Where's the P-Ness?

In order to move forward in life, sometimes you have to be willing to loosen your tight grip on control and stop trying to plan everything out perfectly. Actually, I won’t speak for you, partially because I can only speak from my own experience and partially because it’s really irritating to try to write like that. So I’ll say it this way: I’m realizing that I need to stop trying to control and plan so many things.

I love personality tests. According to the Myers-Briggs test, I’m an INFJ. In case you’re unfamiliar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, this breaks it down pretty succinctly:

Introversion or Extroversion
Sensing or Intuition
Thinking or Feeling
Judging or Perceiving

While personality is what it is, I do think that at certain times in life, one’s personality traits can make things feel a lot harder (or easier). And right now, the J part of my personality is making things harder for me. I am at a point in my life where it would really be beneficial for me to be a more laid-back person. I have found myself hindered in so many ways by my desire to always have a specific plan laid out. And now I am struggling with the reality that there is a time to let go and see where life takes me.

The past few months have been a flurry of change, and so many more potential changes loom on the horizon. And the “must have a plan” part of me slips deeper and deeper into anxiety as I try to plan for everything, then depression as I realize I simply cannot make a plan for everything. So much of it is just “wait and see.”

I don’t think I can change who I am deep inside– but I do think there’s something to be said for the ability/willingness to adapt to the demands of life’s seasons. And right now, in order to move forward with less anxiety, I need to be able to let go a little bit and accept the fact that I can’t control all the things I desperately want to control.

So while I am quite sure I’ll always be an INFJ, I need some P-ness in my life. (I’ll give you a moment to say that out loud and appreciate the humor.) The J part of me can plan to be more flexible and less insistent upon control. It’s not authentic P-ness, but hopefully it’ll do. Fake P-ness is better than no P-ness at all, right?

Third Trimester Thoughts

It seems that I’ve taken an unintentional break from blogging. I had a lot to say for a while, and then… I just ran out of things I felt like sharing with other people.

This is my third pregnancy, so at this point I can definitely see similar patterns in each of my pregnancies. It seems that I become very introverted during the third trimester. You see, I am already an introvert under normal circumstances, but it’s generally a nice, reasonable amount of introversion. What happens to me during my third trimester is something like extreme introversion. I become very guarded about who I share my thoughts with and what I choose to share. As much as I love the people in my life, too much interaction becomes utterly exhausting– and during the last few months of pregnancy, it honestly doesn’t take much interaction at all before I feel like shutting myself up in my house and being quiet for a few days.

Unfortunately, this means I don’t have the energy I would normally have for spending time with other people, or apparently even for blogging. I just want to be quiet and sort through things in my own head. At the same time, I dearly appreciate the handful of people in my life who have continued to communicate with me and ask how I’m doing. For people to care about me and think of me even at times when I simply do not have the energy to reach out and invest in relationships the way I usually do… that is love.

I am 31 weeks pregnant now, so I guess I’m about to wrap up the seventh month. In some ways, this pregnancy has been quite a bit different from the others. I’ve been a lot more tired this time around, and I’ve had several aches and pains that I didn’t experience with past pregnancies. Thankfully, I have been very healthy and everything is going well with the baby.

I’m officially in what I call “pre-nesting” mode, where I’m making all sorts of lists and plans in hopes of having everything in order by the time the baby is born. I’m planning meals to freeze for the first couple of weeks postpartum, birthday presents for my soon-to-be three year old (his birthday is just a couple weeks before the baby’s due date), Christmas presents (which will hopefully be pretty much taken care of by the end of this month), and of course I have a list of things I want to clean and organize. Soon enough I’m sure I’ll be nesting in earnest: scrubbing and organizing and cooking and shopping to my heart’s content.

The boys are convinced that this baby is a girl, and they both want a sister so badly they can hardly stand it. I told my two year old that the baby could be a boy like him and his brother, and he emphatically stated, “No, it NOT!” So we shall see.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I can’t promise that you’ll see many posts from me over the next few months (although I may surprise myself, you never know!), but I will definitely make an effort to update about the pregnancy from time to time. And, of course, I will update about the baby when the time comes.