Sexual Effects of Spanking

The author of this guest post is being kept anonymous. It's a very personal and sensitive topic, and she did not want her identity to be shared. However, I do want to say that this is not some story I've pulled off the internet by a random person I don't even know. This is the very real experience of someone I know well. I say that because I want you to know that this is a credible story. I hope you'll hear what she has to say.

------

Did you know spanking can have a sexual effect on children even if it wasn't what their parents intended? I know that people who haven't experienced this will probably scoff at it, but it's true. I know it is because it happened to me.

My parents never intended spanking to be sexual in any way. It was a form of discipline to them, and nothing more. In fact, I don't remember being spanked very frequently. I can clearly remember four spankings, but I'm sure there were more I don't recall. Spanking on bare skin didn't happen often as far as I remember, but it did happen and I knew the threat of it was there. I do remember it happening twice, and one of those times was when I was around 10 or 11 years old.

When I was around 8 or 9, I became obsessed with spanking. I would play with my dolls and stuffed animals and make up elaborate stories where they were brutally and methodically punished. I would play with my friends or by myself and spanking was often included. We would hit each other or I would even hit myself.

As I got older, probably by the time I was 10 or 11, the thought of spanking made me have sexual feelings. I didn't realize at the time that it was a sexual feeling, because that was all new to me. All I knew was that when I thought about it, I felt funny, and if touched myself in certain places, it felt good. I didn't know until my mid-teens that this was masturbation, and that masturbation was supposed to be sexual. By then I was so used to it being connected in my mind to the thought of spanking that it seemed weird to think about sexual things.

Once I realized this, I saw that spanking and sexual feelings had become connected to each other in my mind. I worked hard to put a stop to it, but even now I still occasionally struggle if I read about spanking methods or hear about it being threatened. As an adult who is aware of the connection I made, I'm able to quickly stop the feeling and refocus, but as a child I couldn't do that.

A couple years ago I read some articles online about the sexual effects of spanking and that's when I began to understand why the two had become connected in my mind. The buttocks are an erogenous zone and a private area, close to the genitals and sexual nerves. Smacking a child's bottom (especially a naked bottom, but even clothed) can cause some children to make a connection in their minds between the act of spanking and sexual feelings. And it can (and does) happen even if the parent doesn't intend for the spanking to be sexual.

I've learned that this is a much more common effect of spanking than most people realize. It just isn't talked about very much, probably because it's so personal and potentially embarrassing. It needs to be talked about more. Many people don't realize that spanking can have a sexual effect on children because they haven't experienced it and no one has ever told them about it.

But here is the truth: It happens to some kids, regardless of the parent's intention. Many parents may not even realize the effect that spanking is having on their kids. Mine didn't. You have no way of knowing if your child is going to be one of the ones who is affected in this way. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. I know that just because this connection is made with some people, like me, doesn't mean it will happen with all people. But just because the connection isn't made with some people, maybe like you, doesn't mean it won't happen for others. The fact that the potential is there needs to be talked about and parents need to consider it before they decide to spank their children.

Baby Fair: Good and Bad

Over the weekend, I went to the local Baby Fair with a friend. (This was not, as Elijah supposed, a place where they were selling babies and I could pick the one I wanted.)

It was an interesting experience. On one hand, it was encouraging. A breastfeeding support group and a natural childbirth class led by a local doula were represented, which was awesome. There was even a woman there wearing her baby in a locally-made wrap. It's nice to see things like doulas, babywearing, and support for breastfeeding and natural birth here in our city, and I hope it becomes more and more common.

On the other hand, there were some definite "Whaaaaat?" moments on my part. The first one occurred almost as soon as we walked in the door, at the table set up by our local hospital. Moms-to-be could sign up for a hospital tour and receive a free diaper bag. Fine-- except one of the diaper bags appeared to include formula that said it was "for breastfeeding moms." Wait, what? Isn't giving formula to breastfeeding moms sort of like giving condoms to people who have chosen to remain abstinent? "We know you say you're going to breastfeed, and that's cool... but wait, here's some formula you can use when you decide to give up. Best of luck with that breastfeeding!" Talk about discouraging!

At a pediatrician's table, there were pamphlets about how important and necessary vaccinations are, entitled in a way that would lead you to believe that it was telling you "all you need to know" about vaccinations. As someone who believes strongly in doing some serious research and prayer before putting medications and vaccinations in my body or my child's body, I find this frustrating. A word of advice: do some research on vaccinations, beyond reading a pamphlet given to you by your doctor or written by the vaccine manufacturers. You might be shocked to find out what's in some of them. (For example, some vaccines contain human diploid cells, which originate from human aborted fetal tissue.) Two excellent, in-depth books on vaccinations (both of which I have read) are Vaccinations: A Thoughtful Parent's Guide by Aviva Jill Romm and The Vaccine Guide by Randall Neustaedter. It's a tough decision to make, and I encourage parents to be fully informed.

And at the local health department table, there was a brochure about co-sleeping that stated that room-sharing is safe, but bed-sharing is not. There are certainly safety precautions to be taken when having a baby in bed with you, but to classify all bed-sharing as unsafe is grossly inaccurate. Babies need to be close to their parents, even at night, and bed-sharing is an excellent way to do this.

So in the end, I came away feeling both encouraged and frustrated. It was great to get a chance to talk with other local women who are supportive of natural birth, breastfeeding, and babywearing! But I was also reminded how common it is for breastfeeding to be undermined by formula companies, and for biased information about vaccines and co-sleeping to be put out there as though it is balanced truth. My advice, as always: read, research, ask tough questions, become fully informed, then make your own decision based on research, prayer, and what you feel is best for your family.

Finding Community

My friend Heather is part of the Brainerd Neighborhood Mission, a group of people in the Brainerd area of Chattanooga who are committed to being the church by loving and serving their community. They meet on Thursday evenings for a couple hours. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to go check it out yet, but I'm hoping to get a chance soon. I think it sounds awesome. :)

On Monday morning, I got on Facebook and saw this update on the Brainerd Neighborhood Mission page:

Jamie and Heather skipped church yesterday to enjoy the weather and work in their yard... and discovered that while we've all been inside talking about planting a neighborhood church, our neighbors have been outside talking over yardwork on Sunday mornings.

That observation really got me thinking, not about what this group is trying to do, but about church and community in general. Often people in the church have a passion for community, so we sit down together and try to plan ways to facilitate community. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing; I'm not suggesting that churches serve no purpose or should be done away with! There are a lot of good things to be said for churches.

But this post reminded me to be aware of the community that's already in place. Who are the people we're trying to reach and connect with? And where are they? What kind of communities are already happening outside the boundaries of "church" as we think of it, and how can we become part of those communities? How can we take the church outside our walls and become part of the communities that are already happening? I've heard lots of church people talk about "meeting people where they are" in a spiritual and emotional sense, but what about physically? Some good can absolutely come from inviting people to join us in church, but a whole lot of good can also come from literally meeting them where they are. I wonder how well the church in general does this?

I'd say most church people know this, but I just want to say it as a reminder to us all (myself included): Real community isn't developed within the church walls (or the building where we meet, if it isn't a traditional church) a few hours a week. Real community is developed through consistent, daily, real-life relationships. Yardwork. Dinners. Playgrounds. The workplace. Game nights. Coffee. Talking about the little things and the big things. Supporting each other and allowing ourselves to be supported when we need it. Real community is so much messier than we ever think it will be, but it's a beautiful thing. So let's get outside our walls (the literal ones and the figurative ones that we've built up around our own lives) and make an impact in our own communities.

Clothes Shopping the Thrifty Way

Yesterday I went shopping at the Ashley Lauren's Closet sale. If you don't know what that is, basically it's a consignment sale held twice a year for all things children. They have pretty much anything you could think of-- clothes, maternity clothes, bedding, furniture, toys, car seats, and so on. I first started going to the sale three years ago, and I've sold stuff at it a few times too.

Yesterday I went with a mission: to find Isaac some spring/summer clothes, and maybe a couple things for Elijah too. Until I went shopping, Isaac didn't have any shorts, and only a few short-sleeved shirts. Elijah was in better shape, with several short-sleeved shirts and a few pairs of shorts. I did not want to pay more than $2 for any item, if possible. (Just a note on pricing clothes for consignment sales: I suppose that maybe some people are willing to pay eight dollars for a used shirt for a toddler, but I ain't one of them! I think the lower priced clothes tend to sell better, but that's just my opinion. Maybe I'm just cheap thrifty.)

Anyway. Mission accomplished! Isaac ended up with 9 shirts and 7 pairs of shorts, and Elijah got 3 shirts, a pair of shorts, and a pair of overalls:






Total cost? $28.50 for 21 items. That comes out to an average of $1.36 per item. It would have been slightly less, but I did spend more than $2 on Elijah's overalls. He's been wanting overalls for a long time, so when I found some in his size for around $4, I got them. Still a good deal! I'll probably go back today or tomorrow in search of a few more things for Elijah and pajamas and shoes for both boys.

So there's my plug for the day. If you want to get your kids some great, gently used clothes without spending a fortune, go check out Ashley Lauren's Closet. The sale goes on the rest of this week, from 9:00 AM-7:00 PM through Friday. Then on Saturday, from 8:00 AM-2:00 PM, they take 30% off of many of the remaining items. And, as if the savings weren't enough, the money you DO spend goes to local families instead of big companies and retail stores. That's smart shopping! ;)

Homeschooled Kids Are Weird?

In the past three weeks, I've had three different conversations in which people have talked about how the homeschooled people they know are all weird, awkward, etc.

I find this somewhat puzzling, mostly because I actually think the exact opposite. All the people I know who were homeschooled as children seem to be comfortable with being who they are-- even if who they are is different from the people around them. I think that's a really good thing! Obviously public schooled kids can turn out that way too; it's not an either-or thing. And, of course, there are plenty of public schooled kids who are weird and awkward. ;) I don't think that where a person is educated determines whether they will be confident or weird.

So what do you think?

"No" Is Not a Four-Letter Word

We all know people who can't seem to say no. Some of us may be those people! Personally, it has only been over the past few years that I've become comfortable with saying no if I don't want to do something or if I just can't. I used to feel guilty and I would say yes even if it wasn't something I had time for or wanted to do.

Sometimes I wonder if some people become people-pleasers who can't say no without feeling tremendous amounts of guilt because we were raised with the expectation that you did not say no to others. How many of us were punished or shamed in one way or another for saying no when we were children?

So many people hear a small child utter the word "no" and automatically assume that the child is being defiant or non-compliant. I actually don't think that's true in most cases. When children are born, they aren't really aware that they are separate beings from their mothers. Over time, though, they realize that not only are they separate beings, but they actually can assert their own thoughts and feelings. Often, for the young toddler, this is seen through experimentation with the word no. Little ones who are learning about no may even say no to things you know they DO like. Why? Not because they're being defiant or non-compliant, but because they are experimenting with this new-found understanding of being their own individual person. I also think it's worth pointing out that a lot of times, a "no" from a little one is not a way of defiantly saying, "I will not;" it is more often a way of expressing, "I don't want to." Those things are very different, in my opinion.

As a parent, my job when my toddler says no is not to punish him or shame him for it. It is to let him express his no, and to teach him how to use no appropriately. Because the truth is, as frustrating as it can be to hear no from a child, children need-- yes, NEED-- to be allowed to use the word and need to be taught how to use it appropriately. There are many, many things that children need to be equipped to say no to. When children are punished and shamed for saying no, they are more susceptible to abuse, peer pressure, and becoming people-pleasers.

So how do you deal with a young child's no? It's helpful to give them choices about things that they really can make choices about. "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green one?" "Do you want an apple or a banana?" and so on. The types of choices you offer can change to be more appropriate for their ages as they grow. Age-appropriate choices help them make decisions for themselves and assert their independence in a positive way. It's also helpful to teach them words for expressing their feelings. If your child is howling "Nooooooo!" maybe you can teach him to recognize what he is really feeling. "You feel disappointed because we have to leave the park. It's hard to stop doing something you enjoy." You could also teach him to use words to express his frustration, disappointment, or anger.

Allowing children to experiment with no, and teaching them to use no appropriately will equip them with the knowledge and confidence to say no when necessary, and that is a good thing. This isn't the same thing as permissively letting a child do whatever he wants, despite what you want him to do. It is the parent's job to set boundaries and to teach children about those boundaries-- but in doing so, we must be sure that we actively teach our children how to set boundaries as well. This is a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives.

Let's not be afraid of the word no. Let's teach our children how to use it appropriately, and let's use it when we need to without feeling guilty. No is an important word!

The Wilderness

In my last post I said that sometimes I can see clearly where I'm going to end up-- specifically regarding certain experiences and beliefs.

But sometimes, I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to end up. It is this part of the journey-- the unknown, the indecision, the doubts and uncertainty-- that I struggle to embrace. I don't mind the journey as long as I have an idea of my destination, but when I'm wandering in the wilderness, unsure of where I'm going or how long it will take to get there, I often feel so discouraged.