Moving Past the Lies

In the midst of all my perfectionism and idealism I wrote about last time, I did discover some things that are truly important to me. Even when I let go of many of my ideals, I still held on to these things because I deeply believe in them.

Examine your goals as a parent, listen to your heart, and be brutally honest with yourself. What is truly important to you? Perhaps your non-negotiables in parenting happen to come naturally to you; if so, awesome! On the other hand, perhaps some of the things that are most important to you don't necessarily come easily, but they are still worth it to you so you work to achieve them. If so, that's awesome too. If you believe in it, it will be worth your time and effort.

If you believe in something with your heart and soul, do it! But stop should-ing on yourself. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to live up to an ideal just because you think you "should." And don't worry about what other people think; if you believe in what you're doing, other people's opinions won't matter to you anyway. Someone's going to judge you no matter what you do, so you may as well do something you believe in.

I know what my non-negotiables are as a parent. I don't regret the time and effort I have put into making them happen, and no one else's choices are going to convince me to change my stance. I also know what works best for my family, and if that doesn't look like my formerly held ideals, that's okay.

What are your non-negotiables? What works best for your family? Once you've determined that, remember to let go of perfectionism too. Even if something is important to you, you probably won't always do it perfectly. Because, you know, you're human. ;) Give yourself grace, and keep moving forward.

Lies About Mothering

The lie that a woman's value-- or at the very least, MY value-- comes from joyful full time mothering creeps into the back of my mind when I least expect it. I don't believe it, not anymore, but the lie persists in whispering to me in my moments of self-doubt.

How did I ever come to believe it in the first place?

I suppose it began innocently enough, with the nearly universal motherly desire to be the best mom I could be to my kids. But, as a lifelong perfectionist, my perfectionism reared its ugly head.

Quietly, gradually, but insidiously, my perfectionism convinced me of three things. One, that an ideal mother exists-- complete with all the little details that make up this idealistic vision. Two, that the "best mom I can be" is synonymous with being the ideal mother. If, after all, I was enlightened enough to see what the ideal mom should be like, then I was obviously capable of achieving that vision.

Even if it drove me to depression.

Even if I slowly lost touch with my longtime interests and passions.

Even if I became ever more resentful of trying to live up to an ideal.

I said my perfectionism convinced me of three things. The third may have been the most devastating of all: I became convinced that my value as both a mother and a woman was inextricably tied to my ability to perfectly and joyfully live up that ideal.

At the time, I don't think I would have been able to admit that this was what I believed. But it was.

Thinking of some of the ideals I once tried so hard to live up to now turn my stomach a bit. Not because they are inherently bad things; no, in fact, they are really good things. But some of these ideals were never a good fit for me. I cringe to think of how I tried so hard to force myself into a mold that wasn't right for me, then criticized my own worth for not fitting.

I'm not going to detail what my vision of an "ideal mom" was, because that isn't important here. But I suspect that many other moms have a similar struggle with not living up to the ideal in their heads. And I wonder what would happen if we let go of the ideal. What if we decided to embrace our natural strengths and interests, and allowed those to extend into parenting, rather than trying to reinvent ourselves to be what we think a good mom "should" be?

For me, I've found that as I began living in accordance with who I really am, I became much happier. And ironically, I feel like I am actually a better mom to my children than I was when I was striving for an ideal.

Maybe none of this resonates with you. But if it does, what is one thing you can do to begin releasing yourself from the grip of the lie that says your worth is tied up in living up to an ideal?

Using God

Sometimes people follow God out of fear. And sometimes, we follow because of what we think we'll get from him.

Believe me, I could write plenty about the idea that God will give us material blessings if we follow him. Suffice it to say that I don't think that's how God works, and regardless, it's not a great reason for following him. What kind of relationship is it if we're doing things just so we'll get a reward?

No, I want to talk about something that seems so much more innocuous on the surface, something I do all the time and have only recently realized it.

Many times I've written that we cannot change our own hearts by simply changing our outward actions; God is the one who changes hearts, and then true heart changes are naturally reflected in outward actions. And this may be true-- but I've realized that a lot of times I've been guilty of viewing my relationship with God as a means of self-improvement. And maybe that doesn't even sound like such a big deal, but when you're more or less addicted to perfectionism and self-improvement, it is a big deal.

I see where I am weak, I see where I fail, I see where I want to improve, and all my efforts and striving make very little difference in my heart. And so I see that I need to turn to God and stop trying so hard to be righteous on my own-- and that's true-- but then I simply substitute God as my means of self-improvement. If I can't do it on my own, maybe God will do it for me if I just follow him properly.

Do you see how this is not a great thing? On the outside, it looks perfectly reasonable and it sounds spiritual enough, so what could the problem be? But underneath the surface, it's still the wrong motivation for following God.

I'm not saying that God won't change our hearts; I think he does. I'm saying that this should not be our primary focus in pursuing a relationship with him. Suppose God never changes me in the ways I think he should or the ways I wish he would-- would I still follow him? The truth is, even when God does change our hearts, and even when those changes are reflected in our actions, we still are not going to be perfect in this life, because it isn't possible.

So instead of following God in pursuit of that thing we want to get from the relationship or out of fear of punishment, we are free to follow him out of love. It's that simple and that complicated-- simple because it is just that, no strings attached, and complicated because our humanness is constantly telling us there must be more to it and so we are continually tempted to focus on the wrong things.

What Is Good

"The perfect is the enemy of the good." -Voltaire

How true this has proven to be in my life. The perfect crouches on my shoulder, disguised to look like an angel, when really it is a demon. The perfect entices me, becomes an idol, a false god, something for which I constantly strive. The perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect house, the perfect life.

Except in perfection, there is no room for grace. If we are capable of being perfect, we have no need for God or a savior. Perfection, then, would be a hollow prize; I could glorify myself and have faith and pride in myself, but I would still be missing something-- something that is more complicated and much more treasured than perfection. God. Love. Forgiveness. Grace. Humility.

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? -Micah 6:8