what should not be neglected.

Does that happen within the confines of the church walls on Sunday morning? Well, sure, it can, and I hope it does. But it happens elsewhere too, whenever we are connecting with each other and pursuing authentic relationships. There is no doubt that a relationship with God is important, but honest relationships with other believers are also vital. Let's be sure we do not neglect one while pursuing the other; they go hand in hand.

Introspective

2010-09-06T22:24:00.003-04:00

I'm settled in on the couch with the laptop and a goal: I will write. I don't know what I will write, but I will write. Not writing regularly is taking its toll on me; I know very well that I process things better and am able to make connections between things when I write, yet I have hardly written a word in months.

I've been in a weird place in my life, not exactly a dark spot, but a quiet one. There has been no flurry of new ideas or new realizations, no burning desire to write passionately about topics that matter to me, no interest in sharing much of myself with the internet world.

In some ways it has been a dark spot, though. I go through seasons of feeling very connected, both to other people and to God, and then I go through seasons of feeling rather disconnected. I have felt alone lately; not often lonely, but alone. Alone with my thoughts and my feelings and my struggles.

Eventually these seasons of quiet introspection give way to seasons of connection, understanding, discovery, growth, and change. The quiet times in between seem to be necessary for me to process the last season of growth and prepare for the next.

So that's where I am now.

Homeschooling Update

2010-08-28T23:53:00.003-04:00

Well, here we are, two weeks into our first year of homeschooling. Many people have asked me how things are going, and all things considered, I think they're going quite well. We've had some ups and downs as we get used to our new schedule, and I've identified some areas that need to be changed so they'll work better for us, but I think that's pretty normal.

I didn't realize how fulfilling this would be for me. Homeschooling is something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I never felt ready until this year (second grade). Now I find myself wishing I had started sooner! I worried that homeschooling would overwhelm me. I asked myself how I would ever manage to get things done if I was also educating my children. But as we've gotten started, I've noticed something so interesting: I actually feel less overwhelmed and I'm getting more accomplished. I think there are a few reasons for this.

I'm one of those people who thrive on staying fairly busy. When I don't have enough to do, I get bored and lazy. I fall into this a lot as a stay-at-home mom, to be honest. I mean, yes, there is obviously a lot to do, but it doesn't provide me the structure I thrive on. I find myself thinking, "I can wash those dishes or clean the bathroom later, so why do it right now?" and I end up not getting everything done. Homeschooling adds more responsibility to my plate and gives more structure to my day, and I find that I'm actually managing my time better and getting a lot more done every day.

Besides that, there's something about educating my children that fulfills me in a way that cleaning and even childcare do not. I love having a clean house, but it makes me want to pull out each of my hairs individually to do the same tasks over and over and over with no end in sight, ever. Dishes, laundry, picking up toys, sweeping, dishes, laundry... But homeschooling feels more purposeful to me; it is not simply a task that I will do over and over in exactly the same way multiple times a day every single day. It changes, it's a process, something is accomplished, we move on, growth is seen.

Plus, I'm a nerd and also a tad bit (okay, a lot) OCD, so I get great satisfaction out of lesson planning and getting things ready for school. It's something I truly enjoy doing.

So I think those things-- doing something structured, purposeful, and enjoyable-- play a part in why I feel less overwhelmed and am getting more accomplished now that I'm homeschooling. The level of fulfillment that I am personally receiving from homeschooling also leaves me feeling more content and confident in general, which is certainly a positive thing.

Have you ever noticed a difference in other areas of your life when you start doing something that is fulfilling to you?

The One Where I Talk About Boobs

2010-08-19T22:05:00.004-04:00

The other day, I heard a statement that made me giggle a little inside, but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. This is nothing against the person who said it; in fact, this was said by a very pro-breastfeeding individual. But what was said was that breastfeeding moms should be discreet about nursing in public and they shouldn't just pop out their boobs where anyone could see them, because, after all, "You wouldn't want someone's eight year old son or a teenager seeing that."

At first, I laughed to myself. I have an eight year old son, and honestly, yeah, he sees me breastfeed every day. And it's no big deal. It's how a woman's breasts were meant to function.

But later that day, our family was in the checkout line at the grocery store, and right there on my eight-year old's eye level was the newest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. And hey, look, there's Jessica Alba on the cover with her boobs nearly falling out of the top of her dress, surrounded by headlines like, "Untamed Va-jay-jays" and "Guy Sex Confessions: 37 Things He Doesn't Have the Balls to Tell You." Oh, did I mention that my eight year old son can read? Yep. He can.

And that's when I got angry. What a double standard! In our culture it's perfectly fine to put adult images and headlines like that right on a child's eye level in the store, but if a woman shows any boob while nursing her baby, people want to shield their eyes or get the woman to cover up or leave the room.

I would rather my son see women nursing their babies in public, breast showing and all, than to walk him through the grocery store and see sexy pictures and headlines about sex confessions and, um, female grooming.

It's no wonder so many people end up being uncomfortable or even grossed out by breastfeeding; what else should we expect when we make it clear from the time our kids are small that breasts in our culture are meant for nothing more than sexual arousal? Our society as a whole-- and this includes children!-- needs to be exposed to breastfeeding as natural and normal, and not something to hide or be ashamed of. For heaven's sake, women are just trying to nourish their babies the way God designed them to be fed. Why should they be expected to hide that? They shouldn't be.

Can breasts be sexual? Well, yeah, but so can mouths, and we don't ask people to hide them when they're eating. Think about it.

The Homeschooling Adventure Begins!

2010-08-09T10:46:00.004-04:00

A few months ago, I attended an informational meeting for parents who were thinking about homeschooling. One of the women said that when you're just getting started with homeschooling, it can be a good idea to start slowly and ease into things rather than starting every single subject on day one. This made a lot of sense to me, and I filed it away to use in August.

Well, now it's August. Today the county schools started; we heard Elijah's old bus drive past the house this morning. I get nervous and excited butterflies in my stomach every time I think about it: I am officially a homeschooler. I already was, but this realization that he would have been sitting in a second grade classroom right now makes me even more aware that we're really doing this.

I'm taking the advice to ease into things. I think after two years of being used to public school and a long summer break, it would be overwhelming to both of us to start out on day one with every subject. We have plenty of time ahead of us; we can take it slow for the first few weeks.

This week we're doing lessons on nutrition. We're reading about fats, protein, carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and the five food groups. We're talking about a balanced diet, and Elijah's making a book with one page for each of the things mentioned above. Next week, we'll start our Sonlight core (this includes history/geography, Bible, reading, and language arts). Later in the month, we'll add our science curriculum (also Sonlight) and math. My goal is to have everything introduced by the first week of September.

I think easing into things gradually will be a good fit for us. I'll let you know how it goes. Let the adventure begin!

The Point of Grace

2010-08-08T22:22:00.002-04:00

Lately I’ve felt distant from God, and, honestly, a little angry. Some of it is righteous anger at the awful things that have been (and are being) done, said, and taught in the name of God. But I haven’t just been angry at the people who do these things; I’ll admit I’ve been feeling a little angry at God too. He surely sees the hurtful things that people do and say in his name, and yet he seems to do nothing about it. If someone attached my name to teachings or actions that I knew were wrong, I’d want to make it clear that I most certainly am not okay with those things. So many Christians twist scripture and use God’s name to justify manipulation, abuse, and teachings that are not true to God’s character. How does God put up with it– and why does he? Doesn’t it break his heart? Doesn’t it anger him?

I don’t have an answer, really. I’m going to assume the answer involves love, mercy, and understanding of a magnitude I cannot even begin to grasp. I’m going to assume that God must have a plan. He sees things I cannot– situations, motivations, consequences, people’s hearts– and he must be working it all out in ways I don’t perceive. The only other option is a God who’s weak, passive, cruel, or non-existent. And my heart tells me that just isn’t true; my heart tells me God is there, and that he is powerful, loving, and good.

But as I think through all of this, I feel God nudging me to consider some hard questions and answer them truthfully…

Yes, there are people who do and say wrong things in the name of God. But what if I’m one of those people and I don’t realize it? After all, it’s not as though I have a flawless understanding of God; perhaps there are things about him that I firmly believe to be true, but they aren’t, and those beliefs influence my actions. If that were the case, would I want God to become angry, lose patience, and disassociate himself from me? Would I want him to punish me and make a public example of me? No. I would want him to patiently work in my heart, show me the areas where I was wrong, and point me in the direction he wants me to go.

So why do I want him to make a big scene when people continually attach his name to things that are not of him? Honestly– and this is a hard truth to realize– I guess it’s because I believe they’re wrong and I’m right, and that they deserve his anger and I don’t. It’s as though I believe that at some point, the transforming love and grace of God are not enough. In the face of lies, oppression, violence, and abuse, love and grace feel too subtle, too weak, not big enough, not powerful enough. (I know this isn’t the case, but I’ll admit that it feels that way sometimes.) I imagine that God does feel angry and heartbroken when his people attach his name to things that are not of him. Yet he chooses to respond in love.

All I can do is ask God to show me how he feels toward those who do wrong things in his name and to help me see them the way he does. Left to my own devices, I become angry and harbor these feelings I didn’t even realize I had, feelings that they don’t deserve his love, mercy, and grace.

They don’t deserve it. But I don’t deserve it either. That’s the point of grace.

Getting Started With Homeschooling

2010-08-06T08:16:00.005-04:00

As I make preparations to begin our first year of homeschooling, I am already learning a few things that I think will make our journey easier.

Don't wait until the last minute. With this being our first year, I was unsure about which curriculum I wanted to use. I looked at several and also considered creating my own. Eventually I decided on a curriculum that really appeals to me-- but it's quite expensive and I had to get creative (see the next paragraph). All things considered, I don't think I could have avoided waiting until the last minute to finally pull it all together. Hopefully by the end of our school year, I'll know from experience what works for us and what doesn't, and I'll be able to make decisions earlier.

Save money when possible. A brand-new curriculum can be pricey, and our budget necessitates that we find frugal ways to get what we need. Over the past few weeks, I've discovered several ways to save money.
-Borrow from a friend. If you know someone who has the curriculum you need, see if you can borrow it from them for the year. A friend offered to let me borrow her second grade curriculum. It was a different curriculum than the one I was looking for, and in the end I decided to find a way to locate the one I really loved, but her curriculum was a close runner-up (and it would have been free for us!).
-Buy used. This is what I ended up doing. I bought different parts of the curriculum from different places. Some things came from a friend at Gentle Christian Mothers, some from VegSource, and some from Homeschool Classifieds. I've also gotten books I need from Paperback Swap and from a local used bookstore. I may end up having to buy a few things new from Amazon, but they are kids' chapter books and they don't cost much. Hopefully next year I'll also be able to take advantage of local used curriculum sales; this year the sales happened before I had decided on a curriculum.
-Use the library. For the books we're going to read over the course of a week or two, the library is a good option, especially if we don't feel any need to add the book to our personal collection. Unfortunately, our library doesn't have many of the books we need, but I can always get an interlibrary loan if necessary.

Don't get too stressed out. One of the great things about homeschooling is that I can choose when to start school. We had originally planned to start on August 9, but because I'm still searching for a couple books we'll need that week, and because the science portion of our curriculum won't be here by then, we may start a little later than that-- and that's okay. I'm also not letting myself get stressed over not having every single book I'll need for the whole year; as long as I have what I need for the first month or two, I can look for the rest as the year progresses. (All I'm missing are kids' chapter books; reading is a huge part of this curriculum!)

Be flexible. The curriculum I chose includes a schedule that tells me exactly what we need to do every day, but I'm free to make modifications if needed (and I'm sure I will). I don't plan to jump in on day one with every single subject; we'll probably spend the first week or two on language arts, reading, and history, then add in math and science (and eventually piano lessons, karate, and Spanish). With this being our first year, I don't want to overwhelm us in the very first week. We can gradually ease into things and still get everything done. There's plenty of time!

So that's what I've learned so far. I'm sure I'll learn lots more as we continue on this journey. If you're experienced in homeschooling, what have you learned?

Lessons I've Learned

2010-08-03T21:33:00.002-04:00

I originally wrote this post over two years ago, but it has been on my mind lately and I wanted to share it.

Families often experience unique circumstances that teach them new lessons about parenting. My son Elijah was diagnosed with developmental delays at the age of three, and although these delays are now in our past, the truths I learned from that experience have become the foundation of my parenting style. These also apply to children who are not developmentally delayed, so I hope other parents will find them helpful.

Listen to your heart. My heart told me that something wasn’t quite right with Elijah, but for a long time my concerns were shrugged off by family, friends, and even professionals as “just a stage.” If you feel strongly that something is not right with your child, you’re probably correct. A parent’s gut feeling should not be ignored. When Elijah was young, I was not very confident in my role as a parent. I worked hard to please the people around me and do what they thought was best, which led to a lot of inconsistency and confusion. If you see that something is not working for your family, listen to your heart, even if everyone else around you is doing things differently. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising children; know your child, know yourself, and do what is most beneficial to everyone involved. Do it confidently—this is your family and your child.

Slow down. I started college when Elijah was three weeks old, and I graduated a month after his diagnosis. While my education is valuable to me, I wish I had spent more time focusing on my son during those years. Since my graduation in 2005, I have intentionally slowed down by becoming a full-time mom. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be at home with him. During this time, I have gotten to know and understand him better, and I have been able to work with him one-on-one. While I do have other interests and goals, right now my highest priority is raising my children. I realize that being a full-time parent may not be the best fit for everyone. This is what slowing down looked like for me, but it may not be what slowing down looks like for you. (Remember to follow your heart!)

Recognize and understand your child’s developmental abilities. This will save you a lot of frustration! Elijah’s developmental delays meant that, for a time, I could not expect age appropriate behavior from him. Chronologically, he was three, but developmentally, he was on the level of a one year old. Even if your child is not developmentally delayed, educate yourself on the behaviors that are expected during each developmental stage. When you know what to expect and why, you are better equipped to respond appropriately.

Punishment is not the same as discipline. When I expected Elijah to behave in ways that did not match up to his developmental ability, I was quick to become frustrated and punish him. One of my biggest regrets is that it took a diagnosis of developmental delays for me to realize that punishment was ineffective; it increased our frustration levels and did nothing to remedy the situation. When I chose to discipline by calmly modeling and teaching appropriate behaviors instead of punishing for inappropriate behaviors, our frustration levels dropped and he responded positively.

Know your child. Know his or her strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, personality and temperament. My children are unique individuals, and my understanding of them equips me to parent them more effectively. I am able to focus on their strengths and interests in order to teach them new skills, and I am more aware of what to expect from them based on their personalities and temperaments.

When you intentionally slow down, get to know your children, and understand where they are developmentally, you will gain a new perspective on their behaviors and your role as parent. Your relationship with your children will blossom as you listen to your heart, grow in confidence, and actively teach them new skills and behaviors. Although I learned many of these lessons while parenting a developmentally delayed child, they can be applied in all families. These lessons changed my perspective on parenting, and I hope you are able to find them helpful or encouraging in some way.

Relationship

2010-07-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

When it comes to things like pregnancy, birth, and parenting, it's important to provide information in a loving and supportive way. But, if at all possible, I also think it's best to do this in the context of relationship.

Now, obviously, for those who blog (like me!) it may not be possible to develop a relationship with everyone who may encounter what we're saying. I'm not suggesting that we should never write about the things that matter to us; I am suggesting that we pursue relationships with people in our real lives. When we do this, we will naturally get to know people whose experiences, circumstances, and choices differ from our own. Understanding issues and choices through the eyes of other people instead of through our own perspective and idealism can go a long way toward helping us approach people in a loving and supportive way (rather than a judgmental or condescending way), both in person and in writing.

When people in our lives make choices that differ from our own, do we attempt to see things through their eyes and understand what's behind the choices they've made, or do we judge them? They're lazy. They care more about their own convenience than what's best for their child. They haven't done any research. They're detached from their kids. Ouch! In the end, are we more committed to our ideals and the issues we're passionate about, or are we more committed to people? Relationship, I think, is the key to loving people more than our pet "issues." And in the context of a true, loving relationship, it is very unlikely that we will simply assume the worst about the other person.

As someone whose choices regarding pregnancy, birth, and parenting have changed drastically from my first child to my second, I can guarantee you that being harshly judged and looked down on by others would never have done anything to change my mind; it would have just hurt my feelings and made me feel bitter. You know what opened my eyes and my heart to other perspectives and choices? Relationships. While my oldest was still quite small, I met and developed relationships with loving, caring people whose choices differed from my own in various ways-- but they didn't try to force their choices on me. They just did their thing with confidence and were willing to talk if I had questions. Some even blogged about their experiences and perspectives, but I never felt judged when I read their posts-- I felt encouraged.

In relationship, we get to know other people and understand where they're coming from, and we let them get to know us and understand where we're coming from. We live life authentically in front of each other, and we all grow and change. It impacts our assumptions, our words, our choices, our understanding. There is so much to be gained from relationships-- and so much to be lost if we overlook their importance.

Love Comes First

2010-07-19T00:00:00.002-04:00

I have really been struggling to write lately. There are so many things I passionately believe in; I love to read and talk and write about things like pregnancy, birth, and parenting. So it only makes sense to do so on my blog.

But some other blog posts and articles I've read recently in various places have given me pause. I've been seeing a lot of well-meaning information, research, and thoughts put out there but expressed in such a condescending or judgmental way. And I find this really frustrating.

I think it's so important for parents to be able to access the information needed to make truly informed decisions, and I believe that many OB/GYNs, pediatricians, and parenting publications often provide only one side of the story while telling us it's all we need to know to be fully informed. And so I definitely believe in getting the "other" information out there. The problem is that it's so often done in a way that feels like guilt-tripping and condescension all wrapped up in a pretty package that says, "I'm just trying to help!" Both "sides" use research to support their claims and use language that make people feel like bad parents if they don't measure up to whatever that particular side is saying about that particular issue.

I can hear people saying now, "But you said yourself that people need to have access to information that will allow them to make truly fully informed choices! If we care about the issues and the parents and the babies, we need to speak up!" And I agree-- but in the context of love and support. Unfortunately, a lot of times it feels like people are bombarded with information and expectations in a way that feels less like love and support and more like piling more and more burdens upon people's backs.

But it's a balance that can be hard to find, especially when it's complicated by the very real situations in which people feel judged even if nothing judgmental was said or intended. So some people end up tiptoeing around, afraid to say anything at all out of fear of unintentionally offending someone, and some people end up saying, "Screw it, I'll just say what I think and people can deal with it!" I don't think either approach is all that helpful, though.

My mind keeps coming back to speaking the truth in love. I think it's okay to share research and information and our own thoughts and experiences, but it's so important to pause and ask ourselves if our motivation is really love. If we're saying it in hopes that other people will see how wrong they've been and how right we are, that isn't very loving. If we're saying it as a way to passively-aggressively comment on other people's choices, that isn't very loving. And I'll be honest enough to admit I have said things in the past with a less-than-loving motive, and I am truly sorry. So often when people are passionate about something, it is easy to start caring more about the issue than about people, and I have definitely been guilty of that before.

So in the midst of all the passion and concern and research and information, let's remember that the people around us are real people with unique circumstances and struggles. Instead of bombarding everyone we know (and even people we don't know) with ideals and "shoulds," let's form relationships with people, get to know their situations, love them, and empathize with them.

Connected

2010-07-07T12:33:00.000-04:00

I lay outside looking up at the night sky. Neighbors were shooting fireworks all around, and as I watched them, I felt a strange sense of connection to other people all over the country who were doing the same thing I was right at that moment. In the midst of all the differences we may have, this was a shared experience.

As the fireworks died down, my attention turned to the stars. I lay there on my back and gazed up at them, thinking of the beauty of creation and marveling at the enormity of it all. Again I felt a sense of connection. How many people all over the world throughout history have done just that? We are not so entirely different, even across time and cultures.

My thoughts went to my friend who was in labor with her first child at that moment. Another connection. We women are connected by this amazing ability to carry, birth, and nourish a new life. We divide ourselves over different opinions and choices, but we have such an awesome thing in common!

People share so many experiences. We have more in common than we realize. We are more connected than we know, but too often we let our differences drive us apart. I have been more conscious of it lately than ever, and I am weary of it.

Temptations and Boundaries

2010-07-03T13:55:00.009-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about weaknesses and temptations. Many people, maybe all people, have their own weakness or temptation that they would almost certainly give in to under the right (or wrong) circumstances. So if you know what your big weakness is, do you take precautions to try to be sure you never reach the point that you cannot resist anymore?

It helps me to think about it in terms of alcohol. (Not my weakness, personally, but it's a familiar enough example that I think it will make sense to most people.) Suppose alcohol was my big temptation, and I found myself all alone in a room with a bottle of it. I still might be able to resist at that point. But suppose I allowed myself to inspect the bottle, touch it, open it. Suddenly it would be much harder to resist. And then if I poured some into a glass? Game over. If that was my weakness, and I let myself go so far as to pour it, could I actually continue to resist taking a sip? No one would ever have to know...

I've heard parents say that in setting boundaries for their children, sometimes they will actually set the boundary a few steps before their kids would ever reach that one thing that drives the parents particularly nuts. For example, you may not mind if your kids run and play loudly in the house, as long as they don't start jumping on the furniture-- but you know your kids well enough to know that once they start running and playing loudly in the house, jumping on the furniture is soon to follow. So rather than setting the boundary right on the edge of the thing you absolutely do not want (no jumping on the furniture), you may decide to set the boundary a few steps back (running and loud play need to happen outside).

But how often do we set these kinds of boundaries for ourselves? If I know what my big temptation or weakness is, do I allow myself to get right to the edge of it and then expect myself to somehow resist? Or do I set the boundary a few steps back, at something that may not seem like that big of a deal, but I know where it could lead me?

I think a lot of times people feel silly setting these kinds of boundaries for themselves because the boundaries seem excessive or ridiculous, especially to other people whose temptations are not the same. You won't go out with friends who are drinking? You won't be alone with the opposite sex? You installed a porn filter on your computer? But sometimes, in order to keep ourselves from reaching that big thing that tempts us, we have to take precautions.

Do you have a temptation or weakness that you're aware of? Have you put boundaries in place to help ensure that you won't reach the point where you can no longer resist?

Just As They Are

2010-06-27T20:26:00.001-04:00

One of the things I love most about our church’s recent transition to meeting in homes is the presence of children. There is something so beautiful and natural about having everyone gathered together, from the youngest to the oldest. Worship was beautiful today; it brought tears to my eyes to hear everyone singing together to just the music of a guitar, and to hear the smaller children making noise too, and to hold my youngest son close while I sang. I think there’s so much good to be said for children experiencing worship and hearing adults talk about and praise God. No, children are not always quiet, and as a mom I do feel a little embarrassed when it’s my kid making noise—but at the same time, children are part of life and I love seeing them accepted into the community just as they are. It’s a picture of life, love, family, worship and discipleship. Beautiful.

Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. –Luke 18:15-17

Memories

2010-06-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

When I was a child, my dad worked third shift in a factory that made brakes. It was hard physical labor, but the money was good and he was able to provide for our family. During the summertime, he often got an extra night off each week, and Thursday nights became ours. I was a night owl just like him, so on Thursday nights after everyone else was settled in for the night, we would go out.

At the time-- I was probably around ten years old-- we had an old Volkswagen Beetle, white with a black convertible top. My dad would start it up (the engine sounded so loud against the silence of the night) and we'd drive. Back then, he considered it nearly a crime to have to pay over a dollar for a gallon of gas, and both the sales tax and the gas prices were cheaper in Georgia. So we'd go to Georgia to fill up the gas tank and bring back a full gas can or two for the other vehicles. Sometimes we'd go to Dalton, and sometimes to Fort Oglethorpe, and while we were there we'd stop at Walmart. We'd look around at stuff we were interested in, taking care to spend extra time in the books and magazines because it was one of our favorite sections, and we always bought a roll of Sweet Tarts as we were leaving the store. They were mostly for me, although I would give him the orange ones because I didn't like them, and sometimes the yellow ones too. They had recently introduced the blue Sweet Tart, and to this day if I taste one I immediately feel like I am back in that Volkswagen with my dad, driving through the night with the wind blowing through my hair.

My dad and I were close throughout my childhood. We had (and still have) similar personalities and senses of humor. Certainly we clashed sometimes; I was always very stubborn and persistent about what I wanted, and often he would say no for one reason or another, so I would do everything in my power to argue, bargain, and convince him to change his mind. (I was rarely successful, although he would smile and say that I'd make a great lawyer one day.) But we had so many good times together and countless wonderful memories. I'm grateful that I had a father who understood the importance of connecting with his children and who set aside time to spend with us one-on-one (and who is now committed to spending time with his grandchildren as well).

Fathers are so important-- yet many, many children are growing up without them. Thankfully, there are people and organizations out there who realize how significant it is for children to have a positive male influence in their lives, and they're doing what they can to be sure that fatherless children have mentors. The Mentoring Project is one such organization; they provide mentors for boys between the ages of seven and fourteen. This weekend, people from our church are coming together to hold a garage sale to raise money for The Mentoring Project. If you are in the area, I hope you'll come check it out. This is for such a good cause.

Sappy But True

2010-06-23T08:24:00.001-04:00

Recently a few friends and I had a conversation about weddings and how something always goes wrong. After giving a couple examples of things that had gone wrong with our wedding, I made the statement that, actually, the only thing that turned out right about my wedding was the husband I ended up with. Of course, such a sappy statement was met with groans-- and I agree, it was sappy, but it was also pretty true.

Our wedding was in turns a comedy of errors and a tragedy. When you're seventeen years old and still in high school, and you're getting married two weeks after you got a positive pregnancy test, the ideas you had about your dream wedding kind of go out the window. I had no engagement ring, and our wedding rings were cheap yellow gold (we replaced them with something more our style a few years later). It was not the beach wedding I had dreamed of; we were at least going to have it outdoors at a local park, but it was moved to my parents' church at the last minute because it was a cold, rainy December day. Despite the fact that this was the church I grew up attending, it was the last place I would've chosen to get married. With very little time to find a dress, I went shopping with my two closest friends and decided on a very pretty dress that I loved and that fit me well-- but it was navy blue, not white. I decided that was fine with me because I was okay with not being "traditional," but looking back, I do wish I'd chosen something that looked more like a wedding dress and less like a dress you'd wear to a high school Christmas dance.

The ceremony itself also included mishaps, some comical and some heartwrenching. Our music, which was on a cassette tape, loudly screeched to a halt when Clark walked out, so my dad and I came up the aisle without music. The tape began working again when we reached the front of the church, and no one knew what to do at that point, so we let it continue to play while we all stood there trying (and failing) to keep straight faces. In the video, you can see me snickering, then becoming serious again, then looking at my best friend and snickering some more. The pastor who did the wedding used the oldest and most traditional vows possible; they included the term, "and thereto I plight thee my troth." (I did request to have that changed at the rehearsal because I had no idea what it meant, and I sure as heck wasn't making a vow I couldn't even comprehend). To wrap it up, our parents had thought it would be nice to surprise us with a special song, so Clark's stepmom got a guy she knew to play his guitar and sing. It was a lovely thought, except for one minor detail-- the song she chose was Creed's "With Arms Wide Open." If you're not familiar with the song, it's about a guy finding out he's about to become a father. We stood at the front of the church awkwardly throughout the entire song, and I cried, trying to pretend it was because I was so happy and not because I was so mortified. (Eventually I did ask her why she chose that song. She'd had no idea what it was about; she just chose it because she knew we liked it. Oops!)

I do have a few good things to say, though. My mom and grandmother worked hard to put the wedding together and decorate the church despite their shock at the situation and the short amount of time we had to plan it. The church was filled with our friends and family members. My best friend was my maid of honor. And our friends put together a lovely reception for us. So no, it really wasn't ALL bad. :-) Still, I'm glad that the wedding was no indication of how our marriage would go. Eight and a half years later, we've worked through some difficult stuff, we've grown in so many ways (individually and as a couple), and I couldn't ask for a better person to spend my life with. The wedding may not have gone the way I would've wanted, but I am so blessed to have my husband.

Thoughts on Strollers and Slings

2010-06-18T06:55:00.001-04:00

Just so we're on the same page here, I do have and occasionally use a stroller. But I still think this cartoon is funny. Slings are no more complicated than strollers; they're just less common in our culture.

I do like our stroller for certain things-- for example, going for a walk on a hot day. Maybe I'm a big wimp, but when it's 90+ degrees outside with insane humidity, I barely want to walk outdoors even without another human being strapped to my body. ;-) I also use our stroller when I'm shopping for clothes because, for me, that's just easier than moving my child in and out of the sling each time I try on clothes.

But overall, when it comes to convenience, I'll just be honest with you... our ring sling wins. It fits easily in my purse along with my other stuff; the stroller takes up the entire back of the van and leaves no room for anything else unless I lay the back seats down. Obviously, safety is a good thing, but the stroller has all sorts of safety features that significantly increase the complication factor; for example, the only way to get our stroller open is to simultaneously hold down a button, twist a thing on the handle, and pull the stroller open. The strap buckles in three different places. The sling, on the other hand: put it on, put the kid in, and adjust the tightness as needed.

Besides the convenience factor, I'm also just not a big fan of using things like bouncy seats, swings, strollers, cribs, pack & plays, and carseats (out of the car) more often than necessary. Don't misunderstand me; I definitely think those things can have their place and can be useful from time to time (and I have made use of them all at one time or another), but I also think it's really easy to over-rely on them to the point of constantly moving the baby from one baby-holding contraption to the next without spending very much time holding the baby in arms, and this can promote parent-child detachment. Slings keep the baby with the parent, where babies are most content, keep the parents' hands free to do other things they need to do, and promote attachment. Neat!

Children and Sin

2010-06-17T07:00:00.000-04:00

Usually I'd back away quickly if a book I was reading started talking about children and sin. Most of the "beat it out of them" parenting methods seem to originate with the idea that children misbehave because they're sinful, and I honestly believe that young children misbehave because of immaturity and where they are developmentally. They still have so much to learn, they're curious, and they have very little impulse control and very short attention spans. Young children need patient guidance and understanding of where they are developmentally, not harsh punishment based on the notion that they are sinful little creatures who need to have the sinful impulses driven out of them.

But tonight, as I was reading Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott, I came across the following sentence in a chapter about her teenage son: "It turns out that all kids have this one tiny inbred glitch: they have their own sin, their own stains, their own will... all of them are wrecked, just like the rest of us." Out of context, or if you aren't familiar with Anne Lamott's writing style, that still may sound a little out there to you. But please bear with me for just a moment, because it got me thinking about something that I think may be really important.

I still think that young children disobey or mess up because of developmental abilities and immaturity. But it's also obvious that sometime between those early years and adulthood, people do develop certain areas where they struggle. I'm not sure when that starts happening, but it does.

Our job as parents is not to try to drive sin out of our children somehow (an impossible task anyway because no matter how old people get, they will never be completely rid of sin), but instead our job is to teach our children what to do when they struggle with it. We can teach them how to recognize areas of weakness in their own lives, and how to make amends when they mess up, and how to look to God for help, and how to do their best and still accept God's grace and forgiveness when they miss the mark. And we can't teach all of this just by telling them; we teach them by living it in front of them daily. They see us struggle with our own sins, and they see us make amends and go to God and accept grace and forgiveness. My oldest child is almost eight, so obviously immaturity is still a factor here, but I do see certain patterns and tendencies in him that I think could be the building blocks of particular struggles he will have in his life. Instead of punishing him for them, I need to help him learn how to deal with those things and also what to do when he does mess up.

I don't know about you, but it makes a huge difference to me to realize that my children are in the same boat as me. They need the same love, grace, and forgiveness along the way that I do. It makes me think of the story in Matthew 18 where a servant owed the king a debt that he could never have repaid, and the king had mercy on him and forgave him the debt-- but then the servant went out and found someone who owed him some money and refused to show him any mercy. The grace and forgiveness and patience that God gives us, we should also give to others, including our children.

I think about all I've gone through, and will go through, in my life-- the habits and temptations and weaknesses and failures, and the lessons I've learned along the way-- and it breaks my heart to realize that my children will have to go through these things too in the context of their own weaknesses and struggles. It's an inevitable part of the human condition; no matter how much I live these things in front of my children, and no matter how much I teach them, I simply cannot spare them from this human journey. They will struggle, they will fail, they will learn about grace and forgiveness in their own relationships with God. I can equip them for their journeys in certain ways, but their unique journeys are theirs to take. I can't do it for them. All I can do is be there to guide them, prepare them, and love them.

Using God

2010-06-16T08:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people follow God out of fear. And sometimes, we follow because of what we think we'll get from him.

Believe me, I could write plenty about the idea that God will give us material blessings if we follow him. Suffice it to say that I don't think that's how God works, and regardless, it's not a great reason for following him. What kind of relationship is it if we're doing things just so we'll get a reward?

No, I want to talk about something that seems so much more innocuous on the surface, something I do all the time and have only recently realized it.

Many times I've written that we cannot change our own hearts by simply changing our outward actions; God is the one who changes hearts, and then true heart changes are naturally reflected in outward actions. And this may be true-- but I've realized that a lot of times I've been guilty of viewing my relationship with God as a means of self-improvement. And maybe that doesn't even sound like such a big deal, but when you're more or less addicted to perfectionism and self-improvement, it is a big deal.

I see where I am weak, I see where I fail, I see where I want to improve, and all my efforts and striving make very little difference in my heart. And so I see that I need to turn to God and stop trying so hard to be righteous on my own-- and that's true-- but then I simply substitute God as my means of self-improvement. If I can't do it on my own, maybe God will do it for me if I just follow him properly.

Do you see how this is not a great thing? On the outside, it looks perfectly reasonable and it sounds spiritual enough, so what could the problem be? But underneath the surface, it's still the wrong motivation for following God.

I'm not saying that God won't change our hearts; I think he does. I'm saying that this should not be our primary focus in pursuing a relationship with him. Suppose God never changes me in the ways I think he should or the ways I wish he would-- would I still follow him? The truth is, even when God does change our hearts, and even when those changes are reflected in our actions, we still are not going to be perfect in this life, because it isn't possible.

So instead of following God in pursuit of that thing we want to get from the relationship or out of fear of punishment, we are free to follow him out of love. It's that simple and that complicated-- simple because it is just that, no strings attached, and complicated because our humanness is constantly telling us there must be more to it and so we are continually tempted to focus on the wrong things.

My Experiences With Fear

2010-06-15T07:00:00.001-04:00

The question about different motivations for following God is a personal one for me. I have spent about ten years moving away from a fear-based motivation for following God, and sometimes I'm still not completely rid of it.

As far as I can tell, my religious upbringing was not too uncommon for my particular area. I remember sitting in church as a young child and hearing our pastor recount time and time again the detailed stories of vivid nightmares he had about hell when he was a teenager. There was the constant reminder that if you died without knowing Jesus, you would "spend eternity in a devil's hell." I can still hear that phrase in my head if I think about it hard enough. At the age of eight, I felt anxious and sick to my stomach about leaving church. I was scared because I'd heard the pastor talk about people who knew they should believe but never took that step, and how they would go to hell if they died. So I thought that because I hadn't said THE prayer yet, but I knew I should, that made me one of those people. What if we got in a car accident when we left church and I died and went to hell? (Another common example used in the sermons I'd heard.) The next Sunday I went to the front of the church to pray.

It's not that I didn't believe in Jesus; I did. And it's not that the people at our church had negative intentions; actually, I believe they had the very best of intentions and were passionately preaching what they believed. But, either way, I ended up following God out of fear of what would happen to me if I didn't.

Starting my relationship with God based on fear had other effects. For years I struggled with feeling like God would punish me or reject me if I wasn't good enough. If I messed up too many times or didn't improve quickly enough, I feared he would punish me somehow. To this day, I still struggle with the deeply rooted fear that if I am not grateful enough or if I don't do things right, God will take away the people or things I love the most. I can't tell you how many times I've had a frustrating day with one of my children, only to lie in bed at night and cry because I'm so scared that God will take them away from me for not appreciating them enough. I know it's not true-- that this isn't how God works-- but that fear is still there in the back of my mind, haunting me at my weakest moments.

Most teens who have grown up with their parents' faith reach a point where they begin to question it all for themselves. This is an important step toward making their beliefs their own rather than simply regurgitating what they've heard all their lives. When I reached that point, though, I was so frustrated with all I had seen and heard that I more or less started over from scratch. Throughout my late teens and early 20s, I reexamined and reassembled my faith, and this time it was truly my own. And one thing I had to work through was whether I should be following God out of fear. As I learned more about God's love and grace, I felt this gentle nudge in my soul that this was it-- this was the point, this was what I hadn't understood before. I mean, I "knew;" I could have talked to you about love and grace, but I didn't really know. In my heart, I didn't get it.

This post has been long enough, so tomorrow I'll talk about the other half of it: following God in hopes of getting certain rewards.

"Turn or Burn" Evangelism

2010-06-14T13:42:00.002-04:00

Last night, as I was working on a post about my experiences with fear-based religious beliefs, I decided to see if I could find a few pictures to illustrate my point. I ended up on a website that sells tracts and I read through several. The spiritual and emotional manipulation and the theological fallacies in them brought up so many thoughts and feelings that I realized they deserved a post of their own.

The last tract I read was a very recent one, published just this year. A guy asks his pastor about hell, and the pastor fumbles around for an answer and tells the guy that hell isn't real and God is too loving to send people there. At some point after this conversation, the guy is in a car accident; his wife is killed and he is in critical condition. He calls his pastor to the hospital, and here is the scene that follows:

He dies a couple hours later, and the doctor says it was a terrible death.

That's only the first half of the tract. In the second half, the pastor is shaken by this whole scene and he talks to a retired pastor, who tells him, "Billions of souls are down there because no one warned them. And billions more are on their way. Their blood is on our hands." Then the retired pastor asks him if he's ready to face judgment, and reminds him that there's "only one way to avoid hell," so the pastor who didn't believe in hell before has a conversion experience.

There's more to it than that, but I'm going to stop here before my head explodes. I felt sick after reading this. Let's begin by assuming that the Dante-inspired interpretation of hell represented here is accurate; if the guy was "dead in the ambulance" and saw it all, why on earth, in the two hours he was alive again, wouldn't he seriously examine his faith? Why would he use his time to call in the pastor and make accusations that it's the pastor's fault he's going to hell?

That was bad enough. But the scene with the retired pastor really bothered me. The last I checked, people were responsible for their own decisions and beliefs, and our role is not to terrify people into believing in Jesus; our role is to show others the love of God. That's what Jesus did. However, those who embrace the theology in this tract would say that scaring people into believing in Jesus is loving, because they're being saved from hell. But that brings up another point. Is the gospel-- the good news-- about escaping hell or about being able to have a relationship with God? About a year ago, I drove past a church that had "Amazing Grace" in its name-- yet under the church's name, the sign read, "Turn or Burn." Is this actually the point? The last scene of this tract basically implies that without having certain beliefs about hell, you do not really have a relationship with Jesus, and that the real reason for turning to God should be to avoid hell. The pastor believed in God and in what Jesus had done, but since he didn't believe in a particular interpretation of hell, his salvation didn't count? That isn't Jesus' message at all!

Having faith in God's love and forgiveness sounds too simple to be true, but it is true. Why do so many Christians insist on making it more complicated and putting burdens on people that they cannot bear? Why add on guilt trips and emotional manipulation? Why terrify people into believing, and then terrify them into scaring other people so they won't have blood on their hands? Where is the love in that? How is this not highly works-based? How is this a loving, Christlike way of interacting with our fellow human beings?

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." -John 13:34-35

Punishments and Rewards

2010-06-11T15:27:00.001-04:00

In my last post, I asked if it matters why we're following God, or if it just matters that we're following him regardless of the reason why. I likened it to my children obeying me; I want them to obey me out of the love and trust in our relationship and not because they're seeking a reward or afraid of being punished.

I want to talk about that a little more. Because children begin forming their understanding of God based on their parents, I think it's important for Christian parents to be aware of what our interactions with our children may be teaching them about God. Believe me, I know that in the short term it can feel awfully tempting to hang rewards and punishments over our children's heads to get them to behave the way we want them to, but is it beneficial to them long-term? Is this how God relates to us? Does he want us to obey him because we're afraid of what he'll do if we disobey? Does he want us to obey him because we're seeking certain blessings? Or does he want us to obey him because of the love and trust in our relationship with him? (More on whether I think God rewards or punishes us based on behavior in another post, but the short answer is: I think he allows us to experience the natural consequences and outcomes of our actions, but that is not the same thing as adding on a punishment or reward.)

Long-term, both in life and in their understanding of God, does it help or hinder our children to tie the value of obedience to obtaining a reward or avoiding punishment? I would submit that at the very least, it's not helpful because it doesn't point them toward an accurate view of how God relates to us and it encourages less-than-great motivations for obedience. Now, obviously we are not God; we are human, and we won't always get it right. God's grace leaves room for our mistakes, but I do think it's a good idea to be cautious about the general parenting and discipline philosophies we embrace. Let's learn about how God responds to us and why he wants us to follow him, and then do our best to intentionally represent this in our interactions with our children.

Does Motivation Matter?

2010-06-10T07:00:00.001-04:00

I've had a couple questions on my mind lately.

First, the personal one: Do you follow God out of fear (and I don't mean respect; I mean actual fear of what will happen if you don't), or because you want to receive the blessings that come from following him, or do you follow him out of love? Or is there some other reason?

Second, the theoretical/theological one: Does a person's motivation for following God matter? To put it another way, does God care why we follow him, or does he just want us to follow him regardless of why we do it?

As a parent, I want my children to obey me because of the love and trust in our relationship, not because they are scared of what I'll do to them if they don't or because they want a reward for obedience. I know some may disagree with this and say that even if a child is obeying because of punishments or rewards, at least they're being obedient. So how does that translate to a person's relationship with God, especially in light of the fact that a child's rudimentary concept of God is formed through the parent-child relationship? I think the "why" really matters, and obeying out of fear or in pursuit of a reward isn't what I want for my children-- not in our relationship, and not in their relationship with God either.

But this isn't a post about parenting, per se; that's just an illustration of the bigger point, which is: do the reasons we follow and obey God matter to him, or is the point to just follow?

My gut tells me that the "why" does matter. When we say the "why" isn't important, I think it can open the doors to tactics like terrifying people with fire-and-brimstone messages or convincing people that following God means they'll receive lots of material blessings. But I also think that regardless of motivation, he will meet us where we are. And then, if we are motivated by fear (or anything other than love, really), maybe through the relationship, God's love will change our motivation. I am reminded of 1 John 4:18: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

What do you think?

Faith

2010-06-08T08:10:00.001-04:00

In the fourth chapter of Romans, Paul continues the discussion about faith, this time focusing on Abraham. He points out that Abraham was the father of both the circumcised and the uncircumcised because it was his faith, not circumcision or works, that justified Abraham before God. To us today that may sound like a no-brainer; of course we know that the state of a man's foreskin doesn't make him righteous. But during Paul's day, the debate over whether believers must be circumcised was a big deal. This was something the Jewish people had done for a long, long time-- but Paul was pointing out to them that it's not outward appearance or actions that count as righteousness.

The circumcision discussion may not challenge our thinking in the same way it would have challenged Paul's audience, but think about this. Western culture focuses heavily on performance, and there are at least segments of Christian culture that focus on outward appearance and rules. In light of this, I wonder if the message that our works are not what justify us before God is just as hard to wrap our minds around as it was for the Jewish people when Paul told them that circumcision did not equal righteousness?

Near the beginning of the chapter, Paul says, "Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due. And to the one who does not work but trusts him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness." How often do we expect that if we just do what we're supposed to do, God will give us the wages we are due? How often do we believe that if we do the right things or act the right way or give enough, we will deserve to be rewarded by God? But really, we "deserve" no such thing on the merit of our own righteousness. Even our "righteous" works are like filthy rags, and it is by God's grace alone that we can have a relationship with him at all. It's a gift, not a right, not something owed to us in exchange for our good works.

I've heard so much talk about doing certain things in order to receive blessings from God. I would submit that perhaps we should stop worrying about what we can "get" from God, stop worrying so much about our own performance, stop focusing on rewards and rules, and instead simply focus on God. Let's build a relationship with him and allow him to transform our hearts, our desires, our actions, our lives. I'll put it this way: What's the point of giving God our filthy rags in hopes that he'll give us even more filthy rags? It's not about giving stuff to God or doing certain things so he'll bless us; it's about giving ourselves, our hearts, to him, surrendering and allowing him to transform us.

When we reduce our relationship with God to a give-and-take in which we receive our due wages for doing the right things, we are missing the point. This is not a transaction; it is about faith and grace and a transforming relationship with our Creator.

Live in the Sunshine

2010-06-07T12:03:00.002-04:00

When I was a teenager, I noticed that there was something about being out in nature that gave me a sense of peace. Being at the ocean especially calmed me; I felt as though my problems were put in perspective by the beauty and enormity of the sea.

I spent many afternoons walking through the woods at local parks, off the main path, breathing in the scent and the peacefulness of the trees, dirt, and creek. I would go to the nearby mountains and imagine what it would have been like to be Lewis and Clark exploring America before all the pavement and power lines, or what it would have been like to be Thoreau, living in the woods. Once, when I was very depressed, my dad insisted that we take a walk; he told me it would help me feel better, and he was right. The sunshine, the breeze, the sky... they were transforming. I remember when I was a child, I would play outside for hours, exploring the nooks and crannies of our backyard and riding my bike as fast as my little legs would pedal, just to feel the wind blowing through my hair, pretending that I was on an important mission.

These memories have come back so vividly as I have begun reading Last Child in the Woods. In our culture with its planned developments, rules of homeowners associations, obsession with indoor entertainment like TV and video games, and parents' fear that their children will be hurt or abducted, children miss out on experiences of nature that were simply a normal way of life for past generations. Nature is good for our minds, bodies, and souls. Spending time in nature brings a sense of calm and peace and can help with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Exploring nature gives children a variety of sensory experiences and a hands-on familiarity with the environment that cannot be gained through mere book knowledge.

I'm only a few chapters into the book so far, so I'll probably write more about it as I continue to read. But for now, I'm thinking about ways to reconnect with a love for nature, especially in the face of fear (my own fear that my children will be hurt and my son's overwhelming fear of dogs). I want to go fishing, camping, and hiking. I want to explore the woods again and spend time near the water. I want my children to experience the wonder of nature in ways that many modern children do not.

"The cure for anything is salt water-- sweat, tears, or the sea." -Isak Dinesen

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not What My Hands Have Done

2010-06-04T07:00:00.001-04:00

In the third chapter of Romans, Paul basically says God is righteous and we're not. Sounds pretty simple, right? But how often do we try to rely on our own righteousness?

The law that was given to the Jews made them very aware when they were missing the mark, and because God has also written his law on our hearts, we too are aware of how incapable we are of righteousness. We all mess up. We can't boast about the things we do and say, because all too often our words and actions reveal just how unrighteous we really are on our own; as Isaiah says, "all our righteous acts are like filthy rags."

It is through faith alone that we enter a relationship with God, and it is through that relationship that God illuminates his law in our hearts. This, in turn, affects our words and actions.

We can't do anything to make ourselves righteous. We can't follow God's law perfectly (whether Torah or what he's written on our hearts). We can't clean ourselves up enough on the outside to transform ourselves on the inside.

But we try. Oh, we try. Sometimes we strive and perform only to fail and berate ourselves for it; at other times we strive and perform and end up looking pretty good on the outside, but on the inside we know something is still not right. Either way, our focus is on our own performance, our own righteousness, and not God. In a culture that is highly individualistic and performance-driven, it is not surprising that so many people struggle with this. It's ingrained in us to focus on ourselves and our own performance rather than on God and his transforming love and grace.

I want to wrap this up with some of the lyrics to a really amazing song by Aaron Keyes. This song brings me to tears whenever I hear it. What a beautiful message.

Not what my hands have done can save my guilty soul,
Not what my toiling flesh has borne can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do can give me peace with God.
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears can bear my awful load.

These guilty hands are raised,
Filthy rags are all I bring,
And I have come to hide beneath your wings.
These holy hands are raised,
Washed in the fountain of your grace,
And now I wear your righteousness.

Van-Schooling?

2010-06-03T08:02:00.004-04:00

I've said before that I think one of the downfalls of blogging is that it's so easy to give people a false impression of yourself by focusing on your brilliant moments and talents and downplaying or entirely ignoring your weaknesses. I try to offer a balance of both on this blog. If you've read my blog for very long at all, you probably know that I have some strong opinions and beliefs about certain things, but that I also tend to doubt myself, hold myself to impossibly high standards, and fear failure.

It will come as no surprise to you, then, that all of these factors are at work right now regarding my decision to homeschool. I believe in homeschooling and that it's going to be a better fit for my son; if I didn't, I wouldn't have made the choice to do it next year.

But alongside my confidence is sheer terror. Can I really do this? Will Elijah learn anything? Can I provide the education he needs? Are we going to fight with each other every day? What if I utterly screw this up? These feelings of fear were exacerbated by the beginning of summer break. Elijah finished up his last day of public school first grade a couple weeks ago, and we're all adjusting to him being home again. I know that may sound odd, but think about it-- he's used to getting up early, being away from home for seven hours a day, and the structure of a school day. He's not used to being home this much, and he's been a bit disappointed by the reality that he's not going to get to do everything he wants to do all of a sudden; he's not allowed to watch TV and play video games all day long, we can't go out for lunch every day like he wishes we could, and so on. It's an adjustment for me and Isaac too as we get used to having Elijah home with us all day again.

I knew not to expect everything to go beautifully during the initial adjustment period; we were all getting used to a different schedule and a different structure to our day. Even so, the first week was especially turbulent, and I found myself wondering many times, "Can I really do this? Can I really homeschool? This is not going all that well, and we're not even homeschooling yet!"

I'm happy to report that things are getting easier now. We're a bit more adjusted, and Elijah's natural inquisitiveness and love for learning are shining through. The other day, as we were running errands in the van, he started asking questions about multiplication, and once he understood the gist of it, he was figuring out simple multiplication problems on his own. He even sat in his room and made himself a "worksheet" of multiplication problems later. Elijah has this love for knowledge that just makes me so proud I could burst. He truly enjoys math and science (just like his dad!), and he's also quite a talented reader with a large vocabulary.

While it's natural to doubt myself sometimes, I'm starting to realize that I don't need to worry so much. Elijah is inquisitive all on his own, and his thirst for more knowledge and understanding will demand that I teach him (and teach him well). Interestingly, most of our educational discussions seem to happen in the van. Perhaps we are van-schoolers rather than homeschoolers. ;-)

Playing while we waited for Clark to get some stuff from the store. Clearly I do not allow my seven year old to drive. ;-)

The Mission of Motherhood

2010-06-02T07:00:00.001-04:00

In May, I read The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. I had been looking forward to reading this book for a long time, especially after hearing so many favorable reviews of it.

The Mission of Motherhood focuses on God's design for mothers and the importance of raising children in a Godly way. Sally Clarkson encourages mothers to be there for their children physically and emotionally, to guide and instruct them, to meet their needs, to create family traditions, and to bring their children up with a deep understanding of God. She encourages mothers to manage their homes well, to inspire creativity and generosity in their children, and to seek guidance from God throughout the highs and lows of mothering. She essentially encourages intentional parenting-- committing to a vision of family and parenting and, with God's help, following through-- rather than flying by the seat of your pants or not really having a vision.

Mothering is an exercise in self-sacrifice, and sometimes it is frustrating and exhausting-- but mothering is so important and so rewarding. In the last chapter of the book, Clarkson reflects on the times when she felt burned out and worn down as a mother, the times when she felt like she was inadequate or a failure. At the time she was reflecting on it, her children were at an age where she was seeing her commitment to her vision for motherhood pay off. Right now I find myself in the first category a lot of times, feeling inadequate and wondering what I've gotten myself into. The last chapter was so encouraging to me because it reminded me to stay committed to my vision for motherhood, and above all, to seek God. I can't do this on my own; you'd think I would've realized that by now, but I keep learning that same lesson over and over in different situations.

Overall, I think it was a pretty good book. There were times that I struggled with what was being said, but I think this is partially because of my own issues. You see, I'm a perfectionist and an idealist, and I am guilty of expecting far too much of myself as a woman and a mother and then becoming very critical of myself when I fail to measure up to my too-high standards. This book does not say that all mothers should do things exactly the same and meet particular standards, but my own issues colored my perception and caused me to be too harsh on myself at times while reading this book. I'll go ahead and warn those who have similar struggles: you may have a hard time with this book in some places, not because of what it's saying but because of how you're perceiving it. It's definitely worth taking the time to read, and I hope to get a chance to read it again someday.

Repentance

2010-06-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

"Do you know what it is to feel the light of love inside you, and all the darkness falls away?" -Dave Matthews Band

In Romans 2, Paul writes that although God gave the law (Torah) to the Jews, he has also written his law on the hearts of those who are not Jews. I love that God has put his law in our hearts. So many people think about the Old Testament law in a negative way-- too strict, impossible to follow perfectly, and not necessary to Christians anyway because of Jesus. I don't entirely agree with that, though. I can think of a few things Jesus said about the law that tell me it is still important-- for example, in Matthew 5 Jesus says that he didn't come to abolish it, but to fulfill it (in other words, live it out fully). At other times Jesus says that things like love for God and your neighbor and treating others the way you would want them to treat you summarize the law and the prophets. So I don't agree that the law is irrelevant post-Jesus. I think it reveals God's heart and desire for his people. There is no longer a need for atonement whenever we do not live it perfectly, though-- Jesus paid this penalty for us, and this gives us the freedom to have a relationship with God and to follow him the best we can while accepting his grace and forgiveness along the way. Paul also points out that it is what is in our hearts that sets us apart for God, not something outward like circumcision. What is important is not what can be physically observed on the outside; God is looking at us inwardly, in our hearts.

Truth be told, I seriously struggle with where my heart is sometimes. I know that I end up straying into places that I should not be, places that are off limits and are not in line with how God desires for me to live. At the beginning of Romans 2, Paul writes, "Do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" And that, I think, gets to the root of my struggle. I know that God is forgiving and patient and has given me grace, so I sometimes make the mistake of not taking these issues very seriously when they come up, when in fact they are serious.

See, what happens is I get to a place where I start thinking I'm doing pretty well and I can handle things from here. But then when I start trying to manage things on my own, I slowly drift away from God. God is still there, willing to shine his light into every corner of my heart, but as I drift away, the darkness becomes more and more pronounced, and the light fades into the distance. It is like seeing a very bright light from far away, and it looks like a tiny speck. But then when I realize just how far I've drifted and begin moving closer again, the light becomes bigger and brighter, and as it shines on all these things I've been hiding, I realize they have to go. Bad habits, thought patterns, attitudes, desires-- they are glaringly obvious. It's hard to let go of the things that have become deeply ingrained, but in order to stay in the light, I must. It's like turning on a bright light in a pitch black room; it hurts as I adjust.

And when I get to that point, I realize that I cannot continue to "presume on the riches of his kindness" and ignore these issues in my heart. His law is written there and he is illuminating it for me. His grace means that the penalty has been paid; it does not mean he is permissively looking the other way. It is meant to bring me to repentance. And so as God's love and kindness bring me to repentance, and I move closer to the light, his light fills me and the darkness fades.

Community

2010-05-31T10:06:00.000-04:00

With the changes that are taking place in our church, it seems like a good time to reflect on the past few years and my thoughts about church and community.

We came to LifePoint Church in 2007, the first time they met at the local movie theater. It just happened to work out that way; we hadn't attended church in months, and prior to that, we had never found a church that felt like a good fit for us. We hoped that we would one day find the right church for us, and at some point I finally decided to turn to the almighty Google. I began searching for a non-denominational church in our area, and I found LifePoint. We read over the website and thought it sounded like something we might be interested in, so we decided to check it out. And what we found there drew us in. God, community, a message of love for God and people-- and not just in words, but in action.

Yesterday, LifePoint met at the movie theater for the last time. Actually, "LifePoint" met for the last time. We're seeking a location that's a better fit for us, and we've also changed our name to one that is a better fit-- The Exchange.

But although we've changed our name and location, the community remains. I've written many times about the church being more than just a building and more than just a Sunday morning gathering-- and that's true!-- but I think it can be easy to forget that when you've become used to the Sunday morning church routine. Suddenly, when the comfort of the familiar Sunday morning service in the familiar location is gone, you are stripped down to the core of community-- God, people, and love. And that can be a really good thing.

I've said it many times, and I'll say it again now. Community is beautiful, and community is messy. There are heartaches and struggles and tears; there is laughter and support and love. There are times of worshiping together and times of mourning together. These are the people we share our lives with, our successes and struggles, our dreams and our disappointments. In the past three years I have seen so many living and breathing examples of the love of Christ. Helping people when they're struggling financially, clothing the needy, feeding the hungry, housing the poor, providing a listening ear, sharing the love of God, growing together on this journey of faith.

So to the people in this amazing community-- I love you, and I cannot wait to see where our journey takes us next.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. -Matthew 22:37-39

Not God

2010-05-28T07:00:00.000-04:00

In the first chapter of Romans, Paul writes that God has revealed himself through his creation, yet people have ended up worshiping the creation rather than the Creator.

I think it's beautiful that God chose to reveal himself through the things he made. He called them good, and they are indeed good-- perhaps because they point to him. It's not hard to get caught up in making false idols of that which is of God-- that which points to him, reveals him, and reflects him-- but is not God.

Oftentimes the things we make idols of are not bad things, they are good things. They reveal something about God, and we see the goodness in them, but we may end up following after those things rather than God himself. And eventually, it's easy to be swept away and led astray because what we've committed our hearts to and set our sights on is not God.

Actually, this reminds me of something I read in the book Jesus for President. I'll share a short excerpt here (emphasis added):

It's the beautiful things that get us. Perhaps the greatest seduction is not the anti-God, but the almost-God. Poisonous fruit can look pretty tasty. That's what is so dangerous about ideas like freedom, peace and justice. They are all seductive qualities, close to the heart of God... Most of the ugliness in the human narrative comes from a distorted quest to possess beauty. Coveting begins with appreciating blessings. Murder begins with a hunger for justice. Lust begins with a recognition of beauty. Gluttony beings when our enjoyment of the delectable gifts of God starts to consume us. Idolatry begins when our seeing a reflection of God in something beautiful leads to our thinking that the beautiful image bearer is worthy of worship.

Suppose you've been reading someone's blog or a book they've written, so you know quite a lot about what they enjoy and appreciate. So you decide you will pursue those same things, you will try to become like them and appreciate the things they appreciate and enjoy the things they enjoy and do the things they do. Then maybe one day, when you're enough like that person, you will meet them and form a relationship.

That's a weird way to approach a relationship, right? Yet I think we do this with God more often than we realize. On the surface there seems to be just a trivial difference between following after the things that are close to God's heart and following after God, but in reality the difference isn't trivial at all! As Christians, we can read through the Bible and see the heart of God revealed over and over. But do we try to pursue the things that are close to God's heart, the good things, the "almost-God," or do we first develop a relationship with him?

Here is the beautiful thing: through relationship with him, our hearts will be changed and we will naturally start living in ways that are close to the heart of God. To try to pursue those things without the relationship, or in hopes of becoming good enough to develop a relationship with him, is backwards.

Maybe this sounds entirely foreign to you, but it's something I've struggled with, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I have seen things that absolutely reflect the heart of God and I've tried to do and be those things-- but without pursuing the relationship above all! I end up trying to do them on my own, and I tell myself that if I can make these things appear in my life, I will be closer to God. In the end it's another kind of legalism and another kind of idolatry. It reminds me of the fruit of the Spirit; you can't make it grow in your life. It is not the fruit of your efforts or the fruit of your good intentions; it is the fruit of a relationship with God.

So when we see things that are good, things that are close to God's heart, God's beautiful creation, the "almost-God," let's remember that these do not stand alone. They are good, they are beautiful, they are meaningful, because they point to him. How tragic it would be to be so close to the Creator only to be sidetracked by following after the things that are close to him-- but are not him.

Romans

2010-05-27T13:40:00.002-04:00

A couple years ago, I read through the book of Luke and wrote about each chapter on my old blog. It took me a while to get through it, but it was something I really enjoyed doing. I think it's time to do something similar, this time with Romans.

I'll go ahead and tell you I happen to love the book of Romans. Each time I read it, it speaks to me in such a profound way. There's so much in there, so I won't be writing about every single point and every single verse; instead, I will do what I did with Luke and write about one or two things that stand out to me as I read through each chapter.

I'll also go ahead and tell you that I'm no theologian. These posts are just going to be about the thoughts, ideas, and questions that come to mind as I read. I hope you'll bear with me through it all and join me as I blog my way through Romans.

What Is Good

2010-05-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

"The perfect is the enemy of the good." -Voltaire

How true this has proven to be in my life. The perfect crouches on my shoulder, disguised to look like an angel, when really it is a demon. The perfect entices me, becomes an idol, a false god, something for which I constantly strive. The perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect house, the perfect life.

Except in perfection, there is no room for grace. If we are capable of being perfect, we have no need for God or a savior. Perfection, then, would be a hollow prize; I could glorify myself and have faith and pride in myself, but I would still be missing something-- something that is more complicated and much more treasured than perfection. God. Love. Forgiveness. Grace. Humility.

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? -Micah 6:8

Chaos and Order

2010-05-20T08:16:00.006-04:00

It's one of those days where I don't know what to write. As always, a lot of things are in my mind, but they're all fragmented bits of thoughts and not fully (or even halfway) developed.

But, ironically, this is one of the reasons I need to write. In the Harry Potter series, Dumbledore pulls memories out of his mind and stores them away so he can come back to revisit them later. And in a sense, this is what writing is for me, a way to extract the thoughts from my head, not only so I can revisit them later, but so they stop rattling around in my mind and distracting me.

You see, when I don't write, all those thoughts and fragments of thoughts whirl around in my head constantly, and I cannot help but focus on them. At times like this, I'm only halfway involved in the present moment; another part of me is lost in my own head trying to make sense of it all, put it all together, or even sort it all out.

I'm one of those people who has trouble sleeping sometimes because I can't stop thinking. When I do finally sleep, often the things on my mind carry over into my dreams.

Sometimes writing helps me disconnect thoughts that I had assumed were connected until I started examining them more closely. At other times writing helps me make connections between thoughts that I hadn't realized were related.

The Torah was written in Hebrew, and from what I understand, ancient Hebrew is actually made up of word pictures, where each letter is a picture, so each word is made up of pictures, and so on. These word pictures help bring more understanding to the ideas being expressed. I've read that when you take into account the word pictures, Genesis 1:1 actually says, "The one who hung on a cross stood in the midst of chaos and brought order."

Now, obviously, I don't place myself anywhere close to the level of God. But I think there's something to be said for the ability of creation to bring order where there was chaos. God, of course, is the Creator, but we are fashioned in his image, so it only makes sense that the Creator would design us to create as well. Naturally, how this looks in our individual lives varies because we all have unique interests and abilities. I think most people would agree that God put a desire to create inside of us, but I think the word pictures mentioned above bring a greater understanding, not just to the Genesis account of creation, but also to the significance of creation, taking what was chaos and bringing order to it.

Writing brings order to the chaos in my head. It is how I create. How do you create?

Why I Fear Failure

2010-05-18T08:54:00.001-04:00

It all began to come together while I was reading a chapter in the book The Mission of Motherhood. This particular chapter was about teaching kids about God, the Bible, morality, and so on. I found myself becoming very uncomfortable with some of the things that were being said. Even things that I'm sure were meant in an innocuous way "sounded" shaming and manipulative to me. Then this passage got me seriously thinking about figuring out what on earth my problem is:

Jesus also taught principles of right and wrong in simple, concrete ways that are easy for children to grasp and apply. His Sermon on the Mount instructions to treat others the same way you want them to treat you (Luke 6:31; Matthews 7:12) has to be one of the main training points of toddlerhood! I can't begin to count how many times I have separated squabbling little ones with gentle but pointed reminders that they should not snatch toys or hit-- because they wouldn't like it if someone did that to them... and "Jesus tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated."

As I read that paragraph, I felt uncomfortable, and I wanted to know why. I know these same words could be said in a shaming tone with the motivation to make the child feel bad or wrong, but I truly don't believe that's how the author meant it. So why was I automatically "hearing" it that way when I read it? This happens for me a lot when it comes to religious stuff aimed at children; I "hear" shame and manipulation where there may be none intended.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks-- the reason why I'm so afraid of failure, the reason I'm so driven to find the "best" choice so I don't mess up, the reason I struggle with stories like the one above.

It's because somewhere along the way-- I don't know where and I don't know why-- in my mind, I began automatically equating failure with disappointing people (or God) and being loved or liked less. And, as you can probably imagine, I also began equating doing the right thing with pleasing people and being loved more or approved of more.

And so even though I honestly do not believe that God loves us less if we mess up, or that he loves us more if we do what he wants, my mind still goes there when I hear stories like the one above. I read that and in my mind what it's saying is, "Jesus tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated-- and you aren't doing that. You aren't doing what Jesus said to do. You've failed, and you're a disappointment. Shame on you." And I balk because I cannot fathom saying that to a child, or an adult, or anyone (but I say it to myself).

It's pretty easy to see how I've ended up in a place where I fear failure or making less than perfect choices, isn't it? No, I don't believe that God loves me less if I fail. But there is something inside me that feels like a failure, like I'm worth less and deserve to be liked or loved less, if I don't do everything just right-- and that I'll be loved more or gain more approval or liked better if I do everything perfectly. Not by God, necessarily, but by myself and by other people.

Where to go from here, I don't know. But I think this has been a step in the right direction. I need to remember that my successes and failures do not determine my worth or how much I'm loved. We all mess up sometimes, every last one of us, and we are loved dearly by God all the same. And if God isn't going to love me less when I mess up, why should I love me less? Why continue to heap shame and guilt upon myself, why continue to pressure myself to be perfect, why continue to be immobilized because I fear failure?

Free Will and Fear of Failure

2010-05-17T07:33:00.007-04:00

I hear that one of the keys to becoming a successful writer is to write. That makes sense to me-- write every day, develop your skills, get some practice, improve. The trouble I always have with this idea is that some days I just don't feel like writing. Maybe I have nothing to say, or maybe I feel like what I have to say is too controversial, or maybe I'm worried about saying it all perfectly and I don't want to post my thoughts for others to read until I feel they're flawless.

The first two reasons are true of me occasionally. There have been plenty of times where I'm itching to write something, but I have no idea what I want to say. And several posts have been sitting in my drafts for quite a while now because I fear that they're too controversial to put out there.

But if I'm being completely honest, the third reason probably rings truest for me most of the time. In my writing, just as in the rest of my life, I want things to be perfect and I hesitate to make a move at all unless I feel that it's flawless.

At church lately, and also in a few conversations, the idea has been discussed that maybe God doesn't have a specific plan laid out for everything in our lives. Maybe there are areas that are left up to us to decide, and God will work through them. Perhaps things like how many children to have, or where to live, or what career to pursue. While I'm sure that God does have a plan for these things for some people, I'm also fairly confident that many times he gives us passions and talents and then wants us to use our free will in conjunction with these to make choices about our lives-- and then he will work through those choices.

I know that some have a hard time grasping that idea. Maybe it sounds slightly blasphemous, as though I'm saying God isn't actually all-powerful. (That's not what I'm saying.) Or perhaps it freaks you out a little because you like the idea of God having it all planned out, and it's stressful to think that maybe sometimes the choices are left up to you. Maybe the idea of this challenges you or your understanding of God in some other way.

Personally, I'm comfortable with the idea because in a way, it takes the pressure off a little. If God has a plan for everything, and I make the wrong choice, I could ruin his plan for my life! It feels very freeing to think that sometimes God wants us to make our own choices and that he will work through them.

So while I don't really struggle with this idea, I do still struggle with wanting to make the "best" choice. Even if God doesn't have a specific plan all laid out for me, I can't help feeling that some choices are going to be better or more logical than others, so there must also be a best choice if I just think it through enough. So I end up spending an insane amount of time examining everything from every angle, trying to figure out what's the very best. After all, I don't want to do anything imperfectly. I want it all figured out, planned out, and flawlessly carried out.

But more and more, I'm starting to think that maybe in a lot of situations, there isn't even a "best" or most logical plan. Maybe sometimes lots of different options will work out equally well-- differently, but equally well-- and I just need to make a choice and go for it. Maybe I'll fail. Maybe it won't be all that I thought it was cracked up to be. And that's okay. (I know that, but it's a hard pill to swallow still, because I fear failure.)

If the key to becoming a successful writer is to write, perhaps the key to living a successful life is to, well, live. Make choices. Try new things. Do something you're afraid to do. Accept that you may fail sometimes. Just live-- even when you don't feel like it, even when you don't think you have anything to do or say, even when you may be coming up against the status quo, and even (maybe especially) when you fear failure.

The Homeschooling Decision, Part 2

2010-05-12T07:50:00.000-04:00

Why homeschool? Well, obviously because I'm trying to turn my children into narrow-minded social outcasts with no interpersonal skills! And also because I think denim jumpers are super sexy, and you know that's the homeschool mom's uniform, right? ;-) (Read the description; it really does say that it's sexy!)

Of course that's not the reason! :-P Yet that's the negative image many people have in their heads when they think of homeschoolers. Here are a few of the real reasons why I've decided to homeschool next year.

Individual, Personal Education: I know my children better than anyone else. I know their strengths and weaknesses. I know how they learn best. I know where they excel and where they struggle. I know their temperaments and personalities. I know their interests. And I am capable of teaching them in ways that fit them best. In a classroom, only a limited amount of that can occur; there are so many children and only one teacher, and it's just not feasible for a teacher to tailor his or her teaching to each and every individual child.

Real Socialization: If you've ever talked to anyone about homeschooling, you know that the socialization issue is one of the hot topics. It seems to me, though, that the public school model of grouping 20+ same-age kids together for 7 hours a day is not representative of real-life socialization. Sure, it's good for kids to hang out with other kids their age-- but it's even better for them to be around all different age groups, from babies on up to the elderly. Homeschooling doesn't mean kids won't spend time with other children their own age, but in most cases it does mean that they'll be exposed to a variety of people. That seems like positive socialization to me! This is how the rest of us live our lives every day, so I'm not sure how this would not prepare kids for real-world interaction. This is real-world interaction.

Learning for Learning's Sake: This is not the fault of public school teachers, so I hope you don't think I'm picking on them. I'm friends with several teachers and I think they're amazing people! Unfortunately, the way the public school system is set up requires so much "teaching to the test." Schools are expected to deliver certain test scores, and when you're trying to cram in all the material needed for the students to score well, you just don't have time to slow down and emphasize the process of learning. Kids are natural learners; they are inquisitive and curious, and they want to know all kinds of things. But after a few years in school, many start to think of learning as a boring chore that you have to sit down and do. When really, life is learning, and it's naturally rewarding if we would just let it happen.

It Feels Natural: I've chosen a certain kind of parenting because I believe in it wholeheartedly. When I view discipline as teaching and guiding my children, and when fostering a healthy attachment is very important, it only seems natural for homeschooling to flow out of that.

Time: I'll be honest, I hate what the public school schedule does to our family. Elijah has to get up way too early, he's gone for several hours, and when he comes home, we have just a few hours to squeeze in family time, homework, dinner, and any other evening activities before bedtime comes along at 8:00. When he's home, we're able to follow a schedule that fits our family better. Schooling can flow naturally into the rhythm of our day, rather than our day being dictated by the school's schedule.

Connection: When Elijah's away from home for 7 hours a day, we start to feel really disconnected from each other, and this shows up in very obvious ways in our relationship. So many people feel frustrated with their kids and think they'd never be able to stand spending all day with them, but I've found that when I'm able to spend more time with Elijah, things are actually much better. We feel connected again, we have time to relax together, we learn together and pursue interests, and our home actually feels much more peaceful. The difference is very noticeable.

So those are just a few of my reasons for wanting to homeschool. I know that these reasons may not resonate with everyone, and that's fine. We all have to follow our hearts and do what's best for our own families. There have been times where I truly don't believe homeschooling would have been the best fit for our family-- but right now, it is, and that's what we're going to do. :-)

The Homeschooling Decision- Part 1

2010-05-11T09:00:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time, I thought homeschooling was weird (and homebirthing, and cloth diapering, and breastfeeding past 12 months old... there's a pattern here!). But several years ago, I found out that one of my favorite college professors and his wife homeschooled their kids, and they seemed like relatively normal people. I became curious, and began looking into it a little more, and what I learned really intrigued me. Elijah was about 3 years old then. That summer I homeschooled him. He was developmentally delayed and we made a huge amount of progress in just a couple months. It was awesome.

After that, though, while I was still interested in homeschooling, I struggled to get much of anywhere with it. Plus Elijah really enjoyed preschool, so we decided to keep him in it. When the time came for him to start kindergarten, I was very pregnant with our second child and knew my limitations well enough to know that homeschooling just wouldn't be a good idea for me that year, so off to kindergarten he went, while I reminded myself that I would reevaluate our schooling decisions each year. First grade rolled around, and he had enjoyed kindergarten, and I still didn't feel up to the task of homeschooling, so he returned to the elementary school for another year.

But during first grade, something changed. It's not that our school experience has been bad; he's learning, making friends, and overall doing quite well. But the public school model of education simply doesn't match up with our beliefs and goals regarding our children's education at this time. There are other things too, which I'll tell you about in the next post. But the point of this post is to say that after years of being interested in homeschooling but not being ready yet for one reason or another, I'm ready now. We've decided to bring Elijah home for second grade. I'm excited to start the journey, and a little nervous too, but I think that's normal. Elijah is also excited. I think this is going to be a great fit for our family. And I promise I won't start wearing denim jumpers or have fifteen more babies. That's just a stereotype, friends. ;-)

In Honor of Mother's Day

2010-05-09T12:35:00.004-04:00

Today, as I'm sure you are aware, is a very special day, a day in which we celebrate mothers. And because I am nearly incapable of being serious and not cracking a joke at some point, I bring you a special song about mothers performed by none other than Mr. T:

Food, Eating Habits, and Weight

2010-05-08T14:00:00.000-04:00

Despite never really being taught how to eat well, make the healthiest possible choices, or stick to reasonable portions, I was small for most of my life. Throughout my childhood I was very skinny, then when I became a teenager and put on more weight than I would've liked (although I was still at a very healthy weight!) I all but stopped eating for a few months. I ate just enough to not arouse too much suspicion, and I lost about 20 pounds, at which point I started eating normally again.

All was well for a few years. And then I had a baby. :-P After Elijah was born, I weighed about 15 pounds more than I had before I'd gotten pregnant. And then I put on more weight because I didn't know how to make the healthiest choices or stick to reasonable portions. I would lose a little, then gain it all back plus some. It doesn't help that I tend to eat out of boredom or stress, or that I crave simple carbs and sugar. When I got pregnant with Isaac, I was at my highest weight ever to that point, which of course got higher as the pregnancy went on. At 9 months pregnant I weighed a full 100 pounds more than I had seven years prior, before I'd married and had children. Yikes!

But since Isaac's birth almost 18 months ago, things have really turned around. I've become more and more committed to eating better and taking care of myself, plus breastfeeding helps because it burns calories. Yay, breastfeeding! ;-) Between the day of Isaac's birth and today, I have lost 62 pounds. Ten of those have been in the last five weeks or so as I've really been working on my eating habits and cutting out the simple carbs I was addicted to.

Sixty-two pounds is a lot, and I'm really proud of it. It's so awesome to look in the mirror and realize that I'm finally looking like myself again. And I feel so much better. But I still have more to lose-- 38 pounds to get to my ultimate goal. I'm confident that I'm going to get there!

So that's the story of my struggle with food and weight, at least the short version. Do you struggle with food and weight too? What are you doing to help yourself in these areas?

Why I Don't Believe in "Crying It Out"

2010-05-05T10:45:00.006-04:00

I understand that letting kids "cry it out" is supported to various degrees in our culture. You don't have to look far to find books and magazine articles and lots of opinions about why it's okay and how to do it. I think that many parents don't know what else to do, and everyone's telling them to let their child cry himself to sleep, and no one ever tells them there are other options. So I'm writing this post, not to criticize people who really do believe in crying it out, but to let people know that there is another way and to encourage parents to listen to their own hearts.

I write this as a parent who has been at the other end of the spectrum in the past. When my seven year old was a baby/toddler, I did leave him to cry it out. I was exhausted and stressed out, and I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't like to do it, but I was afraid that if I didn't, he'd never learn to fall asleep on his own and he'd always be dependent on me at nighttime. (Note: any parenting advice that relies on fear-mongering by using words like always and never is probably not worth your time. As children grow and mature, they develop new abilities and naturally become more independent. Being dependent in a particular area at a young age does not mean a child will always be dependent in that area.)

My nearly-18-month-old son has never been left to cry himself to sleep. We have done what's called "parenting to sleep," which is simply staying with him and helping him fall asleep. Depending on what he's needed at the time, we've held him, rocked him, nursed him, given him a pacifier, hummed songs, gotten in bed next to him, patted his back, and so on. And he is learning, at his own pace and according to his own developmental abilities, to fall asleep on his own. He's still dependent on us at bedtime, and that's okay. He's only eighteen months old; still very, very young in the grand scheme of things! We don't believe in pushing children to be more independent than they are capable of being at any given developmental stage. He's less dependent on us than he used to be, though. I rarely nurse him to sleep anymore; in fact, Clark is usually the one who puts him to bed these days. Isaac is also growing fond of lying down in bed together, where he gets comfortable and goes to sleep without being held, rocked, etc. He's getting more and more independent, and I fully believe that he will learn to fall asleep on his own when he's ready.

I don't believe that leaving a child to cry himself to sleep teaches healthy sleep habits or healthy sleep associations. Bedtime and falling asleep can become associated with loneliness, stress, and even fear. Maybe not for all children, but definitely for some. I want to help my son learn to fall asleep on his own in a gradual, developmentally-appropriate way, without it being associated with stress. You can find all kinds of research on the negative effects of leaving kids to cry it out, and I can vouch for the validity of some of them because I've seen it happen in my oldest son. :-(

I won't lie; sometimes parenting to sleep isn't convenient. But in the end, I feel strongly that I must choose what's best for my child over what's most convenient for me. My heart just will not let me do the "cry it out" method again. The most important lesson I've learned in parenting is to listen to my heart. God gave me mothering instincts for a reason, and I have learned to listen to them over culture or other people's opinions.

In the end, we are each responsible for the decisions we've made regarding our own children-- both the positive and the negative ones. I encourage you to listen to your heart and your God-given parenting instincts. Don't rely on culture or parenting books or magazine articles or other people's opinions (not even mine!) to tell you that you must do [insert parenting method here] with your child or risk ruining him forever. Research, absolutely-- seriously weigh the pros and cons, and take other people's thoughts into consideration. But then decide for yourself what feels right in your heart, and take responsibility for that decision. What I encourage more than anything, for ALL parents, is informed, intentional parenting and following your heart. :)

Worship

2010-05-04T07:40:00.001-04:00

Recently my friend James and I were discussing worship, and we talked about how different people worship and feel close to God in different ways. I think that God communicates with us uniquely; it doesn't look exactly the same for everyone because we are all so different. We have various interests and talents and things that speak to our souls.

I started thinking about what makes me feel closest to God. The biggest thing for me is writing. When I write, when I take all the thoughts that are whirling around in my head and put them on paper, I feel as though I can see life more clearly. It's easier to see solutions to problems, answers to questions, and connections between things I hadn't noticed before. Reading is related to writing, too; when I read books that challenge or inspire me, I write about my thoughts that relate to what I've read. So many times it has felt as though God has led me in certain directions through writing.

Another thing is music. I've always enjoyed listening to music; some songs are so incredibly moving to me. And this isn't just religious music; all kinds of songs have this effect on me. Something about the lyrics and the music, the emotions and experiences they are singing about or that the songs evoke in me, can make me feel so in tune with God. I'm not particularly musically talented myself; I'm a decent singer and I wish I could play guitar. But listening to music is something that can really affect me. Unfortunately, I haven't found a lot of Christian music that does this for me; so much of it seems so cheesy or surface-level that it doesn't affect me deeply. I've been listening to a couple songs by Aaron Keyes lately that are fantastic, though.

Nature helps me feel close to God too. The beauty and intricacy of nature is so amazing. Sunrises and sunsets and mountains and oceans and the moon and the stars and the blue sky and the green grass and the leaves in fall... what an awesome, creative God we have.

And other people. This one may actually deserve to be right up at the top of the list with writing. Conversations with other people, the give and take of thoughts and ideas, everything from the serious stuff to the silly stuff-- God uses these in such a profound way. Many, many times I have talked to friends only to discover that the same things that have been on my mind lately have been on theirs too. We talk and we build relationships and we grow-- not only within ourselves, not only in our friendship, but in our understanding of and relationship with God. This is the beauty of community.

I think this is how God meant for us to be. As we grow in relationship with him, we see him in the things that are most beautiful and dear to us-- things like writing, music, nature, people, and so on. He speaks to us through so many things, and as we become more in tune with him, we hear him. I love that God communicates with us as unique individuals. I love that the interests and talents he's given us can also be worship. It's so amazing.

What about you? What does worship look like for you? Where do you see God most clearly?

Searching for the "Best"

2010-05-03T08:47:00.003-04:00

Last night I had a dream that told me a lot about myself. I'll share some of it here in case it resonates with anyone who reads this.

In the dream, I was sitting around a table with a few people from church, and we were discussing ideas and plans (I can't remember what they were about specifically). A couple of ideas were talked about, then one person started expanding on one particular idea and asking what I thought about it. I was hesitant; I said that I usually don't jump on board with an idea immediately, and I needed time to think about it. Then I said that I would really rather talk about lots of different ideas before we started making plans. If we spent a lot of time on an idea, we might go with it not because it was the best idea but because we invested so much time and energy in it, and we might not get around to considering ideas that would actually be better. Another person agreed and said they'd prefer to work that way too.

And I woke up with this on my mind, wondering if this is at the heart of why I struggle with moving forward sometimes. I am hesitant to fully jump on board; I want time to think it through, and I want to be able to consider all possible options before investing time and energy into one. And this kind of caution is a good thing-- but I wonder if I take it too far, if I spend too much time staying right where I am, immobilized because I'm trying to make sure I've considered all my options and have chosen the right and very best plan. On the other hand, too often I let my emotions get the best of me and I jump on board with a plan, only to jump off board pretty quickly once I start realizing it may not be the best plan.

When I am constantly in search of the best, I often end up stuck and not moving anywhere, afraid of mistakenly making the wrong choice. And I do a lot of thinking and dreaming about different ideas in the process, turning each one over in my head, examining it from every angle, thinking through pros and cons, and possibly driving other people (and myself) a little crazy in the process.

Does anyone else have this struggle, or am I alone here?

So What Happened to the Book Reviews?

2010-04-30T07:39:00.000-04:00

Remember how I was planning to read and blog about one parenting book each month this year? I made it through January and February. Then in March I started Playful Parenting but never finished it... and now it's the end of April and I still haven't finished it! It's a good book with some really awesome ideas and suggestions, but for some reason I just can't get motivated to read the last couple of chapters. Maybe I'll come back to it some other time. There are so many books I want to read that I have a hard time sticking with them all the way through.

I'm going to try to start up my book reviews again in May, and I've actually already started the next book I'm planning to write about: The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. I think it's going to be a good one. :-)

Ten Years From Now

2010-04-29T07:51:00.002-04:00

Yesterday when I thought about what I'd say to my 16-year-old self if I could, I began wondering what I would want to say to my current self 10 years from now. Obviously I'll do a lot of changing between now and then, but I think I know a few things I'd say to me...

------

I know you have lots on your mind and tons of things you want to accomplish, but it's okay to slow down and live in the moment. You have plenty of time ahead of you.

Speaking of living in the moment, that's especially true when it comes to your kids. They'll be teenagers and young adults before you know it. This time with them is so precious.

Be content with where you are in life right now.

You know how you said you'd tell your 16-year-old self that it doesn't matter what other people think, it's okay to be herself, and her value comes from God and not her accomplishments? That's something you still need to remember sometimes. ;-)

Oh, and you know how you feel kind of weird about approaching 30? Just wait 'til you're approaching 40 and your oldest son is almost 18...

There are some things you want desperately that you just can't have. You're causing yourself unnecessary pain by entertaining those ideas.

If it will cost you your self-respect or integrity, don't do it. It's not worth it.

Start reading the books on your shelf that will prepare you for becoming a doula and a childbirth educator. Not being able to pay for the programs right now doesn't mean you can't get started on the reading. You'll be glad you did.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect. It's not possible. Do what you can do, and give yourself grace.

Don't idealize other people and strive to be like them. God made you to be like you, with your personality, your likes and dislikes, your passions, your beliefs, and your circumstances. Remember that quote you love: "It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."

A Letter to My 16-Year-Old Self

2010-04-28T13:14:00.004-04:00

"If you could write a letter to the person you were at 16, what would you say?" This is the question that a friend asked on Facebook today. And I think it's a great question. I had some self-esteem and confidence issues at that age, and I made quite a few poor choices. This is what I would say if I could talk to my 16-year-old self (although I doubt she'd listen because she preferred to learn from her own experiences and not from other people's advice... lol):

It's really okay to just be yourself. If you like or believe something, it doesn't matter what other people think. Just be you. And it's okay to say no. You don't have to do things just because other people want you to.

Go ahead and cut your hair into that pixie cut you've been wanting. It'll save you years of frustrations with your hair, and you will love it. And while I'm giving beauty advice, you might wanna pluck your eyebrows. Otherwise you will look back at pictures and wince. It doesn't hurt that bad.

It may be hard to believe now, but you will not be a childless career woman. And you'll be okay with that.

You are worth more than you think you are. Please choose friendships and relationships with people who truly do value you. This will save you from a lot of pain and regret.

Only a handful of people you're friends with now will be lifelong friends. You already know who they are. :-)

Stop telling yourself you're fat. You aren't. You're the perfect size. Actually, you should probably eat a little more, not less.

You've believed a lot of untrue, hurtful things about yourself. Please do everything you can to get those toxic messages out of your head and try to see yourself for who you really are. You are loved.

Your value comes from God, not from your accomplishments, your talents, whether other people like you, or anything else.

God isn't who you think he is. He isn't waiting around for you to mess up so he can punish you. He isn't keeping a list of everything you do wrong. He doesn't expect you to be perfect. He isn't angry, legalistic, and punitive. That god, the god whose existence you question, doesn't exist-- but God does. And God loves you. He loves you. This bears repeating one more time: He loves you-- just as you are.

Grace: Parents Need It Too

2010-04-27T08:04:00.000-04:00

Lest you think that my last post means I harbor illusions of being a perfect mom, allow me to lay that idea to rest. I'm not perfect, and I'm very well aware of it. Yesterday afternoon, I yelled, slammed a door, yelled some more, said some very hurtful words, and ended up making my 7 year old cry. :-( It was not a stellar parenting moment, and I deeply regret it.

But even the worst parenting moments have lessons in them if you are willing to look for them. There are lessons about making amends, forgiveness, grace, and preventing it from happening again. Even bad parenting moments can be used for good.

On Sunday I talked to Elijah about God's grace and forgiveness when we mess up. Then on Monday, I messed up. Grace and forgiveness are truths that are so much harder to embrace when I am the one in need of them. The truth is, regardless of my beliefs about parenting and my ideals, sometimes I'm going to screw it up. Is that hypocritical? No, I don't think so-- it's human. I'm willing to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm so, so not perfect. And what amazes me, what stuns me every time I'm faced with the reality of it, is that God knows I'm not perfect too-- and he loves me. He forgives me. He extends grace to me. I don't have to be perfect.

Of course, grace and forgiveness in parenting do not do away with the need to make amends and experience consequences. Likewise, God's grace and forgiveness do not mean that I don't need to make amends or that I won't experience consequences. Immediately after my yelling, door-slamming, and harsh words, I realized how very wrong I had been, and I apologized. I hugged my son and sincerely apologized. I explained to him that I had been very angry, and that sometimes I feel like using loud, mean words to show how angry I am-- and I told him that doesn't make it okay. I asked for his forgiveness, and I made a promise to him that I would not say things I don't mean out of anger.

After a moment like this, it's important to examine what led up to it and to look for ways to prevent it from happening again. I seriously doubt I would have flown off the handle if I had not been feeling hungry, tired, and slightly under the weather. I have been reminded to take care of myself and to be aware of those triggers. (Side note: It's also important to remember that children who are hungry, tired, not feeling well, or otherwise stressed are also more likely to act out.) I have also been reminded to use self-calming strategies when I'm feeling angry instead of verbally lashing out. And I've been reminded to stop and listen to that little voice inside of me that's warning me not to do what I'm about to do (just like I had talked to Elijah about listening to his conscience the day before).

So in conclusion, no, I'm not perfect. I'm just like you-- I have some really great moments, and some utterly terrible ones, and plenty in-between as I fumble around at this difficult, rewarding, epic job of parenting. And each day I am unspeakably grateful for God's grace.

Discipline in Action

2010-04-26T07:41:00.001-04:00

As much as I enjoy reading about parenting and discipline ideas and theories, I am even more appreciative of real-life stories that show discipline in action-- aren't you? This is the story of something that happened at our house over the weekend with our 7 year old.

It began on Friday when we looked at Elijah's agenda from school. His teacher had written that he had to "pull a card" (their classroom discipline system) for not cleaning out his desk and not completing his work. We asked him what happened, and he told us he'd had a very messy desk with some unfinished work in it. We took this opportunity to talk to him about the importance of keeping his desk neat so he can keep up with things, and about staying on task and finishing his assignments. We talked together about why he's having trouble staying on task, and we discussed strategies he can use to help himself keep from getting distracted and to get back to work when he realizes he's become distracted.

Until Sunday afternoon, I thought the matter was settled. Actually, I hadn't thought about it anymore. Then when I was in the boys' room putting away a toy, I saw a plastic bag in the closet. The bag was stuffed full of papers and a note from Elijah's teacher was attached. As it turns out, the contents of the bag were all the papers that had been in his desk. A good portion of it was incomplete work. Elijah was in the room, and he saw me calmly remove the bag from the closet, take it to the kitchen, and go back to his room to supervise the room-cleaning.

He seemed nervous. I said nothing about it; I just continued with what we were doing for a few minutes while I thought about how to proceed. As I put away some of Isaac's clothes, I said, "So, tell me about the bag I found in your closet." He began to cry, and he came to me. I let him sit on my lap while he cried, and I asked him why he had put the bag in his closet instead of showing it to me and his dad. He tearfully explained that he had been afraid of getting in trouble.

I told him a story, one he had heard before but that probably would make a lot more sense to him now, about something similar that I had done when I was his age-- I had missed a lot of questions on a paper, my teacher wanted my mom to sign the paper, and I was scared that I would get in trouble so I tried to forge her signature. I told him I had been afraid of getting in trouble just like he had, but that what I had done was wrong. I asked him if he felt like what he did was wrong, and he said yes. So I explained that God gave us a conscience that tells us when we are doing something we shouldn't do, and I asked him if he'd noticed his conscience telling him he was wrong to not finish his work and to hide the papers from us. He said yes, he felt like it was the wrong thing to do.

I told him that I want him to know that he can come to me when he's messed up without being afraid. My job as a parent is not to punish him but to help him learn what to do when he makes mistakes and to help him solve problems when he has them.

Then I talked to him about God and grace. I told him that we all mess up and do things we shouldn't do sometimes, and that God has forgiven us and extends grace to us. I told him that because of that, we're supposed to forgive and give grace to each other. I told him that I forgave him.

Then we talked about what was going to happen from there, because there are consequences to this kind of thing. I told him that he needed to complete all the incomplete work and take it back to school, and that he needed to write a note to his teacher and apologize for not getting his work done. He also was not allowed to play any video games until the work was completed, because work comes before play. He understood, and he sat down and got to work. He completed all the written work and wrote a note to his teacher. I wrote a note to her as well. We also ended up being unable to take a walk on the Greenway that evening because of the time that was spent on the assignments.

Before bed, we talked again about strategies for staying on task and getting back on task, and hopefully he'll remember to use them. He also said he planned to keep his desk neat so he can find everything.

Now, I could have punished him. I could have yelled, shamed him, spanked him, grounded him... but what good would it have done? It would have made him feel bad-- but he already clearly felt the guilt of what he had done and was repentant. Why would I feel the need to pile more guilt and shame on him? Instead we talked about listening to your God-given conscience, admitting when you've messed up, forgiveness, grace, and making things right. Some would say that punishment may have been used to teach him that there are consequences, but he learned about the actual consequences by having to complete the work, write a note of apology, and miss out on things he enjoyed while the work was being completed. Those are real-life consequences! Punishment would not have taught him about strategies for staying on task in the future-- and it certainly would not have taught him that it's safe to come to his parents when he's messed up and to get their guidance in fixing the problem! If we had punished him, it only would have affirmed his worries that he would get in trouble, and he probably would be more likely to try to hide things in the future. I don't want him to be afraid to come to me when he makes mistakes; my job is to guide and teach him through things like this.

This is why I choose discipline over punishment. This is the active teaching that goes into parenting. And not only is Elijah learning important life lessons about staying focused and being honest, he's learning important lessons about God's love, grace, and forgiveness in the face of our human mistakes.

Gardening and Other Outdoorsy Stuff

2010-04-22T00:14:00.000-04:00

'Tis the season to go to the home improvement store at least twice a week for more gardening supplies and plants. ;-)

This is the third summer we've had a garden, and this year we're planting more than we ever have before. The past couple of years we've just had a small garden out front. This year, we've moved our gardening ventures to the backyard and have three raised beds (but we're planning more). So far we've planted tomatoes, roma tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, spinach, lettuce, cabbage, cauliflower, strawberries, cucumbers, zucchini, red bell peppers, and green bell peppers. We're going to plant more soon-- green beans, eggplant, squash, broccoli, corn, kale, sunflowers, carrots, and who knows what else we'll end up planting before it's all said and done.

We also have blackberries growing in our backyard. Yum! Eventually we want to plant blueberry and raspberry bushes, and I'd love to have fruit trees. And chickens. ;-) Basically, I'd be okay with being these people.

There are other outdoorsy projects in the works, such as digging up dirt from the back of the yard for our gardens, and clearing out some of the yard to make it more open. We're also looking into putting up a fence, which will serve two very important functions: keeping neighborhood dogs out, and keeping our toddler from wandering through the carport and into the front yard while we're gardening. :-P

I'll admit when we first bought this house, I didn't love our backyard. But now I'm seeing how much potential it has, and I'm really excited. *happy sigh*

Happy Earth Day. :-)

Sexual Effects of Spanking

2010-04-20T08:12:00.002-04:00

The author of this guest post is being kept anonymous. It's a very personal and sensitive topic, and she did not want her identity to be shared. However, I do want to say that this is not some story I've pulled off the internet by a random person I don't even know. This is the very real experience of someone I know well. I say that because I want you to know that this is a credible story. I hope you'll hear what she has to say.

------

Did you know spanking can have a sexual effect on children even if it wasn't what their parents intended? I know that people who haven't experienced this will probably scoff at it, but it's true. I know it is because it happened to me.

My parents never intended spanking to be sexual in any way. It was a form of discipline to them, and nothing more. In fact, I don't remember being spanked very frequently. I can clearly remember four spankings, but I'm sure there were more I don't recall. Spanking on bare skin didn't happen often as far as I remember, but it did happen and I knew the threat of it was there. I do remember it happening twice, and one of those times was when I was around 10 or 11 years old.

When I was around 8 or 9, I became obsessed with spanking. I would play with my dolls and stuffed animals and make up elaborate stories where they were brutally and methodically punished. I would play with my friends or by myself and spanking was often included. We would hit each other or I would even hit myself.

As I got older, probably by the time I was 10 or 11, the thought of spanking made me have sexual feelings. I didn't realize at the time that it was a sexual feeling, because that was all new to me. All I knew was that when I thought about it, I felt funny, and if touched myself in certain places, it felt good. I didn't know until my mid-teens that this was masturbation, and that masturbation was supposed to be sexual. By then I was so used to it being connected in my mind to the thought of spanking that it seemed weird to think about sexual things.

Once I realized this, I saw that spanking and sexual feelings had become connected to each other in my mind. I worked hard to put a stop to it, but even now I still occasionally struggle if I read about spanking methods or hear about it being threatened. As an adult who is aware of the connection I made, I'm able to quickly stop the feeling and refocus, but as a child I couldn't do that.

A couple years ago I read some articles online about the sexual effects of spanking and that's when I began to understand why the two had become connected in my mind. The buttocks are an erogenous zone and a private area, close to the genitals and sexual nerves. Smacking a child's bottom (especially a naked bottom, but even clothed) can cause some children to make a connection in their minds between the act of spanking and sexual feelings. And it can (and does) happen even if the parent doesn't intend for the spanking to be sexual.

I've learned that this is a much more common effect of spanking than most people realize. It just isn't talked about very much, probably because it's so personal and potentially embarrassing. It needs to be talked about more. Many people don't realize that spanking can have a sexual effect on children because they haven't experienced it and no one has ever told them about it.

But here is the truth: It happens to some kids, regardless of the parent's intention. Many parents may not even realize the effect that spanking is having on their kids. Mine didn't. You have no way of knowing if your child is going to be one of the ones who is affected in this way. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. I know that just because this connection is made with some people, like me, doesn't mean it will happen with all people. But just because the connection isn't made with some people, maybe like you, doesn't mean it won't happen for others. The fact that the potential is there needs to be talked about and parents need to consider it before they decide to spank their children.

Baby Fair: Good and Bad

2010-04-19T08:22:00.002-04:00

Over the weekend, I went to the local Baby Fair with a friend. (This was not, as Elijah supposed, a place where they were selling babies and I could pick the one I wanted.)

It was an interesting experience. On one hand, it was encouraging. A breastfeeding support group and a natural childbirth class led by a local doula were represented, which was awesome. There was even a woman there wearing her baby in a locally-made wrap. It's nice to see things like doulas, babywearing, and support for breastfeeding and natural birth here in our city, and I hope it becomes more and more common.

On the other hand, there were some definite "Whaaaaat?" moments on my part. The first one occurred almost as soon as we walked in the door, at the table set up by our local hospital. Moms-to-be could sign up for a hospital tour and receive a free diaper bag. Fine-- except one of the diaper bags appeared to include formula that said it was "for breastfeeding moms." Wait, what? Isn't giving formula to breastfeeding moms sort of like giving condoms to people who have chosen to remain abstinent? "We know you say you're going to breastfeed, and that's cool... but wait, here's some formula you can use when you decide to give up. Best of luck with that breastfeeding!" Talk about discouraging!

At a pediatrician's table, there were pamphlets about how important and necessary vaccinations are, entitled in a way that would lead you to believe that it was telling you "all you need to know" about vaccinations. As someone who believes strongly in doing some serious research and prayer before putting medications and vaccinations in my body or my child's body, I find this frustrating. A word of advice: do some research on vaccinations, beyond reading a pamphlet given to you by your doctor or written by the vaccine manufacturers. You might be shocked to find out what's in some of them. (For example, some vaccines contain human diploid cells, which originate from human aborted fetal tissue.) Two excellent, in-depth books on vaccinations (both of which I have read) are Vaccinations: A Thoughtful Parent's Guide by Aviva Jill Romm and The Vaccine Guide by Randall Neustaedter. It's a tough decision to make, and I encourage parents to be fully informed.

And at the local health department table, there was a brochure about co-sleeping that stated that room-sharing is safe, but bed-sharing is not. There are certainly safety precautions to be taken when having a baby in bed with you, but to classify all bed-sharing as unsafe is grossly inaccurate. Babies need to be close to their parents, even at night, and bed-sharing is an excellent way to do this.

So in the end, I came away feeling both encouraged and frustrated. It was great to get a chance to talk with other local women who are supportive of natural birth, breastfeeding, and babywearing! But I was also reminded how common it is for breastfeeding to be undermined by formula companies, and for biased information about vaccines and co-sleeping to be put out there as though it is balanced truth. My advice, as always: read, research, ask tough questions, become fully informed, then make your own decision based on research, prayer, and what you feel is best for your family.

Finding Community

2010-04-14T09:20:00.001-04:00

My friend Heather is part of the Brainerd Neighborhood Mission, a group of people in the Brainerd area of Chattanooga who are committed to being the church by loving and serving their community. They meet on Thursday evenings for a couple hours. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to go check it out yet, but I'm hoping to get a chance soon. I think it sounds awesome. :)

On Monday morning, I got on Facebook and saw this update on the Brainerd Neighborhood Mission page:

Jamie and Heather skipped church yesterday to enjoy the weather and work in their yard... and discovered that while we've all been inside talking about planting a neighborhood church, our neighbors have been outside talking over yardwork on Sunday mornings.

That observation really got me thinking, not about what this group is trying to do, but about church and community in general. Often people in the church have a passion for community, so we sit down together and try to plan ways to facilitate community. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing; I'm not suggesting that churches serve no purpose or should be done away with! There are a lot of good things to be said for churches.

But this post reminded me to be aware of the community that's already in place. Who are the people we're trying to reach and connect with? And where are they? What kind of communities are already happening outside the boundaries of "church" as we think of it, and how can we become part of those communities? How can we take the church outside our walls and become part of the communities that are already happening? I've heard lots of church people talk about "meeting people where they are" in a spiritual and emotional sense, but what about physically? Some good can absolutely come from inviting people to join us in church, but a whole lot of good can also come from literally meeting them where they are. I wonder how well the church in general does this?

I'd say most church people know this, but I just want to say it as a reminder to us all (myself included): Real community isn't developed within the church walls (or the building where we meet, if it isn't a traditional church) a few hours a week. Real community is developed through consistent, daily, real-life relationships. Yardwork. Dinners. Playgrounds. The workplace. Game nights. Coffee. Talking about the little things and the big things. Supporting each other and allowing ourselves to be supported when we need it. Real community is so much messier than we ever think it will be, but it's a beautiful thing. So let's get outside our walls (the literal ones and the figurative ones that we've built up around our own lives) and make an impact in our own communities.

Clothes Shopping the Thrifty Way

2010-04-13T08:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went shopping at the Ashley Lauren's Closet sale. If you don't know what that is, basically it's a consignment sale held twice a year for all things children. They have pretty much anything you could think of-- clothes, maternity clothes, bedding, furniture, toys, car seats, and so on. I first started going to the sale three years ago, and I've sold stuff at it a few times too.

Yesterday I went with a mission: to find Isaac some spring/summer clothes, and maybe a couple things for Elijah too. Until I went shopping, Isaac didn't have any shorts, and only a few short-sleeved shirts. Elijah was in better shape, with several short-sleeved shirts and a few pairs of shorts. I did not want to pay more than $2 for any item, if possible. (Just a note on pricing clothes for consignment sales: I suppose that maybe some people are willing to pay eight dollars for a used shirt for a toddler, but I ain't one of them! I think the lower priced clothes tend to sell better, but that's just my opinion. Maybe I'm just ~~cheap~~ thrifty.)

Anyway. Mission accomplished! Isaac ended up with 9 shirts and 7 pairs of shorts, and Elijah got 3 shirts, a pair of shorts, and a pair of overalls:

Total cost? $28.50 for 21 items. That comes out to an average of $1.36 per item. It would have been slightly less, but I did spend more than $2 on Elijah's overalls. He's been wanting overalls for a long time, so when I found some in his size for around $4, I got them. Still a good deal! I'll probably go back today or tomorrow in search of a few more things for Elijah and pajamas and shoes for both boys.

So there's my plug for the day. If you want to get your kids some great, gently used clothes without spending a fortune, go check out Ashley Lauren's Closet. The sale goes on the rest of this week, from 9:00 AM-7:00 PM through Friday. Then on Saturday, from 8:00 AM-2:00 PM, they take 30% off of many of the remaining items. And, as if the savings weren't enough, the money you DO spend goes to local families instead of big companies and retail stores. That's smart shopping! ;)

Homeschooled Kids Are Weird?

2010-04-08T07:52:00.007-04:00

In the past three weeks, I've had three different conversations in which people have talked about how the homeschooled people they know are all weird, awkward, etc.

I find this somewhat puzzling, mostly because I actually think the exact opposite. All the people I know who were homeschooled as children seem to be comfortable with being who they are-- even if who they are is different from the people around them. I think that's a really good thing! Obviously public schooled kids can turn out that way too; it's not an either-or thing. And, of course, there are plenty of public schooled kids who are weird and awkward. ;) I don't think that where a person is educated determines whether they will be confident or weird.

So what do you think?

"No" Is Not a Four-Letter Word

2010-04-06T20:47:00.006-04:00

We all know people who can't seem to say no. Some of us may be those people! Personally, it has only been over the past few years that I've become comfortable with saying no if I don't want to do something or if I just can't. I used to feel guilty and I would say yes even if it wasn't something I had time for or wanted to do.

Sometimes I wonder if some people become people-pleasers who can't say no without feeling tremendous amounts of guilt because we were raised with the expectation that you did not say no to others. How many of us were punished or shamed in one way or another for saying no when we were children?

So many people hear a small child utter the word "no" and automatically assume that the child is being defiant or non-compliant. I actually don't think that's true in most cases. When children are born, they aren't really aware that they are separate beings from their mothers. Over time, though, they realize that not only are they separate beings, but they actually can assert their own thoughts and feelings. Often, for the young toddler, this is seen through experimentation with the word no. Little ones who are learning about no may even say no to things you know they DO like. Why? Not because they're being defiant or non-compliant, but because they are experimenting with this new-found understanding of being their own individual person. I also think it's worth pointing out that a lot of times, a "no" from a little one is not a way of defiantly saying, "I will not;" it is more often a way of expressing, "I don't want to." Those things are very different, in my opinion.

As a parent, my job when my toddler says no is not to punish him or shame him for it. It is to let him express his no, and to teach him how to use no appropriately. Because the truth is, as frustrating as it can be to hear no from a child, children need-- yes, NEED-- to be allowed to use the word and need to be taught how to use it appropriately. There are many, many things that children need to be equipped to say no to. When children are punished and shamed for saying no, they are more susceptible to abuse, peer pressure, and becoming people-pleasers.

So how do you deal with a young child's no? It's helpful to give them choices about things that they really can make choices about. "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green one?" "Do you want an apple or a banana?" and so on. The types of choices you offer can change to be more appropriate for their ages as they grow. Age-appropriate choices help them make decisions for themselves and assert their independence in a positive way. It's also helpful to teach them words for expressing their feelings. If your child is howling "Nooooooo!" maybe you can teach him to recognize what he is really feeling. "You feel disappointed because we have to leave the park. It's hard to stop doing something you enjoy." You could also teach him to use words to express his frustration, disappointment, or anger.

Allowing children to experiment with no, and teaching them to use no appropriately will equip them with the knowledge and confidence to say no when necessary, and that is a good thing. This isn't the same thing as permissively letting a child do whatever he wants, despite what you want him to do. It is the parent's job to set boundaries and to teach children about those boundaries-- but in doing so, we must be sure that we actively teach our children how to set boundaries as well. This is a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives.

Let's not be afraid of the word no. Let's teach our children how to use it appropriately, and let's use it when we need to without feeling guilty. No is an important word!

The Wilderness

2010-04-03T19:11:00.003-04:00

In my last post I said that sometimes I can see clearly where I'm going to end up-- specifically regarding certain experiences and beliefs.

But sometimes, I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to end up. It is this part of the journey-- the unknown, the indecision, the doubts and uncertainty-- that I struggle to embrace. I don't mind the journey as long as I have an idea of my destination, but when I'm wandering in the wilderness, unsure of where I'm going or how long it will take to get there, I often feel so discouraged.

Embracing the Journey

2010-03-25T14:02:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I can see clearly where I'm going to end up. How I'm going to get there may be somewhat unclear from my current vantage point, but I just know, deep down inside, that it's where I'm going to end up. I don't mean stuff like "One day I'm going to be CEO of a huge company. I'm doing nothing to get there, but it'll happen!" No, not like that at all. I'm talking about smaller things, realizations and experiences that I'm working toward but I'm just not there yet.

What I find interesting is that I can see so clearly where I'm headed, but it's impossible for me to just jump to that point. The process of getting there is so necessary. I'm a thinker, and I spend a lot of time in my own head thinking through stuff. Even when I realize where a thought process will eventually lead me, I can't just say, "Okay, then that's what I think." I have to work my way to it, a bit at a time. It's kind of a surreal feeling, to go through things feeling quite sure of my destination but stopping to embrace the journey. Just a few years ago, I never would have been okay with this. But now I am.

Cheap, Easy, and Chemical-Free

2010-03-23T15:54:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, after more months of procrastination than I'm willing to admit, I forced myself to tackle the dreaded chore of cleaning our oven. I try to avoid cleaners that are full of chemicals, if possible, so I searched around for a chemical-free oven cleaning solution. I found one that sounded okay, so I decided to try it and see what happened. "If it doesn't work," I thought, "at least I tried to use something other than heavy-duty oven cleaner that can burn my skin on contact, right?"

I am pleased to report that it worked magnificently. I don't have any before-and-after pictures to show you (and even if I did, I wouldn't show you the before because it was embarrassingly awful), but the oven looks great now. If you're looking for a way to clean your oven, I highly recommend the following:

Remove the oven racks and spray down the offending areas with water. Coat it liberally with baking soda, then spray the baking soda with water until it's wet and pasty. Then just let it sit for a few hours until it dries. We let ours sit for about 5 hours. Once it's dry, scrub it off (with something dry). As the water-baking soda mixtures comes off, so does the nastiness inside the oven. I used a handheld vacuum cleaner to quickly and easily clean up the powdery remains, then I wiped down the inside of the oven with a wet washcloth. Done! Cheap, easy, chemical-free, and effective.

Spring Break

2010-03-22T10:38:00.004-04:00

Elijah's spring break was last week, and I took a break from blogging. We had a fun week together, although it started off with him having the stomach bug that Isaac had a couple weeks ago. We did several fun things-- we met up with a few local families from Gentle Christian Mothers, took a walk at the park with a friend and her daughter, visited another friend's house, took family trips to the Tennessee Aquarium and the Greenway, and got some new fish and a frog for our fish tank.

But while we did some fun things during spring break, that's not what made it so special to me. I really enjoyed getting some time to relax and connect with Elijah. Truth be told, I miss him when he's at school, and school days feel so hectic and busy. It feels like we're all going in different directions, trying to do everything that needs to be done before bedtime, just so we can get up the next day and do it all over again. But during his break, we had plenty of time to relax and talk and just be together as a family.

School started back today. I'm counting down the weeks until summer break.

Perspective

2010-03-10T22:20:00.002-05:00

Isaac has discovered the great outdoors. He points at the front door and says, "Door?" while looking up at me hopefully. Unfortunately, up until recently we haven't been going outside much because it has been so cold and wet. But now that it's warming up, we've been going out a lot more, which he loves.

So yesterday, when he pointed at the door and wanted to go outside, I agreed. "Yes, we'll go outside. Come here so we can put your shoes on." He remained at the door, stretching his arm as far as he could to try to grab the doorknob that is just out of reach. I held up his shoes and gestured encouragingly at the chair where he always sits to put his shoes on. "Isaac, come put on your shoes, and we will go outside." He became a bit hysterical at this point, so I picked him up and put him on the chair so I could put his shoes on his feet. He cried and wiggled and flailed around, desperately wanting to go outside and not understanding that what we were doing in that very moment was a vital step toward that goal. What he saw as a hindrance was actually a necessary preparation. He was so focused on the thing he wanted that he didn't realize that what he was experiencing right then was good; in fact, it seemed bad to him.

And I wondered how often I do the very same thing. How often am I so focused on my end goal that I do not realize that what I'm experiencing in the moment may actually be moving me toward the thing I desire? How often do I misinterpret my circumstances, thinking that they are keeping me from going where I want to go, rather than understanding that they are actually preparing me for it?

Another Benefit of Breastfeeding

2010-03-09T08:01:00.000-05:00

This is another one of those times when I am so grateful for breastfeeding.

A little history: When Elijah was a baby, he only nursed for a few weeks, and I wanted to do things differently with Isaac. So when I was pregnant, I decided I would breastfeed for at least the first year of his life. And I did. Breastfeeding is an excellent source of nutrition and antibodies even past the first year, though, and when he reached his first birthday, it seemed silly for me to quit breastfeeding just because he had hit an arbitrary age. I decided I would let him wean naturally on his own. He loves to eat what the rest of us eat, and he's been eating more and more food lately and nursing less and less.

At least, that was the case until the stomach bug hit last week. His tummy was hurting, and he had other obvious symptoms of a stomach bug. (I'll spare you the details. You're welcome.) And, of course, with all that going on, it's really no surprise that he wasn't too excited about the prospect of eating. He also didn't want to drink much from a cup (we give him water and limited amounts of juice and whole milk in a sippy cup).

But he was interested in nursing, thank goodness, and he nursed a lot during the time he was sick. Although he was pushing away food and drink, he was still able to get the nutrition and hydration he needed. I wondered what I would have done if he hadn't still been nursing. I know you can give kids Pedialyte to drink in situations like that, but what if he had refused it like he was refusing water, juice, and whole milk? I'm just so glad he was still nursing and was able to get what he needed in a way that felt natural and comforting to him.

Thankfully, he seems to be feeling quite a bit better now. He's not completely back to normal, but close. :-)

Curbside Recycling Returns to Cleveland!

2010-03-07T20:04:00.003-05:00

Years ago, our city had a curbside recycling program. Families simply put their recyclables in a blue bin and set it out at the curb alongside their trash cans on trash day. Unfortunately, the program ended in 2002 because of high costs.

Of course, we still have had recycling drop-off centers where people can go and drop off items to be recycled. But the convenience of a curbside pickup program has been missed. I'm sure many people like us have had the desire to recycle but have found it hard to get to the recycling drop-off centers during their open hours.

Recently, though, there was a news article in our local paper about a new curbside recycling business here in town called Green Guys Recycling. Every Saturday morning, they pick up a variety of items: paper, cardboard, glass, batteries, plastics 1-7, aluminum cans, styrofoam, and more. It's very affordable too-- only $15 a month, with savings if you pay for 3, 6, or 12 months at a time. We signed up a few days ago and they came on Saturday morning and picked up our recyclables. I'm really excited to have a curbside recycling service again. If you live in the area, I encourage you to sign up with Green Guys Recycling.

So I Will Comfort You

2010-03-06T13:24:00.003-05:00

This is from the book of Isaiah. It's talking about Jerusalem, but the imagery used here is so beautiful to me, and I wanted to share it:

Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her, all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy, all you who mourn over her;
that you may nurse and be satisfied from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight from her glorious abundance.

For thus says the Lord:
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream;
and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees.
As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.

-Isaiah 66:10-13

Dealing With Disappointment

2010-02-28T20:11:00.004-05:00

You may recall that I decided to read and blog about one parenting book a month in 2010. The book I read in February was Dealing With Disappointment by Elizabeth Crary.

As parents, it is important to teach our children about emotions and to help them learn strategies for dealing with their own emotions. Children need a good "feelings vocabulary," and the book includes a fantastic list of words to describe emotions. There are standards like happy, sad, angry, excited, and disappointed-- but there are also words like elated, pleased, relaxed, generous, irate, worried, jealous, flabbergasted, and so many more. I don't think I did a lot of emotion-labeling with Elijah until he was around three or four years old, but since then it's become so second-nature to me that I've been describing emotions for Isaac since he was a small baby. This makes so much sense to me now. Most parents see the value in giving their children words for everything else in their environment-- animals, household objects, colors, shapes, even textures like smooth, bumpy, and rough-- so it makes sense to teach children to recognize and describe emotions too.

But don't stop there! Children also need to understand the nature of emotions-- how they can change, and that different people may feel different emotions about the same thing. And children need to be taught self-calming tools that they can use when they are upset. (So do some adults!) The book recommends that children have one self-calming strategy for each year of age up until twelve. These range from physical, auditory/verbal, visual, creative, self-comforting, and humor. Some strategies can be used in the moment, while others are preventive measures.

Of course, waiting to introduce a self-calming tool until the moment when a child is upset probably won't help much. How easily do you learn new skills when you are in the midst of feelings like anger or disappointment? It is more helpful to introduce a new self-calming tool when the child is already calm, link it to calm feelings, and practice using it with the child. Then when he's upset, you can remind him of his self-calming tools, and over time he will learn to use them without prompting. I decided to try this with my 15 month old; I started showing him how to take deep breaths in and out and described how calm it made me feel. Toddlers love to imitate, so he began trying to take deep breaths himself. After a few days of practicing this during calm moments, I decided to see if it would help him when he was upset. So one day when he was feeling angry that he couldn't have something he wanted, I said, "Isaac, you're feeling angry because you can't touch that. Let's take some deep calming breaths, ready? Breathe in... and out... in... and out." And you know what? He tried to, and he calmed down. I have to admit, I was pretty impressed!

Obviously the parent's role in all this changes as their children mature. When children are small, parents are their comforters, but over time we progress to teaching children how to deal with their own feelings, then reminding them to use the self-calming tools they have, and finally, as they become teens, back off and let them handle their emotions while offering support if needed.

The book also offers helpful advice to parents on staying calm themselves when kids are upset. (If you're a parent, you know how difficult this can be sometimes!) At the end of the book, there are sections devoted to activities for understanding feelings and tools for coping with feelings. It's a pretty short read-- only 132 pages-- but an excellent resource for parents or teachers who are looking for ways to teach children about emotions and how to handle them.

Beautiful Moments

2010-02-25T12:28:00.004-05:00

Sometimes my toddler becomes very moody and clingy, doesn't want to play, and is nearly impossible to cheer up. At times like this, I've discovered something that helps remedy the situation. After I do this, he's like a completely different child. Agreeable, cheerful, ready to play, laughing and chattering. Plenty of parents don't do this with their toddlers, but I can't imagine not doing it with mine.

No, I'm not talking about any kind of punishment. I'm talking about nursing. I've realized that most of the time when Isaac becomes fussy, clingy, and irritable, it's because he needs something in that moment. Perhaps he's hungry or tired, or maybe he just needs to be in the comfort of his mama's arms. Nursing is a perfect solution; it puts him close to me, in a nurturing place that he has known and taken comfort in his entire life, and provides him with needed nourishment at the same time. After just a few minutes, he feels "right" again.

And I feel right again too. In the busyness of keeping up with a very active and curious little explorer, it's easy to get tired and frustrated. Nursing provides me with a few minutes to relax and quietly cuddle with my little boy, who's growing up so much but is still a baby in so many ways. Obviously we don't nurse as frequently as we once did; he's very interested in eating what the rest of us eat, and he only nurses a couple times a day now. Sometimes he even pushes me away and shakes his head no with a grin when I ask him if he wants to nurse.

But in those moments when we do nurse, it is still such a beautiful time of bonding and nurturing. Most people will agree that nursing is mutually beneficial for moms and babies, but it is also mutually beneficial for moms and toddlers. I feel so blessed to have these times with Isaac.

The Roots of My Addiction

2010-02-23T11:32:00.003-05:00

As an introspective person, it's not enough for me to identify that something isn't right in my life and then work to change it; I also feel the need to examine the reasons behind it. I feel like I cannot find the best solution for a problem if I don't look at what caused the problem to develop in the first place.

So I've been trying to identify the roots of my computer addiction. I feel comfortable calling it that, because it definitely has become an addiction for me. Obviously I need to spend less time online and keep the computer turned off most of the day, but I also need to find healthier ways to address the issues that have driven me to sit around online too much. Here are the reasons I have identified so far.

I crave connection with other people. As an introvert, though, it can seem so much easier at times to simply connect with people online rather than face-to-face. I need to work on building real, personal relationships with other people instead of relying so much on things like Facebook, message boards, and blogs.

I like to keep my mind busy. I often read things online that get me thinking, and I actually fear that spending less time online will cause me to miss out on important thoughts and realizations. Obviously I also like to write, and I fear that I will miss out on opportunities to share thoughts that may be helpful or encouraging to others. I need to remember that there will still be time to read and write-- just while the kids are napping or in bed for the night. And I need to remember that I can still exercise my mind, think and learn about new things, and encourage other people without spending lots of time online.

I get bored. As a stay-at-home mom, obviously part of what I do is spend time playing with my kids. But I don't want to spend all day long playing, nor do I think that it's my job as a mom to orchestrate and be involved in every single thing they do. They need to play independently, but when they are, I get bored sometimes. And so I turn on the computer instead of finding other things to do. I could read a book, work on a project around the house, finally learn to use my sewing machine, or several other things I have been meaning to do but never seem to get around to doing. And of course, I will need to watch carefully to make sure I don't let something else step in to fill the void of computer addiction. This isn't just about turning off the computer; it's about spending more time in the moment with my children and developing closer relationships with them.

Getting online is a great way to procrastinate. Sure, I need to clean the bathroom and do laundry, but logging onto Facebook is much more fun. I've already noticed that when the computer is turned off, I get a lot more done.

So those are the things that I think are at the root of my overuse of the computer. I'm happy to say that since last Friday, I have only been spending time online during Isaac's naptime and after the boys are in bed. :) I've been getting a lot more done around the house, I feel much more peaceful, and of course I have been spending more time simply playing and having fun with the boys. For someone who has never struggled with this, it probably all sounds silly, but the internet just sucks me in even when I intend to only get on "for a minute." It feels good to make these changes!

In Jesus' Name

2010-02-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

Last week, I wrote about the death of Lydia Schatz. Her death has been connected to Michael and Debi Pearl's teachings about child training.

Since then, I've read a few other posts about this horrible situation that have been good food for thought, and I thought I'd share some of the thoughts with you, along with links to the full posts. They are all worth reading, in my opinion.

First, I read a post entitled Spanking in Anger Isn't the Problem. I thought this was a good one because as soon as something like this happens, people are quick to say that it never would have happened if the parents hadn't spanked in anger. However, the author points out that anger is an emotion that quickly burns out, whereas the "whippings" given in this situation continued over the course of a few hours. That would indicate that this wasn't a situation that involved anger. The author goes on to say that many parents believe that their child's salvation is the most important parenting goal. Some parents approach this by teaching their children about Jesus and modeling Christlike behavior, in hopes that their children will decide for themselves to follow Jesus. But others believe that by parenting "correctly," they will pretty much guarantee that their children will become Christians, so they seek out people who will give them methods to see that this happens-- and the Pearls (among others) offer methods that they claim will do this very thing.

Another post I read was Hold 'Em Down, Defeat Totally. The author does a fantastic job of explaining why the Pearls' methods can lead to situations like the death of Lydia Schatz. The Pearls instruct parents to defeat their children totally in discipline situations, and to continue the spanking until the child has surrendered. When you consider that, it's not hard to understand how Lydia's death may have occurred; it appears as though her parents "disciplined" her according to the Pearls' instructions, with the intention of continuing until she surrendered. This news article states that Lydia and her sister "had deep bruising and several whip-like marks on the back, buttocks, and legs. Ramsey said authorities believe this led to a break down of tissue, endangering vital organs."

I also want to share a post written by a woman who knew the Schatz family and was shocked and devastated when she heard what had happened. This post reminded me of the vital importance of love even in the face of such a horrifying situation. It is easy to be angry, and I think it is appropriate to be angry. But even so, let us pray for the parents, the other children in the family, and Michael and Debi Pearl themselves.

I apologize for posting about this again; I know it's a terrible, heartbreaking situation and it hurts to think about it. But I think it's so important to talk about this. Many, many Christians have no idea of the kinds of things that some other Christians instruct parents to do to their children, not only in the name of discipline but in the name of Jesus. And I think people SHOULD know. It would be easy to say, "Well, this is just something that happens on the fringes of society," but the fact that it happens at all means we need to sit up and pay attention. And honestly, I can't help wondering just how close to home this is. Like me, the Pearls are from Tennessee. Additionally, the Pearls are especially popular among Christian homeschoolers (not all of them, of course, but they are definitely well-known-- for good or for bad-- in homeschooling circles). I can't help wondering how many people in my town and the surrounding areas not only know who the Pearls are, but follow them. Families in your hometown could be following the Pearls' methods with their children. Yes, as Christians, we need to be aware of these things. And that is why I've chosen to write about them here in such depth. If you can handle one last link, this post says very well why it is so important to speak out. Here is an excerpt:

Please see how we in our Christian, homeschool circles can be vulnerable to false teachings. Please see how warped theology can warp our actions. This is not to excuse or justify what Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz have done. This is to point out just how much loving parents can be vulnerable, and how imperative it is that the Christian church warn parents about false beliefs and abusive practices such as those taught by Michael and Debi Pearl....

Christian parents are vulnerable, we are vulnerable. These teachings do not reflect the grace of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but ensnare parents and eliminate mercy. This is why the Church must speak out in warning — individuals, pastors, lay leaders, denominations. This is hurting our families and children. We cannot pretend it isn’t happening in our midst anymore.

Just Like Me

2010-02-19T11:55:00.003-05:00

This morning, I read a post that broke my heart. A mom rewrote the Harry Chapin song "Cat's in the Cradle," and titled it "Mom's on the Computer." You can read it here. The point is basically a reminder that your kids are going to see and imitate what you do. The mom spends a lot of time at the computer, focused on things like Facebook, blogging, and Twitter, and lets other important things slide-- like time with her child. In the end, it comes full circle, and the mom wants to spend time with her grown-up son and he's too busy, but he offers to Skype instead.

Now, the original song makes me cry every time I hear it. But this post absolutely broke my heart. Because the truth is, I spend too much time on the computer. I know I do. Who knows how many times I've chosen to sit at the computer writing a blog post or playing around on Facebook, while I put my kids off and tell them, "Wait just a minute, I'll be done soon." And I am already seeing the fruits of this; my 7 year old would be happy to spend every waking hour in front of the television or a video game if I'd let him, and recently my 15 month old has even started pointing at the television and trying to say "TV." Something has to change.

I think people, perhaps women especially, are wired to crave connection with other people. Modern culture doesn't lend itself to that easily, so instead of spending time with other people, many of us tend to get online to connect. When I was a child, my mom spent a lot of time talking to her friends on the phone. She was trying to fulfill that need to connect with other people, and now I am staying home with my kids and using the internet to do the same thing.

Now, I know someone is reading this and thinking that I'm about to say the internet and social media are evil, and that women should focus solely on their children. Well, that's not what I'm saying. While parents should obviously spend time with their children and give them plenty of attention, it would be unhealthy for a parent to spend 100 percent of her time and energy focused on her children. The need to connect with other people is real, and while the internet and social media can definitely be used as tools to meet this need, they can also easily be overused. Balance is needed.

The post I read this morning reminded me how much more important it is to spend time with my children than to write a blog post or check Facebook. I need balance in my life. If the kids are at home and awake, I have no business sitting around on the computer. I need to be spending time with them, building a better connection and a closer relationship. (Yes, I see the irony in writing a blog post about this-- but for the record, my 7 year old is at school, and my 15 month old is taking a nap.)

I need balance. Our whole family needs balance. Computers and television and video games can be useful and fun, but they've been given too high a priority in our lives. And I'm done. If the kids are here and awake, the computer's off. I can't do it anymore, and I won't do it anymore. It's time to break the cycle. I don't want my children to feel like anything is more important than they are, especially not the computer, and I don't want them to grow up and be just like me.

My Kitchen Talent, Or Why This is Not a Food Blog

2010-02-18T20:21:00.002-05:00

When it comes to cooking, I have a spectacular talent: I am amazing at picking out the world's worst recipes. I choose new recipes to try based on a few things. I want something that isn't going to cost a lot of money, that is fairly easy to prepare, and that has ingredients I've heard of. Plenty of recipes fit this description, yet I always seem to pick ones that just don't turn out well. My husband, on the other hand, has a knack for picking great ones. I don't know how he does it.

I'm trying to go vegetarian again, and tonight's recipe was chickpea curry. I'll admit that I was hoping it would turn out great; I wanted to blog about it. Unfortunately, this blog is probably not destined to be a vegetarian-foodie blog. Sigh. At least I never claimed to be something I'm not. ;)