Assertiveness: Saying No and Being Heard

Being assertive is often a struggle for me. Like many people, I tend to lean toward passiveness or aggression, depending on the situation and how I'm feeling in the moment. The ability to be assertive is important, though, and it is especially important as a parent. Assertive parents are able to set clear, firm limits respectfully- and they are able to teach their children to do the same. Passivity and aggression do not achieve this goal.

Passivity

We've all heard passive parents interacting with their children. Most of us have probably been those passive parents at times. I know I have. In my experience, I often confuse being nice, gentle, and respectful with being passive- but these are not the same! When a person is passive, they are trying to please others and make everyone happy. In parenting, that often translates into being unclear, indirect, and powerless. Passivity in parenting looks like this:
- Asking a child to accomplish a vague task (rather than being specific). For example, "Be polite" or "Try to be nice."
- Asking questions about the child's behavior that do not communicate what you want the child to do. "Was that nice?" or "Is that what you are supposed to do?"
- Not following through on consequences. "If you do that one more time..." and then a few minutes later, "I'm warning you, if you do that again..."
- Giving power to the child. Asking questions like, "Are you ready for your bath?" instead of saying, "It's bathtime." Asking the child this question gives the child the power to say no.
- Blaming the child for your anger and actions. "Don't make me send you to time-out." "You are driving me crazy."
- Giving children choices when none exist. "Can you get in the car and put your seatbelt on?"
- Ignoring a conflict in hopes that it will magically resolve itself.

As you can probably imagine, communicating with children in a passive way is not very effective, results in a lot of frustration for both parent and child, and teaches children by example to be timid in setting boundaries and to let people walk all over them.

Aggression

When people are aggressive, they are trying to win by making other people do what they want. Again, we have all seen plenty of examples of parents interacting with their children aggressively, and again, I have been guilty of this. Here are some of the characteristics of aggressive parenting:

- Making "you" statements that focus on the other person rather than the actual problem. "You are so rude."
- Speaking for others and wrongly describing their viewpoints. "You just want to get your way." "You're just making excuses."
- Using words like always and never. "You always make a mess." "You never listen."
- Viewing others as attacking you. "Don't you talk to me that way."
- Using empty, punitive threats. "Don't make me do something I'll regret."
- Imposing overly severe consequences. "No video games for a month."
- Physically responding out of anger by jerking or grabbing the child's arm, threatening to hit, or actually hitting/spanking.

Obviously, when parents model aggression in the face of conflict, they teach their children to respond to conflict aggressively as well. They also teach that it is appropriate to use physical force or disrespectful, shaming words to get others to do what you want.

The Passive-Aggressive Combination

Many parents, myself included, have been guilty of swinging from passivity to aggression. They start off saying things like, "Come on, honey, are you ready to go?" This is passive because they are not clearly stating that it is time to go and they make it sound as though the child has a choice. Then, when the child is not ready to leave and continues playing or says no in response to the question, the parent swings to aggression and says things like, "You get your jacket on right now or we won't come back to your friend's house to play again!" It would be so much easier to just be assertive, saying, "It is time to go home now. Say goodbye to your friend and put on your jacket."

Assertiveness

Parents who are assertive are clear about what they want done, and they set firm boundaries. They do not passively give their power away, nor do they inappropriately use their power to strongarm their children. They are straightforward and focus on what they want to happen. Assertive parents do things like:
- State wants and needs clearly and simply. "Put your dishes in the sink."
- Match nonverbal communication to verbal communication. Children read our facial expression, tone of voice, and gestures. We need to nonverbally communicate assertiveness rather than passivity or aggression.
- Give children choices only when they really have choices. Rather than saying "Are you ready to go?" (which implies that the child has a choice in the matter), say "It is time to go, so put your shoes on."
- Give commands that contain usable, helpful information. Saying, "Was that nice?" doesn't tell a child much of anything that is actually useful. Be specific. "Hitting hurts. You may not hit. If someone pushes you, say, 'Stop! I don't like being pushed.'"
- Own and express feelings. "I feel angry when you interrupt me."
- Show respect for the child and enforce rules without teasing, embarrassing, or bullying. It is not assertive to say things like, "Why did you do that? Is that how we treat people?" Just be clear and respectful.

When parents consistently model assertiveness for their children, they will teach their children to be assertive with other people, rather than passive or aggressive. We all want our children to grow up with the ability and confidence to set firm boundaries and clearly interact with others. We do not want our children to grow up to be passive people-pleasers or aggressive bullies. At the end of the fourth chapter of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, Becky Bailey says:

Assertiveness is the main skill you will use to set limits for your children. Assertiveness is a very powerful skill that lets you set boundaries with others, and helps you teach your children to set boundaries. These boundaries model and teach the value of respect. In order to be assertive, you must use your Power of Attention, focusing first on what you want, and then expressing your desires in a forthright manner. In a family, in a community, in a democracy, each person must learn to be assertive and stand up for his or her own rights without trampling on the rights of others.

Discipline Skills in Action

Before we focus on each of the seven basic discipline skills individually, let's take a brief look at how these skills might come together during a discipline encounter. There are two types of discipline encounters: compliance situations in which you have a need, and teaching encounters in which your child has a need. Each of these situations will generally proceed through four stages and will require the use of the basic discipline skills. Remember, this is just the basic framework of a discipline encounter; I am not going to give a bunch of details and examples. These skills were discussed in the previous post and will also be discussed in-depth over the next couple of weeks. For a more complete explanation, please read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.

Compliance: A Parent's Need

1) You want your child to do something he isn't doing, or his behavior is inappropriate. Use the "powers for self-control" to regain composure if you are frustrated, then focus on what you want to happen and remind yourself that while you cannot "make" him behave, you can help him choose to cooperate. With that in mind, proceed calmly.

2) You set a limit and your child responds. Use assertiveness and/or choices to specify options that are and are not acceptable. Your child will then respond by either complying, resisting, or throwing a fit.

3) You react to your child's response. If he has complied, use encouragement. If he resists, assign positive intent. If he throws a fit, empathize.

4) Results. Encourage him if he complies, and utilize consequences if he is still resistant.

Teaching Conflict Resolution: Responding to Your Child's Need

1) He either wants something he doesn't have or wants others to act differently than they are. His frustration may show in behaviors like fighting, whining, complaining, or fussiness.

2) You turn the situation into a teaching moment. Use empathy and positive intent to transform his resistance and frustration into cooperation. Then it will be possible to move from his concrete demands to his actual needs. (Needs and wants are not the same, after all!) He will react in one of three ways:
- He may be willing to learn a new skill or problem-solving strategy
- He may resist your attempts to create a teaching moment
- He may pretend to cooperate to appease you, but he won't really follow through

3) You react to his response. Show him very specifically how he can get his needs met by using the skills of assertiveness and choices. Encourage him if he follows through. If he is resistant, provide a cooling-off period, then try again. If he is only pretending to cooperate, trust is lacking in the relationship and it is necessary to use the power of unity to strengthen it.

4) Your child's response. He responds to your teaching by learning and beginning to use a new skill, or he resists. Use consequences if he is unmotivated to use the new skill.

Getting Started on the Journey

I'll wrap this up with a quote from Becky Bailey:

The process of learning to discipline children with love is a journey. It involves letting go of old habits and being willing to risk a different world view. At the outset of this process, you must become aware of what you have been doing and honestly assess the effectiveness of your approach. Then you will need to diligently practice these new skills, forgive yourself when you fail, and celebrate your every success. This journey will greatly enhance your relationships and your life. The journey will take you from being controlled by others to self-control, and from shaming to teaching. It will take you from perfectionism to acceptance, and from resentment to forgiveness. Your personal journey from fear to love will change your life, and in the process, will change your children.

In the next post, we will discuss assertiveness. I hope you'll join me on the journey. :-)

Basic Discipline Skills

Being able to effectively discipline children requires certain basic skills. Most parents use tools like time out, removal or earning of privileges, and reasoning; some include spanking. On the surface, this looks like a variety of tools, but with the exception of reasoning, these all use the same technique: imposing consequences. While this teaches children to act a certain way to gain something or to avoid a loss, it does not teach them the specifics of what to do differently. Additionally, instead of using reasoning as a genuine problem-solving attempt, parents often use it to interrogate their child with the intention of making the child feel guilty.

It is necessary to develop discipline skills that will help you teach your children how to behave properly. Punitive, fear-based methods simply do not do that. This is where Becky Bailey's "Seven Basic Discipline Skills" come in. Each skill corresponds with one of the "Seven Powers for Self Control" (italicized in the following paragraphs) and teaches a particular value. I will summarize them very briefly here; each has its own chapter dedicated to it later on, so I will not linger too long on the particulars.

Composure: Parents need to live the values they want their children to develop. Therefore, it is vital that parents take responsibility for their own emotions and stay in control of their emotions. It goes back to perception; no one can make you angry without your permission. This makes it possible to stay composed and to be proactive, and it teaches the value of integrity. Because composure is actually a vital part of each of the other discipline skills, it does not get a chapter of its own.

Assertiveness: This relates to the Power of Attention; focus on what you want. Do not be passive (for example, pleading "Please stop jumping on the couch" over and over and never doing anything to actually stop it) or aggressive (yelling "Stop jumping or else!"). An assertive parent would say something like, "If you want to jump, go outside." If the child continued to jump on the couch, the parent would assist the child off the couch and point him out the door, showing him what she wants him to do. Unlike the passive and aggressive approaches, being assertive teaches respect; kids will learn how to respect limits, and from your example they will also learn how to set limits respectfully (without denigrating themselves or others).

Making Choices: Many parents use this as another way to manipulate, giving false "choices" like, "You can either clean your room or lose TV for a week." A true choice is structured to help your child learn to use free will and develop responsibility. For example, "It's time to clean your room. You can put the dirty clothes in the basket first, or you can put away your blocks first. Which do you choose?" You are structuring the choice so your child can make a true choice and the necessary work can get done. So much better than threatening, isn't it?

Encouragement: Rather than doling out empty, meaningless praise ("Good boy!") or rewards like money and privileges, give detailed praise that focuses on what has been accomplished and that calls attention to the child's contributions to the family. This corresponds to unity, and leads to children who will do things because they are helpful, contributing members of the family (instead of children who do things to gain approval or rewards). It also teaches the value of interdependence.

Attributing Positive Intent: Becky Bailey writes, "Your approach to your children's mistakes will shape how they approach mistakes for the rest of their lives. If you blame or accuse your child (by attributing negative motives to misbehavior), you teach him that his mistakes mean that he is bad. Alternatively, you can teach your child that mistakes are just that, mistakes. The skill of positive intent emerges from the Power of Love, which reminds us to see the best in one another. It also teaches that what you offer to others, you strengthen within yourself. Therefore, as you teach your children, 'To err is human, to forgive divine,' you will also learn to view your own mistakes more lovingly. As you attribute positive intent to others, you model for your children the value of cooperation. You are teaching them that negativity breeds resistance and optimism yields cooperation."

Empathy: It's important to combine empathy with the Power of Acceptance; "this moment is as it is." Empathy does not mean giving in to a child's disappointment over the reality of a situation (for example, having to stop what he's doing and go to bed). When you are truly empathizing, you listen to your child without attempting to change his feelings. This teaches compassion.

Consequences: It is important to remember that every conflict is an opportunity to teach, and consequences should be used for that specific purpose. This is related to intention. If consequences are used to instill fear, they punish. But if they are used in a spirit of love, they teach responsibility.

There is more to chapter three, but I think this is quite enough for now. I'll finish chapter three in the next post, where we'll talk about how to bring all these skills together in a discipline encounter, then we will revisit these basic discipline skills one at a time and really flesh them out.

Self-Control

I know some people would read chapter 2 of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and misconstrue its advice as impractical or permissive. If understood and applied as intended, though, this chapter offers very practical, properly-boundaried ways of gaining self-control. It cannot possibly be permissive, because permissiveness involves ignoring issues, and this chapter is about being in control of yourself so you can appropriately and lovingly respond to issues. Think about it; if you are aware of your own thoughts and feelings, you are capable of being in control of yourself and being self-disciplined. Then you can effectively discipline children, because you will be teaching what you know. As we discussed in chapter one, you cannot teach what you do not know. Self-control is very important, not just in our relationships with our children, but in our relationships with other people. In this chapter, Becky Bailey discusses what she calls "The Seven Powers for Self-Control." I will give a brief summary of each of them here.

Attention: What You Focus On, You Get More Of

So many of us (myself included) are guilty of focusing on what we do not want in a given situation rather than focusing on what we do want. This shift in focus can make all the difference in a situation. While adults are able to make a connection between a spoken "Don't do this" and the unspoken "Do this instead," young children (under about the age of five or six) are not cognitively capable of this yet. Many of us say things like "You've made a huge mess, just look at your bedroom!" or"Don't hit your brother!" In those examples, we are focused on the problem, not on finding a solution. Instead, it's best to focus on the specific action you want your child to take. For example, "It's time to clean up your room. Start by putting the blocks away," or "Use words to get your brother's attention. Say, 'I want to play with you.'" If you're upset, chances are your focus is on what you don't want, and it is helpful to take a moment to shift your focus to what you do want.

Love: See the Best in One Another

In any given situation, you can choose to assume positive or negative intentions on the part of others. Unfortunately, in situations with children, it is common for parents to assume negative intentions. "She's trying to manipulate me," or "He's out to embarrass me." Once we've decided what we think another person's intentions are, we respond based on that. So if we assign a negative intention, we are more likely to respond with frustration, impatience, or anger, whereas choosing to attribute positive intentions will help us respond more lovingly and patiently. I will quote Becky Bailey here because I think she says it very well: "You assume your tantruming child is trying to make your day difficult or is just mean. You see intentional acts of meanness instead of innocent mistakes. Alternatively, you could assume your child is hurting inside, needs some love, or is misbehaving because she lacks better skills for getting what she wants. The choice is yours. If you choose to attribute positive intentions, you will feel peaceful inside and can use that inner stability to form your response. If you choose to attribute negative intentions, you will feel inadequate yourself and bring less patience to your handling of the conflict."

Acceptance: This Moment Is As It Is

Many times in life, we waste our time and energy resisting the way things are because we are overly focused on how we think things "should" be. It makes more sense to accept the moment and respond from there. Please understand that acceptance doesn't mean you approve of or ignore what is happening; it means that you are shifting your perspective and responding to the moment in a practical, effective way rather than freaking out because it isn't as it "should" be. It's not helpful to go berserk because there are crayon markings on the wall, for example. The moment is what it is: there are crayon markings on the wall. Okay- now what are we going to do about it?

Accepting the moment as it is has helped me in so many areas in my life. No one ever has everything go exactly the way they want it to or the way they think it should. I've noticed that when things aren't going the way I'd like, I can either waste my time fuming about it and resisting it and feeling angry and upset, OR I can say, "Okay, this is what it is- now what am I going to do within this reality?" Accepting that my reality is, in fact, my current reality has brought a lot of peace to my life.

Perception: No One Can Make You Angry Without Your Permission

How often do you say things like, "You are making me angry" or "That really made me upset"? The fact is, while another person or action may have triggered your emotion, you alone are in charge of your own emotions. You have become angry; don't blame your emotions on someone or something else. Own your own feelings and take responsibility for them. If you let someone else have control over your feelings, you have given them a measure of control over you, and you are no longer in control of yourself.

Intention: Conflict Is An Opportunity To Teach

Rather than viewing conflict as an inherently bad thing that must be avoided, view it as an opportunity to teach and to learn. If you see conflict as a negative thing, you are more likely to resort to blaming and punishing. Instead, look for a way to use the moment to teach important life lessons and skills. In a conflict situation, ask yourself what your intention is. Are you trying to make your child feel bad, or are you trying to help him or her learn and be more successful in the future?

Free Will: The Only Person You Can Make Change Is Yourself

I've already mentioned that other people can't "make" you act or feel a certain way because you are ultimately in control of your own self. Likewise, you cannot make other people act or feel a certain way. We all have free will. A parent's job is not to force a child to behave; attempts to do so will teach them that it is acceptable to try to force others to do things your way. We certainly must not abdicate our responsibility to guide and teach (in other words, to discipline), but we would do well as parents to let go of the notion that we can "make" children obey.

Unity: Focus on Connecting Instead of Trying to Be Special

When people are unified, they connect with each other and are more caring and compassionate. In a conflict situation, unity can be found if we are willing to connect rather than insisting upon being right. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or do I want to connect?"


I have plenty more I could say about these, but this post is already longer than I'd like it to be. ;) If anyone would like to start a conversation in the comments, feel free. I'd love to talk over these ideas.

What Are You Teaching?

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is first and foremost a book about developing self-discipline and changing your own perceptions, which will then change your responses. If your underlying perception of parents and children is one of war (these kids are out to disobey me and I must break their will because I'm the boss), this book will be a huge paradigm shift for you. (It was for me the first time I read it.) This book challenges parents to shift their perception to one of parents and children developing a cooperative, respectful relationship that is based on love and not fear. Chapter 1, From Willful to Willing, focuses on a few main points: discipline as teaching, fear-based discipline versus love-based discipline, and the role of misbehavior. I'll cover these topics and give you some of the thoughts I had while reading, but I encourage you to read the book for yourself. While there is some other information in this chapter, it is covered in-depth in the next couple of chapters, and really, in the rest of the book, so I will save it for now.

What Are You Teaching?

One question any parent does well to consider is, "What am I teaching?" In chapter one, the author reminds us that kids do not just learn from our instructions; they learn even more by watching how we treat or talk to them and others. Do we treat them with respect, kindness, and patience? It is unreasonable to expect children to do what we ourselves do not model for them. Becky Bailey writes, "You cannot teach what you do not know." The first step, then, is to discipline ourselves.

In fact, true discipline is about teaching; the root of the word is "disciple." You do not disciple someone by punishing or threatening; you disciple by teaching. Discipline is not just about changing an immediate behavior. The discipline methods we use will teach our children about interpersonal skills, problem solving, conflict resolution, self-discipline, and respect for people of all ages. Therefore, we must be aware of how very, very important our words and actions are. How we respond to children's mistakes, misbehavior, and conflicts will teach them valuable lessons that go far deeper than the surface behavior.

Fear Versus Love

For a long time, much of what is touted as child discipline has been rooted in fear. The foundation of fear-based discipline is the belief that we can "make" children obey. Bailey reminds us that many of the methods commonly employed by parents are nothing but control strategies that rely on manipulation, force, or fear.

In Christian circles especially, so many people think that the concept of original sin means that children are born as sinful beings who are out to control and manipulate us, and that we must swiftly and decisively enforce our authority and break their will. What a heartbreaking view of the parent-child relationship (and an uneducated view of child development)! It is hard for me to believe that God intends for parents to use fear-based discipline with their children, because God himself does not use fear-based discipline with us; he does not force, coerce, or manipulate. God loves us, and because of his love, we respect him and desire to obey him. Fear may "make" a person change their behavior, but love changes a person's heart. In the end, children have a choice to obey or disobey. As parents, then, our question should not be, "How can I make my child _____?" It should be, "How can I help them be more likely to make the right choice?" The first question is a controlling one that focuses on outward behavior; the second focuses on the heart.

Perception of Misbehavior

Now a quick word on misbehavior. Often, we are too quick to label things as misbehavior and then punish. In fact, misbehavior provides valuable opportunities for children to learn necessary life lessons. The way we perceive and then respond to children's behavior will teach them things like responsibility, communication, safety, the ability to have a meaningful "yes" and "no," and the awareness of needs and feelings (both their own and those of others). Let us not be so quick to punish in order to squelch a behavior; instead, let's realize that true discipline is not a quick fix. The discipling of another human being requires an investment of time, love, patience, and self-control, but it is worth it. In the end, I think most parents would agree that they do not want to simply control their child's outward behavior; they want to teach their kids how to be caring, responsible, and self-disciplined individuals. The behaviors we model ourselves and our responses to our children's misbehavior can help us accomplish this goal.

Questions To Consider:

What am I teaching my children?
What is my role as a parent?
How do I define discipline?
How do I perceive conflict and misbehavior?
Do I rely on fear-based or love-based discipline?

Before We Get Started

The first time I tried to read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, about three and a half years ago, I didn't make it past the first chapter. I wasn't ready for what it had to say. Because I was still steeped in the ideas that parents and kids were locked in a battle of wills from which the parents must emerge victorious at all costs (thanks a bunch, Dr. Dobson), I read this chapter with those lenses on and I truly did not get it at all. Thankfully, as God began to change my heart regarding parents, children, and the purpose of discipline, this chapter made so much more sense to me and I went on to read the entire book. And I'm glad I did; it is now one of my favorite parenting books.

I won't lie; I still struggle a bit with the first chapter, partially because of some of the terminology used. The Seven Powers for Self-Control, the Seven Basic Discipline Skills, the Seven Values for Living. Sorry, but that bit is a little too cheesy for my tastes. However, if we can look past those titles and see what is actually being said, we will get a lot out of it.

I thought it would also be a good idea to give a little information about the author, Becky Bailey. She has a PhD in early childhood education and developmental psychology, is the founder of Loving Guidance, Inc., and developed the Conscious Discipline program. Through her books and programs, she has worked to help parents make internal changes in order to more effectively parent their children.

My next post will cover the first chapter of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. Because this is a book study/review and I want to keep my posts brief enough to be easily readable, I will focus on the main points and will throw in my own commentary. By all means, check the book out and read it for yourself if you'd like to go more in-depth. ;-)

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

Because I am so interested in families and parenting, this year I have decided to read one parenting book each month and review it on this blog. I think this will be a good way to keep me focused as well as share information that will hopefully be helpful or encouraging to others. This month I will be reading and writing about Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. It is an excellent foundational book for parenting and discipline (both self-discipline and the discipling of children). I hope you will read along on the blog and enjoy!