Labels. They're everywhere. They're in parenting. Politics. Religion. Sexuality. We are constantly using labels to define ourselves. Why? And are labels really such a bad thing, or do they serve a positive purpose?
I think there are pros and cons to labels. On the positive side, when we see that we identify with the stated purposes of certain groups, it's convenient to be able to use that label to give others an idea of where we stand. Attachment parenting. Libertarian. Emergent. Democrat. Baptist. Gay. Muslim. Christian. Republican. Those labels all evoke certain thoughts and images in our heads, and if the labels are accurately understood by the people we're talking to, they can be a positive thing and an aid in getting to know people better. And labels can create unity. As a parent, if I see someone else label themselves as an attachment parent, I know right away that we are going to have certain goals in common, and possibly certain practices as well.
On the other hand, labels can also create division, especially when they are misunderstood.
I've noticed over the past several years the tendency for Christians to be hesitant to label themselves as such, going with terms like "Jesus follower" instead. Why? Because for many people, the label "Christian" is a loaded one. It often evokes a mental image of legalism, judgment, materialism, and a whole host of other things that are not true to the heart of Christ. Many people feel that the proper response is to distance themselves from the label that brings up negative feelings for so many. And I can completely understand that.
At the same time, though, I wonder if we should distance ourselves from labels that have become misunderstood, or if we should seek to redeem those labels by keeping them and showing what they really mean. But that brings me to another question-- do labels keep their original meaning even when they bring up other connotations for large segments of the population? Or does the actual meaning of the label change along with the popular perception of it?
Another alternative would be to throw out labels entirely. Perhaps it would be a good thing to simply live our lives according to what we believe, have honest conversations with people about our thoughts on things like parenting, politics, religion, and so forth, and never bring labels into it.
I tend to believe that there is value in sticking with the original definitions of labels and seeking to clarify their purpose when people misunderstand. At the same time, there is also value in abandoning labels that are creating division.
Labels are complicated. They can bring unity and clarity, but they can also cause division and misunderstanding. Their meanings can change over time, at least in people's minds if not in the strict definition of them.
I'd be really interested in hearing thoughts from people who are well-versed in social psychology or linguistics. I definitely think both of these things play a part in the dynamics and understanding of labels within a culture.
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Isn't That Just Good Parenting?
My last post sparked an interesting, and very good, conversation about the implications of the attachment parenting label. It was pointed out that, if attachment parenting really is what I described, then it’s simply what good parents do and it doesn’t need the “attachment” label. It’s just parenting.
I agree with that statement-- but I would be hesitant to say it without first attempting to clear up the common misunderstandings of what is meant by "attachment" parenting in the first place. Here's why:
Suppose you have been given the impression that attachment parenting is breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping, and then you heard me say, “Attachment parenting is really just what good parents do, and it doesn’t even need the label. Just call it parenting.” If you hear that statement with an inaccurate understanding of what attachment parenting is, that would be an incredibly hurtful statement! What you would actually “hear” me saying is that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are bad parents. And, if you read my last post, you know that’s not what I believe at all.
At the same time, though, I concede that the label itself can cause confusion, but I would say that part of that confusion does stem from not knowing what is actually meant by the term. When you hear “attachment parenting,” it is logical to assume that anything that isn’t described as attachment parenting would be described as detachment parenting. So, if you think that attachment parenting is about outward actions, then you would assume that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are being called detached. And if you read my last post, you know I don’t believe that either!
Hence the clarification of what, exactly, the point of attachment parenting is. It’s hard, if not downright impossible, to have an honest conversation about the label itself if you think it is implying something it isn’t. This misunderstanding of what the actual goal of attachment parenting is contributes to a lot of the confusion about it.
As I stated in my last post, the heart of attachment parenting is relationship. It’s about forming a healthy parent-child attachment by being responsive and sensitive to your children and parenting them as individuals. Sure, things like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and babywearing are common ways to help foster attachment, but you are not a “detachment” parent if you don’t do them! Attachment has been one of my main goals with both of my children. Yet one of them hardly ever slept in our room, only nursed for a couple weeks, and was never worn in a sling (I didn't even know they existed!), while the other has co-slept since he was born (now only part of the time), is starting the weaning process at the age of 2, and has been worn in a sling some (but not frequently because of back problems that I have). And I have a very healthy attachment with both of them!
Attachment parenting emphasizes having plenty of nurturing physical contact with your child, breastfeeding (when possible) both for nourishment and comfort, being within close proximity at night (not necessarily in the same bed), and continuing to respond promptly and sensitively to a baby’s needs at night. In all honesty, these are things that are biologically appropriate. Mothers have God-given instincts to hold our babies, to comfort them when they cry, to nurse them, and to be responsive no matter the time of day. However, in recent history, there have been parenting books that promote the author's "methods" rather than encouraging mothers to trust and follow their natural mothering instincts. Here are some common examples: Don’t hold the baby so much; you’ll spoil him. Don’t nurse him whenever he cues that he wants to; put him on a strict schedule. Don’t ever put him in your bed; he may never leave. Don’t respond to his nighttime cries; he needs to learn that nighttime is for sleeping.
Could it be that attachment parenting has to be qualified with the “attachment” label to distinguish it from this attitude of parenting that has honestly become quite common in our culture? I agree that responsive, sensitive parenting shouldn’t need a label; it should just be “parenting.” But in our culture, maybe the label serves a purpose.
I also want to talk about why I think many parents are so eager to identify themselves with various labels and methods, and the pros and cons of labels in general (not just in parenting), but those topics will have to be for future posts.
I agree with that statement-- but I would be hesitant to say it without first attempting to clear up the common misunderstandings of what is meant by "attachment" parenting in the first place. Here's why:
Suppose you have been given the impression that attachment parenting is breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping, and then you heard me say, “Attachment parenting is really just what good parents do, and it doesn’t even need the label. Just call it parenting.” If you hear that statement with an inaccurate understanding of what attachment parenting is, that would be an incredibly hurtful statement! What you would actually “hear” me saying is that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are bad parents. And, if you read my last post, you know that’s not what I believe at all.
At the same time, though, I concede that the label itself can cause confusion, but I would say that part of that confusion does stem from not knowing what is actually meant by the term. When you hear “attachment parenting,” it is logical to assume that anything that isn’t described as attachment parenting would be described as detachment parenting. So, if you think that attachment parenting is about outward actions, then you would assume that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are being called detached. And if you read my last post, you know I don’t believe that either!
Hence the clarification of what, exactly, the point of attachment parenting is. It’s hard, if not downright impossible, to have an honest conversation about the label itself if you think it is implying something it isn’t. This misunderstanding of what the actual goal of attachment parenting is contributes to a lot of the confusion about it.
As I stated in my last post, the heart of attachment parenting is relationship. It’s about forming a healthy parent-child attachment by being responsive and sensitive to your children and parenting them as individuals. Sure, things like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and babywearing are common ways to help foster attachment, but you are not a “detachment” parent if you don’t do them! Attachment has been one of my main goals with both of my children. Yet one of them hardly ever slept in our room, only nursed for a couple weeks, and was never worn in a sling (I didn't even know they existed!), while the other has co-slept since he was born (now only part of the time), is starting the weaning process at the age of 2, and has been worn in a sling some (but not frequently because of back problems that I have). And I have a very healthy attachment with both of them!
Attachment parenting emphasizes having plenty of nurturing physical contact with your child, breastfeeding (when possible) both for nourishment and comfort, being within close proximity at night (not necessarily in the same bed), and continuing to respond promptly and sensitively to a baby’s needs at night. In all honesty, these are things that are biologically appropriate. Mothers have God-given instincts to hold our babies, to comfort them when they cry, to nurse them, and to be responsive no matter the time of day. However, in recent history, there have been parenting books that promote the author's "methods" rather than encouraging mothers to trust and follow their natural mothering instincts. Here are some common examples: Don’t hold the baby so much; you’ll spoil him. Don’t nurse him whenever he cues that he wants to; put him on a strict schedule. Don’t ever put him in your bed; he may never leave. Don’t respond to his nighttime cries; he needs to learn that nighttime is for sleeping.
Could it be that attachment parenting has to be qualified with the “attachment” label to distinguish it from this attitude of parenting that has honestly become quite common in our culture? I agree that responsive, sensitive parenting shouldn’t need a label; it should just be “parenting.” But in our culture, maybe the label serves a purpose.
I also want to talk about why I think many parents are so eager to identify themselves with various labels and methods, and the pros and cons of labels in general (not just in parenting), but those topics will have to be for future posts.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
What Is "Attachment Parenting" Anyway?
There are a lot of misconceptions out there about this thing known as "attachment parenting.” Some of the misconceptions are perpetuated by authors who are trying to "sell" their particular method, so it isn't surprising that many times they negatively characterize parenting styles that differ from whatever they’re selling. Attachment parenting, then, gets unfairly labeled as permissive, child-controlled, spoiling children, and so on. While I’m sure that those things could be true of some people who claim to be attachment parents, I definitely don’t think it’s true for the majority.
But some of the misunderstandings of attachment parenting stem from the AP community itself. As with anything, there can be a tendency to become so caught up in the "rules" of what you're doing that you lose focus of the heart of it. That’s human nature. Unfortunately, because of this tendency, many people have a negative impression of attachment parents as self-righteous and judgmental of others who do things differently. And, again, this may indeed be true of some people who practice attachment parenting, but it’s not true of the majority.
Nevertheless, there's this idea out there that attachment parenting is all about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, and looking down our noses at people who don't do these things. I'm going to go on record as saying that, actually, attachment parenting isn't about any of those things.
Simply stated, the heart of attachment parenting is about knowing your children, fostering a healthy attachment with them, and responding sensitively to their needs. It's not about following a list of rules; it's about knowing your children as individuals and choosing to do things that are in their best interest. And it's definitely not about being self-effacing and being controlled by your children; there is a lot to be said for balance. Consider everyone's needs and find what works for your individual family. For example, in some families, co-sleeping is a great solution. In others, it's just not. And that's okay! We don’t need to judge others or ourselves against some imaginary list of AP rules.
When my oldest was a baby, I knew just a little about attachment parenting and I was convinced that I couldn't possibly be considered “AP” because I wasn't breastfeeding my son. Years later, I realized that wasn't true. You can be an attached parent whether you breastfeed or formula feed, co-sleep or sleep separately, use a sling or not, stay home or work, homeschool or school away from home. Because it's not about checking certain things off a list; it's about relationship, sensitivity, and nurturing. I can't see how making certain choices "just because" you think they're on the list of proper AP things is all that different from making certain choices "just because" that's what mainstream culture does. In both of those cases, you'd just be adhering to something without actually thinking it through for yourself and making an active choice.
In the end, it comes back to the same thing I always seem to come back to in posts like this. Don't do anything "just because." Do the research, think about your own family's needs and your own child's needs, and make the choices that fit best with your individual situation. Make informed, educated decisions and confidently own your choices.
But some of the misunderstandings of attachment parenting stem from the AP community itself. As with anything, there can be a tendency to become so caught up in the "rules" of what you're doing that you lose focus of the heart of it. That’s human nature. Unfortunately, because of this tendency, many people have a negative impression of attachment parents as self-righteous and judgmental of others who do things differently. And, again, this may indeed be true of some people who practice attachment parenting, but it’s not true of the majority.
Nevertheless, there's this idea out there that attachment parenting is all about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, and looking down our noses at people who don't do these things. I'm going to go on record as saying that, actually, attachment parenting isn't about any of those things.
Simply stated, the heart of attachment parenting is about knowing your children, fostering a healthy attachment with them, and responding sensitively to their needs. It's not about following a list of rules; it's about knowing your children as individuals and choosing to do things that are in their best interest. And it's definitely not about being self-effacing and being controlled by your children; there is a lot to be said for balance. Consider everyone's needs and find what works for your individual family. For example, in some families, co-sleeping is a great solution. In others, it's just not. And that's okay! We don’t need to judge others or ourselves against some imaginary list of AP rules.
When my oldest was a baby, I knew just a little about attachment parenting and I was convinced that I couldn't possibly be considered “AP” because I wasn't breastfeeding my son. Years later, I realized that wasn't true. You can be an attached parent whether you breastfeed or formula feed, co-sleep or sleep separately, use a sling or not, stay home or work, homeschool or school away from home. Because it's not about checking certain things off a list; it's about relationship, sensitivity, and nurturing. I can't see how making certain choices "just because" you think they're on the list of proper AP things is all that different from making certain choices "just because" that's what mainstream culture does. In both of those cases, you'd just be adhering to something without actually thinking it through for yourself and making an active choice.
In the end, it comes back to the same thing I always seem to come back to in posts like this. Don't do anything "just because." Do the research, think about your own family's needs and your own child's needs, and make the choices that fit best with your individual situation. Make informed, educated decisions and confidently own your choices.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Midnight
In the middle of the night, he wakes. He stumbles bleary-eyed into my bedroom, calling, "Mama! Mama!" I welcome him into bed and he snuggles next to me, immediately comforted. His eyes close, his breathing steadies, and he is back to sleep.
But I'm awake, and I lie there looking at him. I remember sleeping with him beside me for the first time, opening my eyes over and over again just to peek at him, amazed that this little person was finally here, and amazed at the beautiful birth we had just experienced.
Almost two years have passed. He has grown and learned so much. He's becoming more independent every day. Yet, underneath it all, I still see my baby. He still needs me for comfort, and he comes to me in the night to cuddle. These are precious moments.
But I'm awake, and I lie there looking at him. I remember sleeping with him beside me for the first time, opening my eyes over and over again just to peek at him, amazed that this little person was finally here, and amazed at the beautiful birth we had just experienced.
Almost two years have passed. He has grown and learned so much. He's becoming more independent every day. Yet, underneath it all, I still see my baby. He still needs me for comfort, and he comes to me in the night to cuddle. These are precious moments.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Relationship
When it comes to things like pregnancy, birth, and parenting, it's important to provide information in a loving and supportive way. But, if at all possible, I also think it's best to do this in the context of relationship.
Now, obviously, for those who blog (like me!) it may not be possible to develop a relationship with everyone who may encounter what we're saying. I'm not suggesting that we should never write about the things that matter to us; I am suggesting that we pursue relationships with people in our real lives. When we do this, we will naturally get to know people whose experiences, circumstances, and choices differ from our own. Understanding issues and choices through the eyes of other people instead of through our own perspective and idealism can go a long way toward helping us approach people in a loving and supportive way (rather than a judgmental or condescending way), both in person and in writing.
When people in our lives make choices that differ from our own, do we attempt to see things through their eyes and understand what's behind the choices they've made, or do we judge them? They're lazy. They care more about their own convenience than what's best for their child. They haven't done any research. They're detached from their kids. Ouch! In the end, are we more committed to our ideals and the issues we're passionate about, or are we more committed to people? Relationship, I think, is the key to loving people more than our pet "issues." And in the context of a true, loving relationship, it is very unlikely that we will simply assume the worst about the other person.
As someone whose choices regarding pregnancy, birth, and parenting have changed drastically from my first child to my second, I can guarantee you that being harshly judged and looked down on by others would never have done anything to change my mind; it would have just hurt my feelings and made me feel bitter. You know what opened my eyes and my heart to other perspectives and choices? Relationships. While my oldest was still quite small, I met and developed relationships with loving, caring people whose choices differed from my own in various ways-- but they didn't try to force their choices on me. They just did their thing with confidence and were willing to talk if I had questions. Some even blogged about their experiences and perspectives, but I never felt judged when I read their posts-- I felt encouraged.
In relationship, we get to know other people and understand where they're coming from, and we let them get to know us and understand where we're coming from. We live life authentically in front of each other, and we all grow and change. It impacts our assumptions, our words, our choices, our understanding. There is so much to be gained from relationships-- and so much to be lost if we overlook their importance.
Now, obviously, for those who blog (like me!) it may not be possible to develop a relationship with everyone who may encounter what we're saying. I'm not suggesting that we should never write about the things that matter to us; I am suggesting that we pursue relationships with people in our real lives. When we do this, we will naturally get to know people whose experiences, circumstances, and choices differ from our own. Understanding issues and choices through the eyes of other people instead of through our own perspective and idealism can go a long way toward helping us approach people in a loving and supportive way (rather than a judgmental or condescending way), both in person and in writing.
When people in our lives make choices that differ from our own, do we attempt to see things through their eyes and understand what's behind the choices they've made, or do we judge them? They're lazy. They care more about their own convenience than what's best for their child. They haven't done any research. They're detached from their kids. Ouch! In the end, are we more committed to our ideals and the issues we're passionate about, or are we more committed to people? Relationship, I think, is the key to loving people more than our pet "issues." And in the context of a true, loving relationship, it is very unlikely that we will simply assume the worst about the other person.
As someone whose choices regarding pregnancy, birth, and parenting have changed drastically from my first child to my second, I can guarantee you that being harshly judged and looked down on by others would never have done anything to change my mind; it would have just hurt my feelings and made me feel bitter. You know what opened my eyes and my heart to other perspectives and choices? Relationships. While my oldest was still quite small, I met and developed relationships with loving, caring people whose choices differed from my own in various ways-- but they didn't try to force their choices on me. They just did their thing with confidence and were willing to talk if I had questions. Some even blogged about their experiences and perspectives, but I never felt judged when I read their posts-- I felt encouraged.
In relationship, we get to know other people and understand where they're coming from, and we let them get to know us and understand where we're coming from. We live life authentically in front of each other, and we all grow and change. It impacts our assumptions, our words, our choices, our understanding. There is so much to be gained from relationships-- and so much to be lost if we overlook their importance.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thoughts on Strollers and Slings
Just so we're on the same page here, I do have and occasionally use a stroller. But I still think this cartoon is funny. Slings are no more complicated than strollers; they're just less common in our culture.
I do like our stroller for certain things-- for example, going for a walk on a hot day. Maybe I'm a big wimp, but when it's 90+ degrees outside with insane humidity, I barely want to walk outdoors even without another human being strapped to my body. ;-) I also use our stroller when I'm shopping for clothes because, for me, that's just easier than moving my child in and out of the sling each time I try on clothes.
But overall, when it comes to convenience, I'll just be honest with you... our ring sling wins. It fits easily in my purse along with my other stuff; the stroller takes up the entire back of the van and leaves no room for anything else unless I lay the back seats down. Obviously, safety is a good thing, but the stroller has all sorts of safety features that significantly increase the complication factor; for example, the only way to get our stroller open is to simultaneously hold down a button, twist a thing on the handle, and pull the stroller open. The strap buckles in three different places. The sling, on the other hand: put it on, put the kid in, and adjust the tightness as needed.
Besides the convenience factor, I'm also just not a big fan of using things like bouncy seats, swings, strollers, cribs, pack & plays, and carseats (out of the car) more often than necessary. Don't misunderstand me; I definitely think those things can have their place and can be useful from time to time (and I have made use of them all at one time or another), but I also think it's really easy to over-rely on them to the point of constantly moving the baby from one baby-holding contraption to the next without spending very much time holding the baby in arms, and this can promote parent-child detachment. Slings keep the baby with the parent, where babies are most content, keep the parents' hands free to do other things they need to do, and promote attachment. Neat!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Beautiful Moments
Sometimes my toddler becomes very moody and clingy, doesn't want to play, and is nearly impossible to cheer up. At times like this, I've discovered something that helps remedy the situation. After I do this, he's like a completely different child. Agreeable, cheerful, ready to play, laughing and chattering. Plenty of parents don't do this with their toddlers, but I can't imagine not doing it with mine.
No, I'm not talking about any kind of punishment. I'm talking about nursing. I've realized that most of the time when Isaac becomes fussy, clingy, and irritable, it's because he needs something in that moment. Perhaps he's hungry or tired, or maybe he just needs to be in the comfort of his mama's arms. Nursing is a perfect solution; it puts him close to me, in a nurturing place that he has known and taken comfort in his entire life, and provides him with needed nourishment at the same time. After just a few minutes, he feels "right" again.
And I feel right again too. In the busyness of keeping up with a very active and curious little explorer, it's easy to get tired and frustrated. Nursing provides me with a few minutes to relax and quietly cuddle with my little boy, who's growing up so much but is still a baby in so many ways. Obviously we don't nurse as frequently as we once did; he's very interested in eating what the rest of us eat, and he only nurses a couple times a day now. Sometimes he even pushes me away and shakes his head no with a grin when I ask him if he wants to nurse.
But in those moments when we do nurse, it is still such a beautiful time of bonding and nurturing. Most people will agree that nursing is mutually beneficial for moms and babies, but it is also mutually beneficial for moms and toddlers. I feel so blessed to have these times with Isaac.
No, I'm not talking about any kind of punishment. I'm talking about nursing. I've realized that most of the time when Isaac becomes fussy, clingy, and irritable, it's because he needs something in that moment. Perhaps he's hungry or tired, or maybe he just needs to be in the comfort of his mama's arms. Nursing is a perfect solution; it puts him close to me, in a nurturing place that he has known and taken comfort in his entire life, and provides him with needed nourishment at the same time. After just a few minutes, he feels "right" again.
And I feel right again too. In the busyness of keeping up with a very active and curious little explorer, it's easy to get tired and frustrated. Nursing provides me with a few minutes to relax and quietly cuddle with my little boy, who's growing up so much but is still a baby in so many ways. Obviously we don't nurse as frequently as we once did; he's very interested in eating what the rest of us eat, and he only nurses a couple times a day now. Sometimes he even pushes me away and shakes his head no with a grin when I ask him if he wants to nurse.
But in those moments when we do nurse, it is still such a beautiful time of bonding and nurturing. Most people will agree that nursing is mutually beneficial for moms and babies, but it is also mutually beneficial for moms and toddlers. I feel so blessed to have these times with Isaac.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Loveys
Lots of children get attached to a "lovey," like a special blanket or a stuffed animal. Elijah's was a blanket with teddy bears on it; up until a couple years ago, he always fell asleep with it.
Isaac's lovey is different, though. His is our ears. Yes, our ears. Whenever Isaac is sleepy, he reaches up and holds the ears of the parent who is holding him. My theory is that he likes our ears for two reasons: they are a good fit for his little hands, and he wants to keep us as close to him as possible during those cuddly moments before sleep. Think about it; if you're holding a child, and your child is holding your ears, the two of you are very close to each other. What a comforting place for a little one!
There is nothing wrong with kids getting attached to blankets or stuffed animals, of course, but it warms my heart to know that Clark and I are Isaac's "loveys." He is attached to us and he wants us to be close to him as he falls asleep. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I cherish this time with my sweet Isaac.
Isaac's lovey is different, though. His is our ears. Yes, our ears. Whenever Isaac is sleepy, he reaches up and holds the ears of the parent who is holding him. My theory is that he likes our ears for two reasons: they are a good fit for his little hands, and he wants to keep us as close to him as possible during those cuddly moments before sleep. Think about it; if you're holding a child, and your child is holding your ears, the two of you are very close to each other. What a comforting place for a little one!
There is nothing wrong with kids getting attached to blankets or stuffed animals, of course, but it warms my heart to know that Clark and I are Isaac's "loveys." He is attached to us and he wants us to be close to him as he falls asleep. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I cherish this time with my sweet Isaac.
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