Throughout childhood, children go through developmental stages that contribute to some of the behaviors that parents often freak out about. When parents assume that misbehavior is coming from a place of disrespect, they have set themselves up to overreact to typical development issues. As a parent, an understanding of child development is invaluable; not only will it help you understand where your child's behavior may be coming from, it will also help you determine whether a behavior is normal at your child's age or whether something more is going on.
Often in response to typical developmental issues, many parents yell, spank, bribe, blame their own feelings on their children, try to make their kids feel bad, focus on what their children aren't doing right, and assume their kids have negative motives for their behavior. But how parents respond to a child's behavior will teach him lessons that will impact him for the rest of his life, and the lessons that will be taught by the preceding responses are most assuredly not the lessons I want my child to internalize and take with him throughout his life. The skills discussed in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline-- composure, assertiveness, choices, encouragement, positive intent, empathy, and consequences-- teach integrity, respect, responsibility, self-control, cooperation, and compassion. These are absolutely the lessons I want my children to learn!
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to research and understand child development. I would also encourage parents to commit wholeheartedly to disciplining children in a loving, understanding, positive way. Yes, there are moments where it seems easier to punish. That's because it is easier to punish, to yell, to criticize, to spank, to lose control of yourself. Discipline is really about teaching, though, and that takes time, patience, and commitment. No, discipline is not easy, but we set ourselves and our children up for a lot of frustration if we convince ourselves that parenting is easy. I definitely do not want my children to be the products of the easy way out.
The final chapters of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline discuss developmental stages and some common discipline problems. I will not review all this information here, but I encourage you to read it on your own if you are interested. I will wrap up my review of this book in my next post with a few final thoughts as we close out January.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Discipline and Punishment Are Not the Same Thing
Why is it that so many people equate punishment with discipline? There are those who think that nothing has been learned until a child has been punished, but this doesn't make sense. If children don't learn without being punished, then how do they learn to sit up, crawl, walk, speak, identify colors and letters, read, do math, and so on? Children learn to do thousands of things without being punished, so why do we think that they must be punished in order to learn how to behave appropriately?
Discipline is about teaching, but punishments do absolutely nothing to teach children the actual skills they need to behave better in the future. How can you hold a person accountable for skills they have not been taught? Furthermore, if parents take care to actively, purposely teach their children the correct skills and behaviors, adding a punishment onto it is unnecessary, illogical, and can actually hinder the child from learning what is being taught.
Besides that, the "make 'em pay" attitude doesn't jive at all with Christian beliefs about Jesus and grace, so why are Christians often the first ones to defend the practice of punishment when it comes to their children? Yes, God allows us to experience the consequences of our actions, but this is not at all the same as punishment. We have received the gift of grace, yet we insist upon punishing the children with whom we have been entrusted by God.
Children, too, must be allowed to feel the actual consequences of their choices if they are to learn to be responsible for their actions. This can be hard for parents, because in the process, their children will experience painful emotions like anger, disappointment, and embarrassment. Notice that it is not the adult's responsibility to "make" the child feel those things! True discipline is painful, but not because the adult makes it painful; it is because learning from one's own mistakes is naturally not an easy, painless experience. You know this from your own life experiences, I'm sure.
Consequences definitely have a place within discipline, if the consequences are appropriate and are given with the intent to teach skills rather than to make the child feel bad. And no, "I'm gonna teach that kid a lesson!" is not the same thing as teaching helpful, real-life skills that will be useful to them in the future. ;-) Of course, there are natural consequences for certain things; these are consequences that just happen on their own. If you don't wear a jacket on a cold day, you get cold. If you choose not to eat your dinner, you get hungry later. That sort of thing. There are also logical consequences that can be imposed by adults. A logical consequence for coloring on the wall, for example, would be to have the child help clean the crayon markings off the wall and to put the crayons up or not allow them to be used unsupervised. A punishment, on the other hand, would be to spank them or send them to time out. I've heard people say that you have to spank kids to teach them that there are consequences for their actions, but that's just not true. Natural and/or logical consequences teach them that. When I mess up, no one spanks me to show me that there are consequences for my actions. I just experience the actual consequences and I learn from my mistake. That is what we need to help our children do.
There is a lot more information about how to use consequences effectively and how to teach kids problem-solving skills in chapter 9 of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. To me, it seems that the most important thing to understand is what I have basically written about here: punishment and discipline are not the same, and punishment and consequences have entirely different goals.
Discipline is about teaching, but punishments do absolutely nothing to teach children the actual skills they need to behave better in the future. How can you hold a person accountable for skills they have not been taught? Furthermore, if parents take care to actively, purposely teach their children the correct skills and behaviors, adding a punishment onto it is unnecessary, illogical, and can actually hinder the child from learning what is being taught.
Besides that, the "make 'em pay" attitude doesn't jive at all with Christian beliefs about Jesus and grace, so why are Christians often the first ones to defend the practice of punishment when it comes to their children? Yes, God allows us to experience the consequences of our actions, but this is not at all the same as punishment. We have received the gift of grace, yet we insist upon punishing the children with whom we have been entrusted by God.
Children, too, must be allowed to feel the actual consequences of their choices if they are to learn to be responsible for their actions. This can be hard for parents, because in the process, their children will experience painful emotions like anger, disappointment, and embarrassment. Notice that it is not the adult's responsibility to "make" the child feel those things! True discipline is painful, but not because the adult makes it painful; it is because learning from one's own mistakes is naturally not an easy, painless experience. You know this from your own life experiences, I'm sure.
Consequences definitely have a place within discipline, if the consequences are appropriate and are given with the intent to teach skills rather than to make the child feel bad. And no, "I'm gonna teach that kid a lesson!" is not the same thing as teaching helpful, real-life skills that will be useful to them in the future. ;-) Of course, there are natural consequences for certain things; these are consequences that just happen on their own. If you don't wear a jacket on a cold day, you get cold. If you choose not to eat your dinner, you get hungry later. That sort of thing. There are also logical consequences that can be imposed by adults. A logical consequence for coloring on the wall, for example, would be to have the child help clean the crayon markings off the wall and to put the crayons up or not allow them to be used unsupervised. A punishment, on the other hand, would be to spank them or send them to time out. I've heard people say that you have to spank kids to teach them that there are consequences for their actions, but that's just not true. Natural and/or logical consequences teach them that. When I mess up, no one spanks me to show me that there are consequences for my actions. I just experience the actual consequences and I learn from my mistake. That is what we need to help our children do.
There is a lot more information about how to use consequences effectively and how to teach kids problem-solving skills in chapter 9 of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. To me, it seems that the most important thing to understand is what I have basically written about here: punishment and discipline are not the same, and punishment and consequences have entirely different goals.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Empathy
Throwing A Fit- Everyone Does It
'Fess up, adults. You know you throw fits sometimes. We all do it. We whine, we complain, we criticize, we judge, we call names. Some adults even hurt other people physically. The truth is, it is important for children and adults alike to learn how to handle frustration and disappointment. When children whine, scream, stomp, or otherwise throw a fit, parents have a valuable opportunity to teach them how to cope with disappointment. Think about it: when your child is upset, how do you tend to respond? Do you ignore their feelings? Make them deal with it on their own? Punish them? Or do you respond with empathy? How would you want someone to respond to you if you were upset?
What Is Empathy?
First of all, empathy is not permissiveness or a passive acceptance of misbehavior. Empathy is understanding what another person is feeling. When you empathize with your children, you are showing them that you care about their feelings and thoughts. Empathy also teaches children to recognize and label emotions and to understand how their feelings can influence their behavior. Additionally, when you reflect a child's emotions by putting words to what they're feeling, you actually help them move from using the more emotional level of their brain to using the thinking and problem-solving area. This is a great thing!
Responding With Empathy
The amount of empathy with which you respond is determined by a couple of factors. Calm parents are more likely to be empathetic, while upset parents are less likely. Also, if you equate your child's misbehavior with disrespect, you are less likely to respond with empathy. However, when you recognize that your child is having trouble handling disappointment or frustration, you are much more likely to be empathetic.
It is important to reflect your child's feelings and to make him aware of them. It is also important to reflect what you see, feel, and hear.
- Reflecting What You See: Focus on the child's body, facial expressions and posture. Describe what you are seeing- but do not do it sarcastically! "You are stomping your feet and your face is scrunched up." You will help him learn to regain control of himself if you will take a moment to help him become aware of how his feelings are driving his actions.
- Reflecting What You Feel: Do you feel frustrated? Then there's a good chance your child does too. To reflect what your child might be feeling, focus on his body language. Then say something like, "You seem angry," or, "You sound sad."
- Reflecting What You Hear: Listen to what your child is saying, then summarize it in your own words. This shows him that you're listening and that you understand what he's feeling.
Be aware of your intent when you use the skill of empathy. Sometimes parents may use empathy to "make" a child stop feeling or acting a certain way. But this is not true empathy. Also remember that empathy is not a tool to eliminate children's feelings; empathizing with them does not mean their anger or sadness will magically disappear. Feelings are a part of life, neither good nor bad, and we need to help children recognize and understand their feelings rather than insisting that they be happy all the time.
Anger and Tantrums
Parents often have a harder time being empathetic about anger than they do about sadness or happiness. But empathy is actually one of the best skills you can use to help your child gain control over his angry emotions and the behaviors that follow. When anger is ignored by parents, children learn to ignore their own anger and it ends up surfacing eventually in the form of nagging, criticism, and depression. When parents respond to anger by bribing, threatening, or spanking, a child is more likely to act out in violent ways when he is an adult himself.
All children have tantrums. This is normal. For that matter, even adults have tantrums sometimes! Most parents respond to temper tantrums by caving in, isolating the child, shaming, or spanking. Think about how you would feel if you were very angry or upset, and someone responded to you this way! Not surprisingly, responses like these do not help diffuse the situation or calm the child, and they can actually increase the frequency of tantrums. Instead of focusing on stopping tantrums, focus on helping your child move through them. Stay calm, empathize with your child, and reflect his feelings. Having you there to calmly help him through his feelings will help him feel safer emotionally and physically, and it will guide him toward self-control.
Empathy is Important!
Empathy is used along with the other basic discipline skills discussed in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. When empathizing with your child, remember that the situation is what it is, then help him through it. Empathy teaches children so many necessary life lessons, and it is truly an indispensable skill.
'Fess up, adults. You know you throw fits sometimes. We all do it. We whine, we complain, we criticize, we judge, we call names. Some adults even hurt other people physically. The truth is, it is important for children and adults alike to learn how to handle frustration and disappointment. When children whine, scream, stomp, or otherwise throw a fit, parents have a valuable opportunity to teach them how to cope with disappointment. Think about it: when your child is upset, how do you tend to respond? Do you ignore their feelings? Make them deal with it on their own? Punish them? Or do you respond with empathy? How would you want someone to respond to you if you were upset?
What Is Empathy?
First of all, empathy is not permissiveness or a passive acceptance of misbehavior. Empathy is understanding what another person is feeling. When you empathize with your children, you are showing them that you care about their feelings and thoughts. Empathy also teaches children to recognize and label emotions and to understand how their feelings can influence their behavior. Additionally, when you reflect a child's emotions by putting words to what they're feeling, you actually help them move from using the more emotional level of their brain to using the thinking and problem-solving area. This is a great thing!
Responding With Empathy
The amount of empathy with which you respond is determined by a couple of factors. Calm parents are more likely to be empathetic, while upset parents are less likely. Also, if you equate your child's misbehavior with disrespect, you are less likely to respond with empathy. However, when you recognize that your child is having trouble handling disappointment or frustration, you are much more likely to be empathetic.
It is important to reflect your child's feelings and to make him aware of them. It is also important to reflect what you see, feel, and hear.
- Reflecting What You See: Focus on the child's body, facial expressions and posture. Describe what you are seeing- but do not do it sarcastically! "You are stomping your feet and your face is scrunched up." You will help him learn to regain control of himself if you will take a moment to help him become aware of how his feelings are driving his actions.
- Reflecting What You Feel: Do you feel frustrated? Then there's a good chance your child does too. To reflect what your child might be feeling, focus on his body language. Then say something like, "You seem angry," or, "You sound sad."
- Reflecting What You Hear: Listen to what your child is saying, then summarize it in your own words. This shows him that you're listening and that you understand what he's feeling.
Be aware of your intent when you use the skill of empathy. Sometimes parents may use empathy to "make" a child stop feeling or acting a certain way. But this is not true empathy. Also remember that empathy is not a tool to eliminate children's feelings; empathizing with them does not mean their anger or sadness will magically disappear. Feelings are a part of life, neither good nor bad, and we need to help children recognize and understand their feelings rather than insisting that they be happy all the time.
Anger and Tantrums
Parents often have a harder time being empathetic about anger than they do about sadness or happiness. But empathy is actually one of the best skills you can use to help your child gain control over his angry emotions and the behaviors that follow. When anger is ignored by parents, children learn to ignore their own anger and it ends up surfacing eventually in the form of nagging, criticism, and depression. When parents respond to anger by bribing, threatening, or spanking, a child is more likely to act out in violent ways when he is an adult himself.
All children have tantrums. This is normal. For that matter, even adults have tantrums sometimes! Most parents respond to temper tantrums by caving in, isolating the child, shaming, or spanking. Think about how you would feel if you were very angry or upset, and someone responded to you this way! Not surprisingly, responses like these do not help diffuse the situation or calm the child, and they can actually increase the frequency of tantrums. Instead of focusing on stopping tantrums, focus on helping your child move through them. Stay calm, empathize with your child, and reflect his feelings. Having you there to calmly help him through his feelings will help him feel safer emotionally and physically, and it will guide him toward self-control.
Empathy is Important!
Empathy is used along with the other basic discipline skills discussed in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. When empathizing with your child, remember that the situation is what it is, then help him through it. Empathy teaches children so many necessary life lessons, and it is truly an indispensable skill.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Positive Intent
This chapter of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline called my attention to one of the areas where I often fail to live out what I believe about parenting. I'll come right out and admit it: despite the fact that I know better, I often automatically assume that my child has negative intentions when he behaves inappropriately. In other situations, I am the person who usually speculates about the perfectly reasonable motivations that could underlie people's negative actions- but as soon as my seven year old misbehaves, I am assuming that he has all kinds of negative motivations for his behavior. Why?
Why is it so hard for me to remember that while his behavior or words may be inappropriate, his underlying motivation is probably not negative? A negative behavior does not mean there is a negative intent. I rarely take the time to look beneath the surface; I just want to squelch the inappropriate behavior now. As a result, I assign negative intent (he is just being selfish, or he just wants to get his way, or he is trying to make me angry), then I try to make him feel guilty. In the end, we both feel badly about ourselves and nothing positive has been accomplished. This is not my job as a parent.
Yes, children need to know when their behavior is inappropriate, but my job is to communicate this to my child without attacking him, and to teach him a better way. I am all too familiar with what takes place when a parent attributes negative intentions to their child's behavior. The parent makes the negative assumption ("He is just selfish!") and starts feeling angry. Then the parent uses words, actions, or tone of voice to punish and make the child feel guilty. Predictably, the situation escalates: the child becomes defensive rather than cooperative, and the parent becomes more punitive. On the other hand, if the parent attributes positive intentions ("He is frustrated and is trying to express that"), the parent stays calm and turns the situation into a teaching moment.
A lot of the time, children actually have positive intentions, but they simply do not have the skills to consistently communicate this in a more appropriate way. When my seven year old yells at his one year old brother for turning off the TV while he's playing a video game, his intention is not to be mean; he just needs to learn a better way to communicate that he doesn't want his brother to turn off the TV. If I recognize this intention, I can say something like, "You were frustrated that your brother interrupted you while you were doing something you enjoy, so you yelled. You may not yell at your brother. Instead, say, 'Isaac, keep the TV on,' or you can come to me for help. Try that now." This approach states the positive motive behind his behavior as well as the negative way he tried to achieve his goal. A limit is set and it is made clear that the behavior was inappropriate. Then a more appropriate way is taught. This is true discipline.
I need to focus on intent- not just my child's actual intent, but mine as well. Do I intend to teach or to make my child feel bad? Do I intend to move a situation toward cooperation or defensiveness? Do I intend to discipline or do I intend to punish?
Underneath it all, my real intention as a parent is to raise children who are patient, kind, understanding, and so on. Just like our children, parents often have positive motivations but choose negative behaviors to try to attain our goals. Positive intent doesn't justify negative behavior, though; I am responsible for learning a better way. I realize that this is an area where I struggle, and I am working on it by asking myself a few questions in moments like these: What is my goal in this situation? What is motivating my child's behavior? What do I want him to do instead? And how can I teach him a better way?
Why is it so hard for me to remember that while his behavior or words may be inappropriate, his underlying motivation is probably not negative? A negative behavior does not mean there is a negative intent. I rarely take the time to look beneath the surface; I just want to squelch the inappropriate behavior now. As a result, I assign negative intent (he is just being selfish, or he just wants to get his way, or he is trying to make me angry), then I try to make him feel guilty. In the end, we both feel badly about ourselves and nothing positive has been accomplished. This is not my job as a parent.
Yes, children need to know when their behavior is inappropriate, but my job is to communicate this to my child without attacking him, and to teach him a better way. I am all too familiar with what takes place when a parent attributes negative intentions to their child's behavior. The parent makes the negative assumption ("He is just selfish!") and starts feeling angry. Then the parent uses words, actions, or tone of voice to punish and make the child feel guilty. Predictably, the situation escalates: the child becomes defensive rather than cooperative, and the parent becomes more punitive. On the other hand, if the parent attributes positive intentions ("He is frustrated and is trying to express that"), the parent stays calm and turns the situation into a teaching moment.
A lot of the time, children actually have positive intentions, but they simply do not have the skills to consistently communicate this in a more appropriate way. When my seven year old yells at his one year old brother for turning off the TV while he's playing a video game, his intention is not to be mean; he just needs to learn a better way to communicate that he doesn't want his brother to turn off the TV. If I recognize this intention, I can say something like, "You were frustrated that your brother interrupted you while you were doing something you enjoy, so you yelled. You may not yell at your brother. Instead, say, 'Isaac, keep the TV on,' or you can come to me for help. Try that now." This approach states the positive motive behind his behavior as well as the negative way he tried to achieve his goal. A limit is set and it is made clear that the behavior was inappropriate. Then a more appropriate way is taught. This is true discipline.
I need to focus on intent- not just my child's actual intent, but mine as well. Do I intend to teach or to make my child feel bad? Do I intend to move a situation toward cooperation or defensiveness? Do I intend to discipline or do I intend to punish?
Underneath it all, my real intention as a parent is to raise children who are patient, kind, understanding, and so on. Just like our children, parents often have positive motivations but choose negative behaviors to try to attain our goals. Positive intent doesn't justify negative behavior, though; I am responsible for learning a better way. I realize that this is an area where I struggle, and I am working on it by asking myself a few questions in moments like these: What is my goal in this situation? What is motivating my child's behavior? What do I want him to do instead? And how can I teach him a better way?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Encouragement
After reading the chapter on encouragement in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, I noticed that I almost immediately began discouraging myself. I tend to pay more attention to my weaknesses and what I am doing wrong than my strengths and what I do well. So when I read this chapter, I immediately saw the things I am doing wrong and I became discouraged. But then I remembered what I read in the beginning of the chapter: "The way you treat yourself is the way you will treat your children... If you routinely discourage yourself, you will unconsciously discourage your children." While it is not helpful to dwell on what I am doing wrong, it is necessary to be aware of what is discouraging to children in order to learn to be truly encouraging.
Some Types of Praise Can Be Discouraging
General praise like "You are always so sweet" can pressure children to live up to unrealistic standards; they may spend their lives striving to live up to an image of perfection, or they may act out in hopes that their parents will see them for who they really are. Praise that relies on value judgments ("good boy" or "great job") can create children who grow up and are constantly looking for feedback about whether they are good enough. Praise that focuses on what you think or feel about the child's behavior teaches them to seek approval. It can imply that you like them when they please you. Many people strive to win others' love by pleasing them; this is something I still struggle with myself. Giving praise only when a job is well-done teaches that accomplishments are what matter, when in reality, the process is just as important. Lastly, avoid praise that compares the child to others, such as siblings or peers.
Rewards Can Also Be Damaging
Parents, teachers, and other caregivers often use rewards such as money, candy, toys, or special privileges. Over time, though, such rewards either lose their meaning to the child or they teach the child to value things more than relationships. Rewards (and the other side of the coin, punishments) train children to please others- but do we actually want our children to grow up to become people-pleasers? I know I don't! Rewards also do not build internal motivation; they lead to children who do things because of what they'll get out of it (or because of the fear of punishment) rather than because it's the right thing to do. A few years ago, I read the book Punished By Rewards by Alfie Kohn. It is an excellent book about the dangers of rewards and punishments, and I highly recommend it.
Offering Healthy Encouragement
The first step to offering encouragement is to truly notice your child. Simply giving a child your attention is encouraging in itself. Then describe what you see, rather than judging. Be your child's mirror. Instead of saying "Good job," say something like, "You tied your own shoes!" When you describe what you see without assigning a value judgment to it, the child can then make his own evaluation of the situation. Additionally, when you help your child become conscious of his actions and let him make his own judgments, you are actually strengthening the frontal lobes of his brain. The frontal lobe can regulate the emotional part of the brain, so a person with a well-developed frontal lobe will be better at managing his emotions and calming himself. Obviously, this is an outcome most parents would desire!
Here are some guidelines for noticing children rather than judging:
- Start with the child's name or "you." Other good starting phrases are, "You did it!" or "Look at you!" Judging statements, on the other hand, generally start with general terms like "good" or "great."
- Describe exactly what you see, and be specific. Say something like, "You put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. That was helpful," rather than "Thank you for being so helpful."
- End with a tag like, "That was helpful/thoughtful/kind/caring," or "Good for you."
Shine Your Light On What You Value
- His assets and strengths
- His efforts, progress, and accomplishments
- His contributions to others
- His willingness to cooperate when you set limits
As usual, there is so much helpful information in this chapter, and I simply cannot share it all here. If you are interested in learning more, please read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. It will be worth your time!
Some Types of Praise Can Be Discouraging
General praise like "You are always so sweet" can pressure children to live up to unrealistic standards; they may spend their lives striving to live up to an image of perfection, or they may act out in hopes that their parents will see them for who they really are. Praise that relies on value judgments ("good boy" or "great job") can create children who grow up and are constantly looking for feedback about whether they are good enough. Praise that focuses on what you think or feel about the child's behavior teaches them to seek approval. It can imply that you like them when they please you. Many people strive to win others' love by pleasing them; this is something I still struggle with myself. Giving praise only when a job is well-done teaches that accomplishments are what matter, when in reality, the process is just as important. Lastly, avoid praise that compares the child to others, such as siblings or peers.
Rewards Can Also Be Damaging
Parents, teachers, and other caregivers often use rewards such as money, candy, toys, or special privileges. Over time, though, such rewards either lose their meaning to the child or they teach the child to value things more than relationships. Rewards (and the other side of the coin, punishments) train children to please others- but do we actually want our children to grow up to become people-pleasers? I know I don't! Rewards also do not build internal motivation; they lead to children who do things because of what they'll get out of it (or because of the fear of punishment) rather than because it's the right thing to do. A few years ago, I read the book Punished By Rewards by Alfie Kohn. It is an excellent book about the dangers of rewards and punishments, and I highly recommend it.
Offering Healthy Encouragement
The first step to offering encouragement is to truly notice your child. Simply giving a child your attention is encouraging in itself. Then describe what you see, rather than judging. Be your child's mirror. Instead of saying "Good job," say something like, "You tied your own shoes!" When you describe what you see without assigning a value judgment to it, the child can then make his own evaluation of the situation. Additionally, when you help your child become conscious of his actions and let him make his own judgments, you are actually strengthening the frontal lobes of his brain. The frontal lobe can regulate the emotional part of the brain, so a person with a well-developed frontal lobe will be better at managing his emotions and calming himself. Obviously, this is an outcome most parents would desire!
Here are some guidelines for noticing children rather than judging:
- Start with the child's name or "you." Other good starting phrases are, "You did it!" or "Look at you!" Judging statements, on the other hand, generally start with general terms like "good" or "great."
- Describe exactly what you see, and be specific. Say something like, "You put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. That was helpful," rather than "Thank you for being so helpful."
- End with a tag like, "That was helpful/thoughtful/kind/caring," or "Good for you."
Shine Your Light On What You Value
Giving praise is like turning on a flashlight in a dark room: The places you point your flashlight at indicate what you value. If you focus on your children being "good," you teach them to please others in order to feel worthy... If you accentuate your children's strengths, you teach them about their abilities. If you encourage their contributions, you teach them how important it is to share their gifts.Here are some things you may want to shine your light on. Notice these things about your child and call attention to them using the guidelines above:
- His assets and strengths
- His efforts, progress, and accomplishments
- His contributions to others
- His willingness to cooperate when you set limits
As usual, there is so much helpful information in this chapter, and I simply cannot share it all here. If you are interested in learning more, please read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. It will be worth your time!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Keeping It Real
I am awed, humbled, and occasionally overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising children. Parenting is hard work, and it is something that I do imperfectly on a regular basis. As I write about the books I am reading and my views on parenting, one of my biggest fears is that people will mistakenly believe that I have it all figured out, or that I'm judging other people. I'm not. The truth is, I fail regularly. I very strongly believe in certain things- like attachment parenting, gentle discipline, and applying my faith to how I treat my children- but I am nowhere close to perfect, and I mess up just like everyone else. Sometimes I am too harsh. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I am out of control. When I face my own imperfection, there is no room for pride in myself or judgment of others.
Although I realize I will never be perfect, I will continue to try to be the kind of parent I believe God wants me to be. My prayer is that the fruit of the Spirit will shine through in all areas of my life, including how I interact with, raise, and discipline my children. I will continue to move toward the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control spoken of in Scripture, and I will continue to speak out about parenting practices (especially Christian-endorsed parenting methods) that are not characterized by these things.
The reason I write about my views on parenting and the books I am reading is simple: I am trying to continually stay focused on the kind of parent I want to be. If I can encourage other parents along the way, that is wonderful. But my primary goal is to move closer and closer to being a parent who reflects the heart of God.
Although I realize I will never be perfect, I will continue to try to be the kind of parent I believe God wants me to be. My prayer is that the fruit of the Spirit will shine through in all areas of my life, including how I interact with, raise, and discipline my children. I will continue to move toward the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control spoken of in Scripture, and I will continue to speak out about parenting practices (especially Christian-endorsed parenting methods) that are not characterized by these things.
The reason I write about my views on parenting and the books I am reading is simple: I am trying to continually stay focused on the kind of parent I want to be. If I can encourage other parents along the way, that is wonderful. But my primary goal is to move closer and closer to being a parent who reflects the heart of God.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Giving Choices
Working With Free Will
How many times have you blamed other people for your feelings and actions? We have all heard parents say things like, "Don't make me tell you again," or "Look what you made me do!" Statements like these imply that the child has power over the adult. Of course, children are not really in control of how adults feel and act; we have free will. Parents, regain your self-control, take ownership of your own feelings, and stop blaming other people for what you do, say, or feel.
When you let go of the idea that other people can make you do or feel a certain way, you also need to let go of the idea that you can make other people do what you want. Our job as parents is not to force and manipulate our children; we need to teach them how to make good choices because this is a skill they will need. Children who have spent their lives being bossed around and threatened with punishment if they don't do what you say will grow up not knowing how to make appropriate choices for themselves; they will not know how to use their own free will. Some people actually advise parents to break their children's will. This is one of the most irresponsible and harmful things a parent can do to their child. Instead, teach your children to use their will appropriately. One way to do this is to give children choices.
False Choices and Positive Choices
Many parents give what Becky Bailey calls "false choices," where they give one preferred choice and one negative choice in order to coerce the child into doing what the parent wants. Positive choices, on the other hand, offer two options that are both equally acceptable to the parent. An example of a false choice would be, "Clean your room or you'll have no TV for a week." Clearly the parent wants the child to choose the first option, and will probably fly off the handle if the child chooses the "false" option of going without TV and not cleaning their room. In contrast, a parent giving a positive choice would focus on what they want to happen and then structure the choice to reflect that. "It's time to clean your room. You can start by picking up the toys or the clothes. Which do you choose?"
When giving positive choices, first you need to focus on what you want your child to do, then give your child a true choice by offering two options that are both acceptable. When the child makes their choice, comment on it in an encouraging voice. "You chose to pick up your dirty clothes first." This comment will make your child aware of his choice and will actually strengthen the frontal lobes of his brain. This is a good thing; the frontal lobes have the capacity to override emotional outbursts and are critical to self-control. Cool, huh? So much better than yelling or giving false choices!
When structuring choices, keep in mind the age and developmental capabilities of your child. For children under five, keep it simple by giving a choice between two things. Older kids can handle less structured choices. Some children do need more structure than others to stay on task, so always be aware of what your child is capable of handling at the time. Additionally, when children are overwhelmed or anxious, asking them to make a choice will only increase their anxiety. At this point, it is better to use assertive commands: "It's time to clean your room; start by putting the toys on the shelves."
Children Who Have Trouble Making Choices
Even as adults, sometimes we have trouble making choices. Children are no different. Those who have trouble making choices fall into three groups.
Those who refuse to make a choice: The child may be overwhelmed due to current circumstances, he may be the type who gets easily overwhelmed, or he may fear making a wrong choice. You can help by calling attention to the choices he does make, offer choices that involve being close to you, and modeling how to forgive yourself and move on when you've made a bad choice.
Those who resist the given structure: When given a choice between A and B, your child may choose C. All children do this occasionally, but those who habitually resist structure are doing so either for developmental reasons or because they have been taught this behavior. Young children go though a developmental stage called "individuation separation" where they learn that they have a separate identity from their parents. When children in this stage resist structured choices, it is because they are trying to figure out where they end and you begin. Other children may resist structured choices because they have learned it is an effective way to get their needs met. This can be the result of permissive parenting, failing to meet a child's needs as early as infancy, or serious family troubles. To learn more about why kids may resist structured choices and how you can help them, see chapter five of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.
Those who change their minds: This can be the result of stress, in which case they need assertive commands rather than choices. It can also be a learned behavior if the child receives more attention for changing his mind than he does for being cooperative.
In Review
Remember that children need to practice making age-appropriate choices; this is a skill that they will need for the rest of their lives. Your job as a parent is to give them positive, structured choices that will help them accomplish what needs to be accomplished, and to encourage them in their choice-making ability. You can do this if you remember to focus on what you want to happen and give choices that are truly acceptable. I encourage you to read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline for yourself; there is so much helpful information in the book, and I cannot possibly share it all here.
How many times have you blamed other people for your feelings and actions? We have all heard parents say things like, "Don't make me tell you again," or "Look what you made me do!" Statements like these imply that the child has power over the adult. Of course, children are not really in control of how adults feel and act; we have free will. Parents, regain your self-control, take ownership of your own feelings, and stop blaming other people for what you do, say, or feel.
When you let go of the idea that other people can make you do or feel a certain way, you also need to let go of the idea that you can make other people do what you want. Our job as parents is not to force and manipulate our children; we need to teach them how to make good choices because this is a skill they will need. Children who have spent their lives being bossed around and threatened with punishment if they don't do what you say will grow up not knowing how to make appropriate choices for themselves; they will not know how to use their own free will. Some people actually advise parents to break their children's will. This is one of the most irresponsible and harmful things a parent can do to their child. Instead, teach your children to use their will appropriately. One way to do this is to give children choices.
False Choices and Positive Choices
Many parents give what Becky Bailey calls "false choices," where they give one preferred choice and one negative choice in order to coerce the child into doing what the parent wants. Positive choices, on the other hand, offer two options that are both equally acceptable to the parent. An example of a false choice would be, "Clean your room or you'll have no TV for a week." Clearly the parent wants the child to choose the first option, and will probably fly off the handle if the child chooses the "false" option of going without TV and not cleaning their room. In contrast, a parent giving a positive choice would focus on what they want to happen and then structure the choice to reflect that. "It's time to clean your room. You can start by picking up the toys or the clothes. Which do you choose?"
When giving positive choices, first you need to focus on what you want your child to do, then give your child a true choice by offering two options that are both acceptable. When the child makes their choice, comment on it in an encouraging voice. "You chose to pick up your dirty clothes first." This comment will make your child aware of his choice and will actually strengthen the frontal lobes of his brain. This is a good thing; the frontal lobes have the capacity to override emotional outbursts and are critical to self-control. Cool, huh? So much better than yelling or giving false choices!
When structuring choices, keep in mind the age and developmental capabilities of your child. For children under five, keep it simple by giving a choice between two things. Older kids can handle less structured choices. Some children do need more structure than others to stay on task, so always be aware of what your child is capable of handling at the time. Additionally, when children are overwhelmed or anxious, asking them to make a choice will only increase their anxiety. At this point, it is better to use assertive commands: "It's time to clean your room; start by putting the toys on the shelves."
Children Who Have Trouble Making Choices
Even as adults, sometimes we have trouble making choices. Children are no different. Those who have trouble making choices fall into three groups.
Those who refuse to make a choice: The child may be overwhelmed due to current circumstances, he may be the type who gets easily overwhelmed, or he may fear making a wrong choice. You can help by calling attention to the choices he does make, offer choices that involve being close to you, and modeling how to forgive yourself and move on when you've made a bad choice.
Those who resist the given structure: When given a choice between A and B, your child may choose C. All children do this occasionally, but those who habitually resist structure are doing so either for developmental reasons or because they have been taught this behavior. Young children go though a developmental stage called "individuation separation" where they learn that they have a separate identity from their parents. When children in this stage resist structured choices, it is because they are trying to figure out where they end and you begin. Other children may resist structured choices because they have learned it is an effective way to get their needs met. This can be the result of permissive parenting, failing to meet a child's needs as early as infancy, or serious family troubles. To learn more about why kids may resist structured choices and how you can help them, see chapter five of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.
Those who change their minds: This can be the result of stress, in which case they need assertive commands rather than choices. It can also be a learned behavior if the child receives more attention for changing his mind than he does for being cooperative.
In Review
Remember that children need to practice making age-appropriate choices; this is a skill that they will need for the rest of their lives. Your job as a parent is to give them positive, structured choices that will help them accomplish what needs to be accomplished, and to encourage them in their choice-making ability. You can do this if you remember to focus on what you want to happen and give choices that are truly acceptable. I encourage you to read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline for yourself; there is so much helpful information in the book, and I cannot possibly share it all here.
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