Lately I’ve felt distant from God, and, honestly, a little angry. Some of it is righteous anger at the awful things that have been (and are being) done, said, and taught in the name of God. But I haven’t just been angry at the people who do these things; I’ll admit I’ve been feeling a little angry at God too. He surely sees the hurtful things that people do and say in his name, and yet he seems to do nothing about it. If someone attached my name to teachings or actions that I knew were wrong, I’d want to make it clear that I most certainly am not okay with those things. So many Christians twist scripture and use God’s name to justify manipulation, abuse, and teachings that are not true to God’s character. How does God put up with it– and why does he? Doesn’t it break his heart? Doesn’t it anger him?
I don’t have an answer, really. I’m going to assume the answer involves love, mercy, and understanding of a magnitude I cannot even begin to grasp. I’m going to assume that God must have a plan. He sees things I cannot– situations, motivations, consequences, people’s hearts– and he must be working it all out in ways I don’t perceive. The only other option is a God who’s weak, passive, cruel, or non-existent. And my heart tells me that just isn’t true; my heart tells me God is there, and that he is powerful, loving, and good.
But as I think through all of this, I feel God nudging me to consider some hard questions and answer them truthfully…
Yes, there are people who do and say wrong things in the name of God. But what if I’m one of those people and I don’t realize it? After all, it’s not as though I have a flawless understanding of God; perhaps there are things about him that I firmly believe to be true, but they aren’t, and those beliefs influence my actions. If that were the case, would I want God to become angry, lose patience, and disassociate himself from me? Would I want him to punish me and make a public example of me? No. I would want him to patiently work in my heart, show me the areas where I was wrong, and point me in the direction he wants me to go.
So why do I want him to make a big scene when people continually attach his name to things that are not of him? Honestly– and this is a hard truth to realize– I guess it’s because I believe they’re wrong and I’m right, and that they deserve his anger and I don’t. It’s as though I believe that at some point, the transforming love and grace of God are not enough. In the face of lies, oppression, violence, and abuse, love and grace feel too subtle, too weak, not big enough, not powerful enough. (I know this isn’t the case, but I’ll admit that it feels that way sometimes.) I imagine that God does feel angry and heartbroken when his people attach his name to things that are not of him. Yet he chooses to respond in love.
All I can do is ask God to show me how he feels toward those who do wrong things in his name and to help me see them the way he does. Left to my own devices, I become angry and harbor these feelings I didn’t even realize I had, feelings that they don’t deserve his love, mercy, and grace.
They don’t deserve it. But I don’t deserve it either. That’s the point of grace.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Getting Started With Homeschooling
As I make preparations to begin our first year of homeschooling, I am already learning a few things that I think will make our journey easier.
Don't wait until the last minute. With this being our first year, I was unsure about which curriculum I wanted to use. I looked at several and also considered creating my own. Eventually I decided on a curriculum that really appeals to me-- but it's quite expensive and I had to get creative (see the next paragraph). All things considered, I don't think I could have avoided waiting until the last minute to finally pull it all together. Hopefully by the end of our school year, I'll know from experience what works for us and what doesn't, and I'll be able to make decisions earlier.
Save money when possible. A brand-new curriculum can be pricey, and our budget necessitates that we find frugal ways to get what we need. Over the past few weeks, I've discovered several ways to save money.
-Borrow from a friend. If you know someone who has the curriculum you need, see if you can borrow it from them for the year. A friend offered to let me borrow her second grade curriculum. It was a different curriculum than the one I was looking for, and in the end I decided to find a way to locate the one I really loved, but her curriculum was a close runner-up (and it would have been free for us!).
-Buy used. This is what I ended up doing. I bought different parts of the curriculum from different places. Some things came from a friend at Gentle Christian Mothers, some from VegSource, and some from Homeschool Classifieds. I've also gotten books I need from Paperback Swap and from a local used bookstore. I may end up having to buy a few things new from Amazon, but they are kids' chapter books and they don't cost much. Hopefully next year I'll also be able to take advantage of local used curriculum sales; this year the sales happened before I had decided on a curriculum.
-Use the library. For the books we're going to read over the course of a week or two, the library is a good option, especially if we don't feel any need to add the book to our personal collection. Unfortunately, our library doesn't have many of the books we need, but I can always get an interlibrary loan if necessary.
Don't get too stressed out. One of the great things about homeschooling is that I can choose when to start school. We had originally planned to start on August 9, but because I'm still searching for a couple books we'll need that week, and because the science portion of our curriculum won't be here by then, we may start a little later than that-- and that's okay. I'm also not letting myself get stressed over not having every single book I'll need for the whole year; as long as I have what I need for the first month or two, I can look for the rest as the year progresses. (All I'm missing are kids' chapter books; reading is a huge part of this curriculum!)
Be flexible. The curriculum I chose includes a schedule that tells me exactly what we need to do every day, but I'm free to make modifications if needed (and I'm sure I will). I don't plan to jump in on day one with every single subject; we'll probably spend the first week or two on language arts, reading, and history, then add in math and science (and eventually piano lessons, karate, and Spanish). With this being our first year, I don't want to overwhelm us in the very first week. We can gradually ease into things and still get everything done. There's plenty of time!
So that's what I've learned so far. I'm sure I'll learn lots more as we continue on this journey. If you're experienced in homeschooling, what have you learned?
Don't wait until the last minute. With this being our first year, I was unsure about which curriculum I wanted to use. I looked at several and also considered creating my own. Eventually I decided on a curriculum that really appeals to me-- but it's quite expensive and I had to get creative (see the next paragraph). All things considered, I don't think I could have avoided waiting until the last minute to finally pull it all together. Hopefully by the end of our school year, I'll know from experience what works for us and what doesn't, and I'll be able to make decisions earlier.
Save money when possible. A brand-new curriculum can be pricey, and our budget necessitates that we find frugal ways to get what we need. Over the past few weeks, I've discovered several ways to save money.
-Borrow from a friend. If you know someone who has the curriculum you need, see if you can borrow it from them for the year. A friend offered to let me borrow her second grade curriculum. It was a different curriculum than the one I was looking for, and in the end I decided to find a way to locate the one I really loved, but her curriculum was a close runner-up (and it would have been free for us!).
-Buy used. This is what I ended up doing. I bought different parts of the curriculum from different places. Some things came from a friend at Gentle Christian Mothers, some from VegSource, and some from Homeschool Classifieds. I've also gotten books I need from Paperback Swap and from a local used bookstore. I may end up having to buy a few things new from Amazon, but they are kids' chapter books and they don't cost much. Hopefully next year I'll also be able to take advantage of local used curriculum sales; this year the sales happened before I had decided on a curriculum.
-Use the library. For the books we're going to read over the course of a week or two, the library is a good option, especially if we don't feel any need to add the book to our personal collection. Unfortunately, our library doesn't have many of the books we need, but I can always get an interlibrary loan if necessary.
Don't get too stressed out. One of the great things about homeschooling is that I can choose when to start school. We had originally planned to start on August 9, but because I'm still searching for a couple books we'll need that week, and because the science portion of our curriculum won't be here by then, we may start a little later than that-- and that's okay. I'm also not letting myself get stressed over not having every single book I'll need for the whole year; as long as I have what I need for the first month or two, I can look for the rest as the year progresses. (All I'm missing are kids' chapter books; reading is a huge part of this curriculum!)
Be flexible. The curriculum I chose includes a schedule that tells me exactly what we need to do every day, but I'm free to make modifications if needed (and I'm sure I will). I don't plan to jump in on day one with every single subject; we'll probably spend the first week or two on language arts, reading, and history, then add in math and science (and eventually piano lessons, karate, and Spanish). With this being our first year, I don't want to overwhelm us in the very first week. We can gradually ease into things and still get everything done. There's plenty of time!
So that's what I've learned so far. I'm sure I'll learn lots more as we continue on this journey. If you're experienced in homeschooling, what have you learned?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Lessons I've Learned
I originally wrote this post over two years ago, but it has been on my mind lately and I wanted to share it.
Families often experience unique circumstances that teach them new lessons about parenting. My son Elijah was diagnosed with developmental delays at the age of three, and although these delays are now in our past, the truths I learned from that experience have become the foundation of my parenting style. These also apply to children who are not developmentally delayed, so I hope other parents will find them helpful.
Listen to your heart. My heart told me that something wasn’t quite right with Elijah, but for a long time my concerns were shrugged off by family, friends, and even professionals as “just a stage.” If you feel strongly that something is not right with your child, you’re probably correct. A parent’s gut feeling should not be ignored. When Elijah was young, I was not very confident in my role as a parent. I worked hard to please the people around me and do what they thought was best, which led to a lot of inconsistency and confusion. If you see that something is not working for your family, listen to your heart, even if everyone else around you is doing things differently. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising children; know your child, know yourself, and do what is most beneficial to everyone involved. Do it confidently—this is your family and your child.
Slow down. I started college when Elijah was three weeks old, and I graduated a month after his diagnosis. While my education is valuable to me, I wish I had spent more time focusing on my son during those years. Since my graduation in 2005, I have intentionally slowed down by becoming a full-time mom. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be at home with him. During this time, I have gotten to know and understand him better, and I have been able to work with him one-on-one. While I do have other interests and goals, right now my highest priority is raising my children. I realize that being a full-time parent may not be the best fit for everyone. This is what slowing down looked like for me, but it may not be what slowing down looks like for you. (Remember to follow your heart!)
Recognize and understand your child’s developmental abilities. This will save you a lot of frustration! Elijah’s developmental delays meant that, for a time, I could not expect age appropriate behavior from him. Chronologically, he was three, but developmentally, he was on the level of a one year old. Even if your child is not developmentally delayed, educate yourself on the behaviors that are expected during each developmental stage. When you know what to expect and why, you are better equipped to respond appropriately.
Punishment is not the same as discipline. When I expected Elijah to behave in ways that did not match up to his developmental ability, I was quick to become frustrated and punish him. One of my biggest regrets is that it took a diagnosis of developmental delays for me to realize that punishment was ineffective; it increased our frustration levels and did nothing to remedy the situation. When I chose to discipline by calmly modeling and teaching appropriate behaviors instead of punishing for inappropriate behaviors, our frustration levels dropped and he responded positively.
Know your child. Know his or her strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, personality and temperament. My children are unique individuals, and my understanding of them equips me to parent them more effectively. I am able to focus on their strengths and interests in order to teach them new skills, and I am more aware of what to expect from them based on their personalities and temperaments.
When you intentionally slow down, get to know your children, and understand where they are developmentally, you will gain a new perspective on their behaviors and your role as parent. Your relationship with your children will blossom as you listen to your heart, grow in confidence, and actively teach them new skills and behaviors. Although I learned many of these lessons while parenting a developmentally delayed child, they can be applied in all families. These lessons changed my perspective on parenting, and I hope you are able to find them helpful or encouraging in some way.
Families often experience unique circumstances that teach them new lessons about parenting. My son Elijah was diagnosed with developmental delays at the age of three, and although these delays are now in our past, the truths I learned from that experience have become the foundation of my parenting style. These also apply to children who are not developmentally delayed, so I hope other parents will find them helpful.
Listen to your heart. My heart told me that something wasn’t quite right with Elijah, but for a long time my concerns were shrugged off by family, friends, and even professionals as “just a stage.” If you feel strongly that something is not right with your child, you’re probably correct. A parent’s gut feeling should not be ignored. When Elijah was young, I was not very confident in my role as a parent. I worked hard to please the people around me and do what they thought was best, which led to a lot of inconsistency and confusion. If you see that something is not working for your family, listen to your heart, even if everyone else around you is doing things differently. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising children; know your child, know yourself, and do what is most beneficial to everyone involved. Do it confidently—this is your family and your child.
Slow down. I started college when Elijah was three weeks old, and I graduated a month after his diagnosis. While my education is valuable to me, I wish I had spent more time focusing on my son during those years. Since my graduation in 2005, I have intentionally slowed down by becoming a full-time mom. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be at home with him. During this time, I have gotten to know and understand him better, and I have been able to work with him one-on-one. While I do have other interests and goals, right now my highest priority is raising my children. I realize that being a full-time parent may not be the best fit for everyone. This is what slowing down looked like for me, but it may not be what slowing down looks like for you. (Remember to follow your heart!)
Recognize and understand your child’s developmental abilities. This will save you a lot of frustration! Elijah’s developmental delays meant that, for a time, I could not expect age appropriate behavior from him. Chronologically, he was three, but developmentally, he was on the level of a one year old. Even if your child is not developmentally delayed, educate yourself on the behaviors that are expected during each developmental stage. When you know what to expect and why, you are better equipped to respond appropriately.
Punishment is not the same as discipline. When I expected Elijah to behave in ways that did not match up to his developmental ability, I was quick to become frustrated and punish him. One of my biggest regrets is that it took a diagnosis of developmental delays for me to realize that punishment was ineffective; it increased our frustration levels and did nothing to remedy the situation. When I chose to discipline by calmly modeling and teaching appropriate behaviors instead of punishing for inappropriate behaviors, our frustration levels dropped and he responded positively.
Know your child. Know his or her strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, personality and temperament. My children are unique individuals, and my understanding of them equips me to parent them more effectively. I am able to focus on their strengths and interests in order to teach them new skills, and I am more aware of what to expect from them based on their personalities and temperaments.
When you intentionally slow down, get to know your children, and understand where they are developmentally, you will gain a new perspective on their behaviors and your role as parent. Your relationship with your children will blossom as you listen to your heart, grow in confidence, and actively teach them new skills and behaviors. Although I learned many of these lessons while parenting a developmentally delayed child, they can be applied in all families. These lessons changed my perspective on parenting, and I hope you are able to find them helpful or encouraging in some way.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Relationship
When it comes to things like pregnancy, birth, and parenting, it's important to provide information in a loving and supportive way. But, if at all possible, I also think it's best to do this in the context of relationship.
Now, obviously, for those who blog (like me!) it may not be possible to develop a relationship with everyone who may encounter what we're saying. I'm not suggesting that we should never write about the things that matter to us; I am suggesting that we pursue relationships with people in our real lives. When we do this, we will naturally get to know people whose experiences, circumstances, and choices differ from our own. Understanding issues and choices through the eyes of other people instead of through our own perspective and idealism can go a long way toward helping us approach people in a loving and supportive way (rather than a judgmental or condescending way), both in person and in writing.
When people in our lives make choices that differ from our own, do we attempt to see things through their eyes and understand what's behind the choices they've made, or do we judge them? They're lazy. They care more about their own convenience than what's best for their child. They haven't done any research. They're detached from their kids. Ouch! In the end, are we more committed to our ideals and the issues we're passionate about, or are we more committed to people? Relationship, I think, is the key to loving people more than our pet "issues." And in the context of a true, loving relationship, it is very unlikely that we will simply assume the worst about the other person.
As someone whose choices regarding pregnancy, birth, and parenting have changed drastically from my first child to my second, I can guarantee you that being harshly judged and looked down on by others would never have done anything to change my mind; it would have just hurt my feelings and made me feel bitter. You know what opened my eyes and my heart to other perspectives and choices? Relationships. While my oldest was still quite small, I met and developed relationships with loving, caring people whose choices differed from my own in various ways-- but they didn't try to force their choices on me. They just did their thing with confidence and were willing to talk if I had questions. Some even blogged about their experiences and perspectives, but I never felt judged when I read their posts-- I felt encouraged.
In relationship, we get to know other people and understand where they're coming from, and we let them get to know us and understand where we're coming from. We live life authentically in front of each other, and we all grow and change. It impacts our assumptions, our words, our choices, our understanding. There is so much to be gained from relationships-- and so much to be lost if we overlook their importance.
Now, obviously, for those who blog (like me!) it may not be possible to develop a relationship with everyone who may encounter what we're saying. I'm not suggesting that we should never write about the things that matter to us; I am suggesting that we pursue relationships with people in our real lives. When we do this, we will naturally get to know people whose experiences, circumstances, and choices differ from our own. Understanding issues and choices through the eyes of other people instead of through our own perspective and idealism can go a long way toward helping us approach people in a loving and supportive way (rather than a judgmental or condescending way), both in person and in writing.
When people in our lives make choices that differ from our own, do we attempt to see things through their eyes and understand what's behind the choices they've made, or do we judge them? They're lazy. They care more about their own convenience than what's best for their child. They haven't done any research. They're detached from their kids. Ouch! In the end, are we more committed to our ideals and the issues we're passionate about, or are we more committed to people? Relationship, I think, is the key to loving people more than our pet "issues." And in the context of a true, loving relationship, it is very unlikely that we will simply assume the worst about the other person.
As someone whose choices regarding pregnancy, birth, and parenting have changed drastically from my first child to my second, I can guarantee you that being harshly judged and looked down on by others would never have done anything to change my mind; it would have just hurt my feelings and made me feel bitter. You know what opened my eyes and my heart to other perspectives and choices? Relationships. While my oldest was still quite small, I met and developed relationships with loving, caring people whose choices differed from my own in various ways-- but they didn't try to force their choices on me. They just did their thing with confidence and were willing to talk if I had questions. Some even blogged about their experiences and perspectives, but I never felt judged when I read their posts-- I felt encouraged.
In relationship, we get to know other people and understand where they're coming from, and we let them get to know us and understand where we're coming from. We live life authentically in front of each other, and we all grow and change. It impacts our assumptions, our words, our choices, our understanding. There is so much to be gained from relationships-- and so much to be lost if we overlook their importance.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Love Comes First
I have really been struggling to write lately. There are so many things I passionately believe in; I love to read and talk and write about things like pregnancy, birth, and parenting. So it only makes sense to do so on my blog.
But some other blog posts and articles I've read recently in various places have given me pause. I've been seeing a lot of well-meaning information, research, and thoughts put out there but expressed in such a condescending or judgmental way. And I find this really frustrating.
I think it's so important for parents to be able to access the information needed to make truly informed decisions, and I believe that many OB/GYNs, pediatricians, and parenting publications often provide only one side of the story while telling us it's all we need to know to be fully informed. And so I definitely believe in getting the "other" information out there. The problem is that it's so often done in a way that feels like guilt-tripping and condescension all wrapped up in a pretty package that says, "I'm just trying to help!" Both "sides" use research to support their claims and use language that make people feel like bad parents if they don't measure up to whatever that particular side is saying about that particular issue.
I can hear people saying now, "But you said yourself that people need to have access to information that will allow them to make truly fully informed choices! If we care about the issues and the parents and the babies, we need to speak up!" And I agree-- but in the context of love and support. Unfortunately, a lot of times it feels like people are bombarded with information and expectations in a way that feels less like love and support and more like piling more and more burdens upon people's backs.
But it's a balance that can be hard to find, especially when it's complicated by the very real situations in which people feel judged even if nothing judgmental was said or intended. So some people end up tiptoeing around, afraid to say anything at all out of fear of unintentionally offending someone, and some people end up saying, "Screw it, I'll just say what I think and people can deal with it!" I don't think either approach is all that helpful, though.
My mind keeps coming back to speaking the truth in love. I think it's okay to share research and information and our own thoughts and experiences, but it's so important to pause and ask ourselves if our motivation is really love. If we're saying it in hopes that other people will see how wrong they've been and how right we are, that isn't very loving. If we're saying it as a way to passively-aggressively comment on other people's choices, that isn't very loving. And I'll be honest enough to admit I have said things in the past with a less-than-loving motive, and I am truly sorry. So often when people are passionate about something, it is easy to start caring more about the issue than about people, and I have definitely been guilty of that before.
So in the midst of all the passion and concern and research and information, let's remember that the people around us are real people with unique circumstances and struggles. Instead of bombarding everyone we know (and even people we don't know) with ideals and "shoulds," let's form relationships with people, get to know their situations, love them, and empathize with them.
But some other blog posts and articles I've read recently in various places have given me pause. I've been seeing a lot of well-meaning information, research, and thoughts put out there but expressed in such a condescending or judgmental way. And I find this really frustrating.
I think it's so important for parents to be able to access the information needed to make truly informed decisions, and I believe that many OB/GYNs, pediatricians, and parenting publications often provide only one side of the story while telling us it's all we need to know to be fully informed. And so I definitely believe in getting the "other" information out there. The problem is that it's so often done in a way that feels like guilt-tripping and condescension all wrapped up in a pretty package that says, "I'm just trying to help!" Both "sides" use research to support their claims and use language that make people feel like bad parents if they don't measure up to whatever that particular side is saying about that particular issue.
I can hear people saying now, "But you said yourself that people need to have access to information that will allow them to make truly fully informed choices! If we care about the issues and the parents and the babies, we need to speak up!" And I agree-- but in the context of love and support. Unfortunately, a lot of times it feels like people are bombarded with information and expectations in a way that feels less like love and support and more like piling more and more burdens upon people's backs.
But it's a balance that can be hard to find, especially when it's complicated by the very real situations in which people feel judged even if nothing judgmental was said or intended. So some people end up tiptoeing around, afraid to say anything at all out of fear of unintentionally offending someone, and some people end up saying, "Screw it, I'll just say what I think and people can deal with it!" I don't think either approach is all that helpful, though.
My mind keeps coming back to speaking the truth in love. I think it's okay to share research and information and our own thoughts and experiences, but it's so important to pause and ask ourselves if our motivation is really love. If we're saying it in hopes that other people will see how wrong they've been and how right we are, that isn't very loving. If we're saying it as a way to passively-aggressively comment on other people's choices, that isn't very loving. And I'll be honest enough to admit I have said things in the past with a less-than-loving motive, and I am truly sorry. So often when people are passionate about something, it is easy to start caring more about the issue than about people, and I have definitely been guilty of that before.
So in the midst of all the passion and concern and research and information, let's remember that the people around us are real people with unique circumstances and struggles. Instead of bombarding everyone we know (and even people we don't know) with ideals and "shoulds," let's form relationships with people, get to know their situations, love them, and empathize with them.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Connected
I lay outside looking up at the night sky. Neighbors were shooting fireworks all around, and as I watched them, I felt a strange sense of connection to other people all over the country who were doing the same thing I was right at that moment. In the midst of all the differences we may have, this was a shared experience.
As the fireworks died down, my attention turned to the stars. I lay there on my back and gazed up at them, thinking of the beauty of creation and marveling at the enormity of it all. Again I felt a sense of connection. How many people all over the world throughout history have done just that? We are not so entirely different, even across time and cultures.
My thoughts went to my friend who was in labor with her first child at that moment. Another connection. We women are connected by this amazing ability to carry, birth, and nourish a new life. We divide ourselves over different opinions and choices, but we have such an awesome thing in common!
People share so many experiences. We have more in common than we realize. We are more connected than we know, but too often we let our differences drive us apart. I have been more conscious of it lately than ever, and I am weary of it.
As the fireworks died down, my attention turned to the stars. I lay there on my back and gazed up at them, thinking of the beauty of creation and marveling at the enormity of it all. Again I felt a sense of connection. How many people all over the world throughout history have done just that? We are not so entirely different, even across time and cultures.
My thoughts went to my friend who was in labor with her first child at that moment. Another connection. We women are connected by this amazing ability to carry, birth, and nourish a new life. We divide ourselves over different opinions and choices, but we have such an awesome thing in common!
People share so many experiences. We have more in common than we realize. We are more connected than we know, but too often we let our differences drive us apart. I have been more conscious of it lately than ever, and I am weary of it.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Temptations and Boundaries
Lately I've been thinking about weaknesses and temptations. Many people, maybe all people, have their own weakness or temptation that they would almost certainly give in to under the right (or wrong) circumstances. So if you know what your big weakness is, do you take precautions to try to be sure you never reach the point that you cannot resist anymore?
It helps me to think about it in terms of alcohol. (Not my weakness, personally, but it's a familiar enough example that I think it will make sense to most people.) Suppose alcohol was my big temptation, and I found myself all alone in a room with a bottle of it. I still might be able to resist at that point. But suppose I allowed myself to inspect the bottle, touch it, open it. Suddenly it would be much harder to resist. And then if I poured some into a glass? Game over. If that was my weakness, and I let myself go so far as to pour it, could I actually continue to resist taking a sip? No one would ever have to know...
I've heard parents say that in setting boundaries for their children, sometimes they will actually set the boundary a few steps before their kids would ever reach that one thing that drives the parents particularly nuts. For example, you may not mind if your kids run and play loudly in the house, as long as they don't start jumping on the furniture-- but you know your kids well enough to know that once they start running and playing loudly in the house, jumping on the furniture is soon to follow. So rather than setting the boundary right on the edge of the thing you absolutely do not want (no jumping on the furniture), you may decide to set the boundary a few steps back (running and loud play need to happen outside).
But how often do we set these kinds of boundaries for ourselves? If I know what my big temptation or weakness is, do I allow myself to get right to the edge of it and then expect myself to somehow resist? Or do I set the boundary a few steps back, at something that may not seem like that big of a deal, but I know where it could lead me?
I think a lot of times people feel silly setting these kinds of boundaries for themselves because the boundaries seem excessive or ridiculous, especially to other people whose temptations are not the same. You won't go out with friends who are drinking? You won't be alone with the opposite sex? You installed a porn filter on your computer? But sometimes, in order to keep ourselves from reaching that big thing that tempts us, we have to take precautions.
Do you have a temptation or weakness that you're aware of? Have you put boundaries in place to help ensure that you won't reach the point where you can no longer resist?
It helps me to think about it in terms of alcohol. (Not my weakness, personally, but it's a familiar enough example that I think it will make sense to most people.) Suppose alcohol was my big temptation, and I found myself all alone in a room with a bottle of it. I still might be able to resist at that point. But suppose I allowed myself to inspect the bottle, touch it, open it. Suddenly it would be much harder to resist. And then if I poured some into a glass? Game over. If that was my weakness, and I let myself go so far as to pour it, could I actually continue to resist taking a sip? No one would ever have to know...
I've heard parents say that in setting boundaries for their children, sometimes they will actually set the boundary a few steps before their kids would ever reach that one thing that drives the parents particularly nuts. For example, you may not mind if your kids run and play loudly in the house, as long as they don't start jumping on the furniture-- but you know your kids well enough to know that once they start running and playing loudly in the house, jumping on the furniture is soon to follow. So rather than setting the boundary right on the edge of the thing you absolutely do not want (no jumping on the furniture), you may decide to set the boundary a few steps back (running and loud play need to happen outside).
But how often do we set these kinds of boundaries for ourselves? If I know what my big temptation or weakness is, do I allow myself to get right to the edge of it and then expect myself to somehow resist? Or do I set the boundary a few steps back, at something that may not seem like that big of a deal, but I know where it could lead me?
I think a lot of times people feel silly setting these kinds of boundaries for themselves because the boundaries seem excessive or ridiculous, especially to other people whose temptations are not the same. You won't go out with friends who are drinking? You won't be alone with the opposite sex? You installed a porn filter on your computer? But sometimes, in order to keep ourselves from reaching that big thing that tempts us, we have to take precautions.
Do you have a temptation or weakness that you're aware of? Have you put boundaries in place to help ensure that you won't reach the point where you can no longer resist?
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