As much as I love to write, I've noticed that lately I have been having a hard time blogging. I think there are a few reasons for this (beyond generally being busy, that is).
I think it's human nature to present the most positive side of yourself to others. It makes sense; after all, who wants to put all their failures and worst moments out there for everyone to see? It's hard enough for people to share their struggles with even the people who love them most, much less on a blog that just anyone could read.
Some people, like me, really enjoy writing about their thoughts and the beliefs that are important to them. I especially like to focus on topics like parenting, simple living, and faith, just to name a few. But I find myself wondering if I am going to unknowingly give a false impression of myself. To a person who reads my blog, am I going to look like I have it all figured out and never struggle in certain areas?
The truth is, I do struggle, and I certainly don't have it all together. At this very moment, for example, I feel like I am about to lose my mind. Clark is at work today and is going out with friends later, so we are not going to see him all day. Isaac has been resisting sleep and Elijah is talking my ear off. It's raining again. Yesterday I finished up the last week of a project for my job, which made the last few days long and crazy. I have a ton of stuff to get done around the house, errands to run, commitments to keep, and a lot on my mind that I would just like to sit and think about without anyone or anything disturbing me. I am definitely not the picture of a perfectly patient or gentle parent today.
Sometimes I wonder if my inability to consistently live up to my beliefs and ideals means that I must either be a liar or a hypocrite. The fact is, I am neither. I am human. I struggle. I mess up. Every day. And if I'm being honest, I'll admit that I hate that. I just want to get it right all the time, but no one can do that.
The trouble with blogging is that it's easy to present our ideals, our accomplishments, and our moments of brilliance. It's much harder to let people see failures, frustrations, and setbacks. If we want to be honest about ourselves, though, we have to include both. My failures do not invalidate my beliefs and ideals, and the beliefs and ideals I hold do not prevent me from messing up.
This is why I've had a hard time blogging lately. I want to find the right balance. It seems that a theme of my posts so far- and a theme of my life, really- is trying to find balance. Going to extremes comes easily to me, but balance does not.
It's not going to be easy to hit "publish post" when I'm done with this. I'm going to second-guess myself: should I have really said all of that? Does anyone even care about what I'm writing in the first place? Maybe I should just keep these kinds of thoughts off the blog.