Helpless

Too often, when I hear stories that break my heart, I let the brokenness fade without ever doing anything about it. While it is tempting to chalk it up to pure selfishness, I honestly think there is so much more to it than that. I’ve been able to identify a few different reasons that I do this, and I’d like to explore some of them here.

As I become more aware of the needs and suffering in the world, it is very easy for me to become emotionally overwhelmed. I mentioned in my last post that I’m a fixer and an empathizer; when I am aware of a need, I tend to feel it deeply and desperately want to fix it. And because there are so many needs in the world, it is impossible for anyone to fix them on their own. For that matter, on my own, I may not be able to completely fix even one thing. I am only one person who is already stretched in many different directions.

A feeling of helplessness follows closely behind feeling overwhelmed. Too much is broken; there are too many people suffering all over the world. And I begin to feel as though anything I can do still isn’t enough. It feels like a tiny drop in a vast ocean of need, and I wonder if the small contributions I could make will actually be able to help anyone in any way. Unfortunately, I have learned that this doubt is all too often reinforced by Christian culture, ironically in an attempt to motivate people to do more. I have a lot to say about this, but I’ll save it for the next post. I don’t want this one to get too long.

Have you ever insulated yourself from the suffering of others because you felt overwhelmed or helpless?

Broken

As I listened to Amanda’s words, one heartbreaking story after another, something inside me silently cried out, “Please stop. Don’t say any more. This is too much. It hurts too much.” But her words kept coming, just as they should. She sat in front of the group gathered at church, showing pictures and telling stories of the time she spent in Uganda ministering to children. And as heartbreaking as some of the stories were, they need to be told. People need to be aware.

I realized that for me, at least, it is far too easy to insulate myself from the things that are happening in other places in the world. When I come across stories online or on the news, I may pause for a moment and think about how sad a particular situation is, but it is so hard to wrap my mind around. It seems so far away, and so far removed from my daily reality, that it is sometimes hard to imagine that it’s actually real.

But these stories weren’t coming from an online article or a news broadcast. They were coming from someone in my own little world, someone I see on a regular basis, someone who has recently gone to Uganda and has seen these things firsthand. She has held the hands of children whose situations I cannot even begin to comprehend.

And I feel so broken, so shattered inside. What can I do? Can I even do anything that is actually helpful? Will I? Or will I, once again, let it all fade as my attention returns to my normal daily life?
I am the type of person who desperately wants to fix every need I see. I am empathetic and very much a feeler, and stories like the ones I heard absolutely wreck me emotionally. I want to fix things, and I feel so overwhelmed and helpless. It doesn’t help that I have seen a lot of guilt and shame perpetuated within Christian circles when it comes to situations like this, often in well-meaning attempts to get people to do more.

I have a lot of thoughts about feeling helpless and about guilt and shame that I’d like to explore further, but they don’t really belong in this post. I do think they’re strongly related to my tendency to insulate myself so it doesn’t hurt so much, though, which is why I bring them up here. I hope to explore these topics in my next couple of posts.

Until then, I will leave you with this question: When you hear stories that break your heart, do you let the brokenness fade? Why?

Love and Grace are Not Permissive

In my last post, I talked about reflecting God’s love and grace in parenting. That all sounds very good, and I think it is very good; after all, how can treating our children the way God treats us be a bad thing? But it also raises questions– questions that I think are legitimate.

Most parents know that permissiveness is not something to strive for. And when someone starts talking about the role of love and grace in parenting, it can cause people to freak out a little bit. “Love and grace? That sounds permissive. What about setting limits and enforcing consequences?”

Here’s the thing. If you read my last couple of posts, you know that I’m coming from the perspective of reflecting God’s love and grace in our relationships with everyone we encounter, and I certainly think this should include our children. So let me ask you this: is God is a permissive God?

My answer is no, of course not! The fact that he is a God of love and grace certainly does not mean that he isn’t firm or that he doesn’t set limits or that he doesn’t enforce consequences. If parents fail to set limits, are not firm when the situation calls for it, and never allow their children to experience consequences, that isn’t parenting with the love and grace of God.

But let’s be honest: it can be really, really difficult to figure out how to be firm, set limits, and enforce consequences in a way that reflects love and grace. I know that is a challenge for me! I am too quick to become punitive sometimes; at other times, it is easy to err on the side of permissiveness. I’ve talked to many parents, and I think this is something a lot of people struggle with– sometimes we end up swinging back and forth from permissive to punitive in our attempt to find the right balance of firm but gentle parenting.

I guess this is the part of the post where I’m supposed to give you my answers. I’m supposed to tell you how to determine how to disciple children with love, grace, limits, and firmness, without ever becoming too permissive or too punitive. Right?

The only answers I can give you are the ones I keep coming back to in my own life. Personally, I am trying to get to know God better, draw closer to him, and reflect on how he disciples me. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, asking him to help me see my children the way he sees them and to help me show them his love and grace. I’ve been asking God to help me lead my children in a way that reflects him, and to teach them patiently. I also try to know each of them individually and parent them as the unique people they are. And I have been learning more about positive parenting; there are several excellent books with ideas for parenting in a way that is both firm and positive. Let me know if you’d like any recommendations. And, for me, it has been huge to remember that I am not going to get it right all the time because I am human too and I’m still learning. Thankfully, God has patience and grace for my screw-ups, and he continues to lead me gently on this journey (which has been a beautiful parenting lesson in itself for me).

I am so thankful that God disciples me with love and grace. And I think you can rest assured that endeavoring to show God’s love and grace in the way you parent is not permissive.

Love and Grace in Parenting

In my last post, I talked about the transforming love of God. As a follower of Christ, I am called to show God’s love to others in how I interact with them. And because “other people” also include my children, this causes me to evaluate how I parent them.

Recently I was reminded of something very important: my children are not “mine;” they are God’s, and he has entrusted them to me. What an awesome, and very serious, responsibility. It is not something to be taken lightly. I am to guide them and to show them who God is. And if it’s true that people see God through our love, certainly that must also apply when the people in question are the children God has given me!

I take my role as a parent seriously. As God disciples me, so I want to disciple my children. I don’t want to rely on fear-based motivation to get my children to do what I think is right, because this is not how God disciples me. I want to introduce them to the love of God, the only power that can actually transform them from the inside.

The interesting thing to me about this is that it is not within my power as a human being to transform the heart of anyone else– and that includes the hearts of my children. (And, actually, Christians can get ourselves into some dangerous territory really fast if we start thinking it is our responsibility, or even within our power, to change people’s hearts.) I can, however, show them God’s love and grace in how I treat them, and I believe God will use his love to transform them as he sees fit. Therefore, my role as a parent is about so much more than shaping outward behavior; I am responsible for treating my children in a Godly way, reflecting God’s love and grace in my interactions with them. In fact, that is the responsibility of all Christ-followers in our interactions with other people, whether they are adults or children.

And so I attempt to treat other people, including my children, the way God treats me– with love and grace. Do I slip up sometimes? Yes, of course. More often than I’d like. I’m human. I am incapable of showing perfect love (defined in 1 Corinthians using words like “patient” and “kind”) because I am not perfect. And the beauty of it all is this– when I mess up, when I do the very things God would not want me to do, when I fail to love as he loves me… God continues to disciple me in love and grace!  Even this is a beautiful reminder of how I am being called to treat my children when they mess up.

The love of God transforms people’s hearts in a way that fear never can. Fear may shape people’s outward behavior, but it cannot change their hearts. Only love– only God– can do that. This is something so important to me in my role as a parent.

You may be thinking, “This ‘parenting with love and grace’ stuff sounds good– but doesn’t it really turn out to be nothing but permissive parenting?” The short answer is no; showing the love and grace of God has nothing to do with being permissive. I’ll address this topic further in my next post.

Love Transforms

At church on Sunday, we talked about God, fear, and love. James pointed out that fear certainly motivates people– it motivates us to strive and do everything in our power to get things right. But love transforms. Love is what makes it possible for real change to happen on the inside. One of my favorite scriptures was used; it is part of a beautiful passage in 1 John about the love of God. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

For probably all of human history, people have used fear to motivate others, and I’m sure we have all been motivated by fear ourselves. But fear is a horrible basis for a relationship with God, or with anyone else, for that matter. God disciples us and transforms us with his love, not with the fear of punishment. Read that passage again: There is no fear in love… for fear has to do with punishment. 
 
It seems to me that when scripture tells us such things about God, his character, and how he disciples us, we should sit up and take note. Because just as God treats us, so are we to treat others. 1 John also says, “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us.” When we allow our treatment of others to reflect the love God has shown us, people see God through us.

This is a great reminder of how to relate to the people we encounter and/or have relationships with throughout life. Love others. Reflect the love that God has shown us. Relate to people through love, rather than trying to motivate or influence them through fear. In a way, it reminds me of the parable Jesus told of the man whose enormous debts were forgiven, yet this man who was forgiven so much went out and demanded smaller debts from others. He did not treat others with the same amazing forgiveness and mercy he himself had been given. If God has given us mercy, forgiveness, grace, and love, how can we justify treating others with anything less?

As Christians, our responsibility is not to try to change other people’s hearts through fear; it is to draw close to God, to show the love of God to others, and to allow the fruit of the Spirit to be reflected in our words and actions.

When scripture talks about how followers of Christ are to treat others, I always consider what this means for me as a parent in my relationship with my children. In my next post, I’ll talk more about my thoughts on the transforming love of God and how that relates to my role as a parent.

Held Back By Fear

“What in the world makes you think that you’re even remotely qualified to help encourage and educate other parents? Have you noticed how much you screw up on a regular basis? Have you noticed how often you end up doing the very things you said you wouldn’t, or not doing the very things you know you should? Who in their right mind would ever listen to you? Are you really so conceited as to think that you should be trying to help anyone else?”

That is what is being whispered– sometimes shouted– in the back of my mind. I can’t help but wonder what gives me the right to think that I’m qualified to help equip anyone to be the best parent they can be. Sometimes I get angry. I yell. I slam doors. I say unkind or sarcastic things. I have even, much to my dismay, gotten frustrated enough to smack my 2 year old’s leg– yet physical punishment is something I am very much against. I have messed things up so many times during this parenting journey, sometimes in ways I am ashamed to recall.

I fear that as soon as I start trying to provide encouragement and information, people will call me a phony. They’ll see right through me. They’ll see that I’m not perfect, that I don’t get this stuff right all the time, that I’m just as messed up as anyone else.

But then I wonder if my imperfections and weaknesses may actually be necessary. Is it better to offer encouragement and information from a place of humility and recognition of one’s own struggles, or from a place of pride and a carefully manufactured appearance of perfection? Do people feel more encouraged by someone who recognizes her own faults, or by someone who puts on a front of having it all figured out? I can’t speak for everyone, but personally I’ve always been much more encouraged by people who seem to be as human as I am.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that I should never try to work on my own struggles as a parent. Absolutely, I should. But I should also be willing to admit that I have them, and I should never fool myself into thinking that I am better than anyone else. I know I’m not.

But still, this is one of my fears. What fears hold you back from pursuing your dreams?

My Dream

When I started this blog, I was particularly keen to avoid the topic of parenting. I was trying to disconnect myself from the idea that I am nothing other than a mom, in part because I sometimes get the feeling that people think that’s all I ever write and/or think about. And that is just not true. My goal was to use this site for thoughts about God and spirituality. Yes, it may be my personal website where I can post anything I please, but posts about other interests or happenings were not going to be posted here.

But my answer to a recent question has changed my focus a bit. The question, asked by author Jon Acuff, was this: “What passion or dream would you pursue if you had all the time in the world?” My answer surprised me a bit. The truth is, I have many interests. God and spirituality are certainly on the list, and so are authentic relationships within communities. I have also been considering going back to school to become a high school guidance counselor.

Yet, when I asked myself what dream I would pursue if I had all the time in the world…

When I asked myself what was the one thing I would go for if I wasn’t hindered by things like time and money…

I said that I wanted to counsel pregnant teens, young moms, and even new parents in general. I want to encourage them to be the best parents they can be and help them obtain the tools and information they need to do that.

It is still true that being a parent is not the totality of my identity. It’s not all I do, it’s not all I think about, and it’s not all I care about. And parenting my own children is not the only thing I want to do in life. But I do want very much to encourage other parents, especially young and/or new parents. And I have a personal interest in encouraging and educating young moms. I was a teen parent myself; I became pregnant with my oldest child at the age of 17, and I was 18 when he was born.

In light of all of this, it seems foolish to insist that this site should have nothing to do with parenting. Is it all I’m going to write about? No, probably not. But I do think this dream of mine is something worth writing about on my blog. And I also think it is something worth pursuing. I have a lot of ideas pertaining to this dream, and I will probably write about those ideas here too. And while I cannot make everything happen right now, I do think there are steps I can take to at least start moving in that direction. I want to write about that too.

So there you go. Perhaps I will post more now that I’ve given myself permission to post whatever is on my mind instead of limiting myself to just one topic. I hope you’ll stick with me and join the conversation that I’d like to get started here.

Speaking of conversation, I have a question for you: If you are a parent, in what ways were you encouraged and helped by others when you were starting on your parenting journey? In what ways do you wish you had been encouraged or helped, but weren’t?