Looking Back at 2013

The week after Christmas is my favorite week of the year. There is something so satisfying about settling into the quiet with my family after the busy holiday season, cleaning and organizing my house, and preparing my heart and mind for a new year. For me, a big part of this is to look back at the past year-- the challenges and the joys. It is always amazing to see how far we've come.

This has been a year of changes. Although, as I get older, I am finding that most years fit that description. I'm also finding myself less afraid of change, because even though it can certainly be scary at first, I have learned that change can always lead to growth. Even the most difficult circumstances can bring valuable change and growth; in fact, I wonder if these are the circumstances that bring the most growth!

So, here's a look back at our year:

Unfortunately, our family's year has been bookended with illness. We started the year with the norovirus that wouldn't quit (although it finally did after I bleached my house!), and we've spent the last couple of months with various ear and sinus infections, stomach bugs, and the flu. I think we're finally on the road to recovery, though. Hopefully 2014 will be a healthier year for us all.

I spent all of 2013 as a master's student, and I've (mostly) loved it. I'm officially halfway through my program now! If there was any shred of doubt in my mind that I wanted to be a school counselor, it was quickly put to rest when I began my school observations in the fall. I particularly fell in love with the elementary school kids, which came as a surprise to me considering I had always assumed I would work with teenagers. My classes have really energized me as far as my personal interests that tie into school counseling; I have greatly enjoyed learning more about counseling theories, child development, education, and working with those in poverty.

A big change came for me as a parent, as all three kids are now in some form of school. If you had told me a few years ago this is what we'd be doing now, I would have quite frankly been horrified. I've realized that for a couple years there, I rode around on my high horse fed by ideals, without taking into much consideration how realistic and beneficial my ideals actually were for me and my family. I had it in my head that the only way I could personally be a "good enough" parent was to be a stay-at-home mom.

I finally admitted to myself that while being a stay-at-home mom is truly an amazing thing for many moms and their kids, I am actually a better parent when I'm not at home full-time. I'm more capable of being patient, focused on the moment, consistent, and authoritative. So the kids are in school; Elijah (11) is in fifth grade, Isaac (5) is in pre-k at Elijah's school, and Joshua (2) is attending the Montessori school. This has also been necessary for me to be able to focus on my school responsibilities such as doing school observations.

Lesson learned here? Ideals are good, as long as they are balanced with the realistic needs of the family and each person in it. We are all truly thriving now, and I'm thrilled!


Some other major events of the year:

I participated in my first 5k in March: Color Me Rad. Then I didn't run another step. Gotta get back to that...

In June, my husband and I went out of town together without children for the first time in six years, and only the second time in a dozen years of marriage. It was just one night in Nashville, but it was really lovely. I hope we'll be able to take another trip together soon.

 In August, the church we were part of for six and a half years stopped meeting. You can read more about that here. We've found another church that we like quite a bit, but we haven't been able to attend much recently because of sickness. That's something I definitely want to change going into the new year.

In November, Clark was admitted into the nursing program, and he'll start nursing school in a couple of weeks.

We celebrated twelve years of marriage in December! We have been through a lot in twelve years, and I'm so glad we've been through it together. I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone, that's for sure. :)

My hair grew a lot. Maybe that seems like a silly thing to include in my post, but it's a big deal for me after swearing for years that I would never grow my hair out again. ;) For comparison, here I am at the beginning of the year, and now. I can't wait to see how much longer it is by the end of 2014!

Gotta brag about my kiddos a little bit, too:

Elijah was invited to a Lego STEM camp at the local community college during his fall break, which he loved. He got the opportunity because his science and math test scores are so high. So, I guess this is one of those times where I will actually have to say hooray for standardized testing...

Elijah also started an after-school program for academically talented kids, and he chose to participate in a music class. The kids learned to play various percussion instruments and performed at the school's Christmas concert. He looks forward to continuing to learn more about music!

Isaac played his first organized sport this year: pee-wee basketball at the Y. He had lots of fun! He's also loved being in pre-k this year.

As for Joshua, he weaned in September at the age of 21 months. While it was somewhat bittersweet for my last baby to stop breastfeeding, I was ready for him to wean. I'm proud of how long we nursed! He's also loved being at Montessori and has done very well.

So there's a look back at 2013 in our household. I can't wait to see what 2014 has in store. I have a feeling it will be grand.

Isn't That Just Good Parenting?

My last post sparked an interesting, and very good, conversation about the implications of the attachment parenting label. It was pointed out that, if attachment parenting really is what I described, then it’s simply what good parents do and it doesn’t need the “attachment” label. It’s just parenting.

I agree with that statement-- but I would be hesitant to say it without first attempting to clear up the common misunderstandings of what is meant by "attachment" parenting in the first place. Here's why:

Suppose you have been given the impression that attachment parenting is breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping, and then you heard me say, “Attachment parenting is really just what good parents do, and it doesn’t even need the label. Just call it parenting.” If you hear that statement with an inaccurate understanding of what attachment parenting is, that would be an incredibly hurtful statement! What you would actually “hear” me saying is that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are bad parents. And, if you read my last post, you know that’s not what I believe at all.

At the same time, though, I concede that the label itself can cause confusion, but I would say that part of that confusion does stem from not knowing what is actually meant by the term. When you hear “attachment parenting,” it is logical to assume that anything that isn’t described as attachment parenting would be described as detachment parenting. So, if you think that attachment parenting is about outward actions, then you would assume that people who don’t breastfeed, baby-wear, or co-sleep are being called detached. And if you read my last post, you know I don’t believe that either!

Hence the clarification of what, exactly, the point of attachment parenting is. It’s hard, if not downright impossible, to have an honest conversation about the label itself if you think it is implying something it isn’t. This misunderstanding of what the actual goal of attachment parenting is contributes to a lot of the confusion about it.

As I stated in my last post, the heart of attachment parenting is relationship. It’s about forming a healthy parent-child attachment by being responsive and sensitive to your children and parenting them as individuals. Sure, things like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and babywearing are common ways to help foster attachment, but you are not a “detachment” parent if you don’t do them! Attachment has been one of my main goals with both of my children. Yet one of them hardly ever slept in our room, only nursed for a couple weeks, and was never worn in a sling (I didn't even know they existed!), while the other has co-slept since he was born (now only part of the time), is starting the weaning process at the age of 2, and has been worn in a sling some (but not frequently because of back problems that I have). And I have a very healthy attachment with both of them!

Attachment parenting emphasizes having plenty of nurturing physical contact with your child, breastfeeding (when possible) both for nourishment and comfort, being within close proximity at night (not necessarily in the same bed), and continuing to respond promptly and sensitively to a baby’s needs at night. In all honesty, these are things that are biologically appropriate. Mothers have God-given instincts to hold our babies, to comfort them when they cry, to nurse them, and to be responsive no matter the time of day. However, in recent history, there have been parenting books that promote the author's "methods" rather than encouraging mothers to trust and follow their natural mothering instincts. Here are some common examples: Don’t hold the baby so much; you’ll spoil him. Don’t nurse him whenever he cues that he wants to; put him on a strict schedule. Don’t ever put him in your bed; he may never leave. Don’t respond to his nighttime cries; he needs to learn that nighttime is for sleeping.

Could it be that attachment parenting has to be qualified with the “attachment” label to distinguish it from this attitude of parenting that has honestly become quite common in our culture? I agree that responsive, sensitive parenting shouldn’t need a label; it should just be “parenting.” But in our culture, maybe the label serves a purpose.

I also want to talk about why I think many parents are so eager to identify themselves with various labels and methods, and the pros and cons of labels in general (not just in parenting), but those topics will have to be for future posts.

What Is "Attachment Parenting" Anyway?

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about this thing known as "attachment parenting.” Some of the misconceptions are perpetuated by authors who are trying to "sell" their particular method, so it isn't surprising that many times they negatively characterize parenting styles that differ from whatever they’re selling. Attachment parenting, then, gets unfairly labeled as permissive, child-controlled, spoiling children, and so on. While I’m sure that those things could be true of some people who claim to be attachment parents, I definitely don’t think it’s true for the majority.

But some of the misunderstandings of attachment parenting stem from the AP community itself. As with anything, there can be a tendency to become so caught up in the "rules" of what you're doing that you lose focus of the heart of it. That’s human nature. Unfortunately, because of this tendency, many people have a negative impression of attachment parents as self-righteous and judgmental of others who do things differently. And, again, this may indeed be true of some people who practice attachment parenting, but it’s not true of the majority.

Nevertheless, there's this idea out there that attachment parenting is all about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, and looking down our noses at people who don't do these things. I'm going to go on record as saying that, actually, attachment parenting isn't about any of those things.

Simply stated, the heart of attachment parenting is about knowing your children, fostering a healthy attachment with them, and responding sensitively to their needs. It's not about following a list of rules; it's about knowing your children as individuals and choosing to do things that are in their best interest. And it's definitely not about being self-effacing and being controlled by your children; there is a lot to be said for balance. Consider everyone's needs and find what works for your individual family. For example, in some families, co-sleeping is a great solution. In others, it's just not. And that's okay! We don’t need to judge others or ourselves against some imaginary list of AP rules.

When my oldest was a baby, I knew just a little about attachment parenting and I was convinced that I couldn't possibly be considered “AP” because I wasn't breastfeeding my son. Years later, I realized that wasn't true. You can be an attached parent whether you breastfeed or formula feed, co-sleep or sleep separately, use a sling or not, stay home or work, homeschool or school away from home. Because it's not about checking certain things off a list; it's about relationship, sensitivity, and nurturing. I can't see how making certain choices "just because" you think they're on the list of proper AP things is all that different from making certain choices "just because" that's what mainstream culture does. In both of those cases, you'd just be adhering to something without actually thinking it through for yourself and making an active choice.

In the end, it comes back to the same thing I always seem to come back to in posts like this. Don't do anything "just because." Do the research, think about your own family's needs and your own child's needs, and make the choices that fit best with your individual situation. Make informed, educated decisions and confidently own your choices.

The One Where I Talk About Boobs

The other day, I heard a statement that made me giggle a little inside, but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. This is nothing against the person who said it; in fact, this was said by a very pro-breastfeeding individual. But what was said was that breastfeeding moms should be discreet about nursing in public and they shouldn't just pop out their boobs where anyone could see them, because, after all, "You wouldn't want someone's eight year old son or a teenager seeing that."

At first, I laughed to myself. I have an eight year old son, and honestly, yeah, he sees me breastfeed every day. And it's no big deal. It's how a woman's breasts were meant to function.

But later that day, our family was in the checkout line at the grocery store, and right there on my eight-year old's eye level was the newest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. And hey, look, there's Jessica Alba on the cover with her boobs nearly falling out of the top of her dress, surrounded by headlines like, "Untamed Va-jay-jays" and "Guy Sex Confessions: 37 Things He Doesn't Have the Balls to Tell You." Oh, did I mention that my eight year old son can read? Yep. He can.

And that's when I got angry. What a double standard! In our culture it's perfectly fine to put adult images and headlines like that right on a child's eye level in the store, but if a woman shows any boob while nursing her baby, people want to shield their eyes or get the woman to cover up or leave the room.

I would rather my son see women nursing their babies in public, breast showing and all, than to walk him through the grocery store and see sexy pictures and headlines about sex confessions and, um, female grooming.

It's no wonder so many people end up being uncomfortable or even grossed out by breastfeeding; what else should we expect when we make it clear from the time our kids are small that breasts in our culture are meant for nothing more than sexual arousal? Our society as a whole-- and this includes children!-- needs to be exposed to breastfeeding as natural and normal, and not something to hide or be ashamed of. For heaven's sake, women are just trying to nourish their babies the way God designed them to be fed. Why should they be expected to hide that? They shouldn't be.

Can breasts be sexual? Well, yeah, but so can mouths, and we don't ask people to hide them when they're eating. Think about it.

Another Benefit of Breastfeeding

This is another one of those times when I am so grateful for breastfeeding.

A little history: When Elijah was a baby, he only nursed for a few weeks, and I wanted to do things differently with Isaac. So when I was pregnant, I decided I would breastfeed for at least the first year of his life. And I did. Breastfeeding is an excellent source of nutrition and antibodies even past the first year, though, and when he reached his first birthday, it seemed silly for me to quit breastfeeding just because he had hit an arbitrary age. I decided I would let him wean naturally on his own. He loves to eat what the rest of us eat, and he's been eating more and more food lately and nursing less and less.

At least, that was the case until the stomach bug hit last week. His tummy was hurting, and he had other obvious symptoms of a stomach bug. (I'll spare you the details. You're welcome.) And, of course, with all that going on, it's really no surprise that he wasn't too excited about the prospect of eating. He also didn't want to drink much from a cup (we give him water and limited amounts of juice and whole milk in a sippy cup).

But he was interested in nursing, thank goodness, and he nursed a lot during the time he was sick. Although he was pushing away food and drink, he was still able to get the nutrition and hydration he needed. I wondered what I would have done if he hadn't still been nursing. I know you can give kids Pedialyte to drink in situations like that, but what if he had refused it like he was refusing water, juice, and whole milk? I'm just so glad he was still nursing and was able to get what he needed in a way that felt natural and comforting to him.

Thankfully, he seems to be feeling quite a bit better now. He's not completely back to normal, but close. :-)

Beautiful Moments

Sometimes my toddler becomes very moody and clingy, doesn't want to play, and is nearly impossible to cheer up. At times like this, I've discovered something that helps remedy the situation. After I do this, he's like a completely different child. Agreeable, cheerful, ready to play, laughing and chattering. Plenty of parents don't do this with their toddlers, but I can't imagine not doing it with mine.

No, I'm not talking about any kind of punishment. I'm talking about nursing. I've realized that most of the time when Isaac becomes fussy, clingy, and irritable, it's because he needs something in that moment. Perhaps he's hungry or tired, or maybe he just needs to be in the comfort of his mama's arms. Nursing is a perfect solution; it puts him close to me, in a nurturing place that he has known and taken comfort in his entire life, and provides him with needed nourishment at the same time. After just a few minutes, he feels "right" again.

And I feel right again too. In the busyness of keeping up with a very active and curious little explorer, it's easy to get tired and frustrated. Nursing provides me with a few minutes to relax and quietly cuddle with my little boy, who's growing up so much but is still a baby in so many ways. Obviously we don't nurse as frequently as we once did; he's very interested in eating what the rest of us eat, and he only nurses a couple times a day now. Sometimes he even pushes me away and shakes his head no with a grin when I ask him if he wants to nurse.

But in those moments when we do nurse, it is still such a beautiful time of bonding and nurturing. Most people will agree that nursing is mutually beneficial for moms and babies, but it is also mutually beneficial for moms and toddlers. I feel so blessed to have these times with Isaac.